


Dress Rehearsal

by Laika_the_wife



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Absent Parents, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Boy Squad, Cute Isak Valtersen, Cutting, Dark, Depression, Developing Relationship, Dissociation, Dry Humping, Eventual Happy Ending, Falling In Love, First Love, First Time, Hand Jobs, Healing, Heartache, Homelessness, Hospitalization, Hurt Isak Valtersen, Hypomania, Implied Suicide Attempt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Isak, Internalized Homophobia, Intervention, Kissing, M/M, Masturbation, Medical Conditions, Mental Health Issues, Minor Violence, Miscommunication, More Like Wet Humping Amirite, Neglect, One-Sided Relationship, POV Isak Valtersen, Pining, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sex, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Slow Burn, Spooning, Stalking, Starvation, Substance Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Theatre, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-18 08:10:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 61,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13677726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_wife
Summary: Isak Valtersen would have never believed it, but he wanted to be an actor.There is a part he really wants, but with just one issue. He needs to kiss a guy.Luckily he remembers that Sana's brother has a friend, who's into movies. And supposedly bisexual.---This is dark and painful, but it ends happy. Evak endgame and happily ever after.Even makes Isak hurt. He does not do that on purpose.Nobody will be coerced or manipulated into anything, unless possibly by themselves.The playlist I'm listening to while writing this: https://open.spotify.com/user/tim-my/playlist/45xDEs238H9ihDJJUVj68m?si=x-AtQAOKTIefXYfI4cIdzw





	1. Chapter 1

Isak had been standing at the poster board for quite some time. He kind of lingered there, pondering, contemplating. This was still all new to him, and he was a bit scared, but his eyes kept going back to the neon green advertisement. He knew it by heart by now, and it really intrigued him. Finally he grabbed his phone and took a picture of it. It’d last longer anyway.

Isak had been kind of forced to join the Kosegruppa, and apparently the universe really thought it was hilarious, because he had ended up on the stage because of it. Also kind of forced. When so many pretty girls were begging him, and bribing him with baked goods and generally bothering him until he said yes he had ultimately agreed to “just see how it goes” and perform a scene of a play on stage for just the revue group. He had been really relieved when the scene got cut from the revue - it was just too embarrassing, the idea of performing to the whole school like that - but he had actually been kind of good. And he had actually kind of enjoyed acting. So here he was. Looking at an ad for a casting call for a play.

Isak finally left the board. He looked up the title of the play online. It seemed to be a small thing for small productions, not a smash hit blockbuster. Small was good. He was not ready for a big audience. Isak closed the search and pulled up the picture he had taken of the ad. It had an email address on it. They wanted interested people to send them their gender and age and they’d send back a scene to rehearse before the audition. Isak had to stop in the middle of the street to type the email. If he had tried to keep walking he’d ended up hit by a car or something.

His hands were shaking when he hit Send. He didn’t know he’d want this this much, but he did. It made no sense, he had never liked the idea of performing, but there was something so alluring in the way he got to be someone else. A character, someone completely different. Somebody new. He had been feeling the need for something like that for a while now, and online anonymity had not quite cut it. He needed to be seen, but not as himself, and though that didn’t make much sense to him it was still something he felt he needed.

Isak tried to forget about the email he had sent, but he wasn’t too successful. He kept looking at his phone even though he knew it’d vibrate and beep if he got an email. He checked his spam folder every five minutes. He took his laptop to bed with him and just chilled there, looking up anything and everything he could find about the play. It wasn’t much more than what he had gathered with his phone earlier. It was a new script, so it hadn’t been performed many times yet, and Isak couldn’t find a single review on it.

While he was searching he heard his phone alert. An email. He had received an email and he was suddenly a bit sick to his stomach. He was so nervous. As long as he didn’t check his phone the email both was and wasn’t the one he had been waiting for. And as long as he hadn’t received that email he hadn’t _really_ committed to this. He hadn’t really invested in this.

Except he had. He had, no matter what he tried to tell himself. He had discovered something, found something that was just his, and he felt a need to protect it. Like holding his hands around a candle’s flame. It was still such a small fire, flickering, and Isak feared that if he exhaled too hard it’d die. He held his breath as he grabbed his phone and unlocked the screen.

It was the script sample. And a date, time and location of the audition, though Isak knew that already. He had memorized them. Isak took his laptop and logged in to his email account. He wanted to read the script from the bigger screen, that way it was easier to take in. He glanced it through greedily, then he read it again more thoroughly. And then again. It was amazing. He knew that this part was his, it was something he really wanted to try, to act, to bring into life. Adam's words filled his mouth, yet unspoken but full of truth. But. Isak’s eyes stopped once again at the last row of the script sample.

_They kiss._

“Fuck”, Isak exhaled. The flame flickered but kept burning.

_They kiss._

He checked the names of the characters one more time. Adam, the part Isak wanted for himself, so bad. And his counterpart. Peter. Yep. No questions there, clear as day. They were both guys.

_They kiss._

 

Isak Valtersen  
Hey, it’s me. Isak. From biology.

 

Sana Bakkoush  
I literally can see your face and name right here.

 

Isak Valtersen  
Oh, right  
I have a weird request  
You don’t have to say yes

 

Sana Bakkoush  
What is it?

 

Isak Valtersen  
I totally get it if you say no  
Does that movie guy still hang with Elias?

 

Sana Bakkoush  
I guess? Why?

 

Isak Valtersen  
I just want to talk to him  
Can you make it happen?

 

Sana Bakkoush  
What’s in it for me?

 

Isak Valtersen  
Whaaaat  
That’s blackmailing!

 

Sana Bakkoush  
Business, not blackmail.  
Blackmail would be if I threatened to tell that you cheated on the test.  
Your choice.

 

Isak Valtersen  
Business!  
What do you want?

 

Sana Bakkoush  
A favour for a favour.  
To be cashed in at a later time.

 

Isak Valtersen  
???

 

Sana Bakkoush  
You’ll owe me one.

 

Isak Valtersen  
Oh, ok  
Deal

 

Elias Bakkoush was added to the group.

 

Sana Bakkoush  
Elias, Isak has something to ask you.

 

Sana Bakkoush left the group.

 

Shit. Isak stared at the screen. He had not expected this, not at all. He had no idea what to say, but if he didn’t do that soon Elias would leave or something.

 

Isak Valtersen  
Uh, hi  
You have a friend who is into movies right?

 

Elias Bakkoush  
Ya so

 

Isak Valtersen  
Could you add him here?

 

Elias Bakkoush  
Nah he not on fb  
Whaddya want w him

 

Isak swallowed. What did he want? This had been a terrible idea. But he had never, ever kissed a boy and he was _not_ going to mess up his audition because of that. He had remembered that Sana’s older brother had a friend who was into movies and supposedly bi, and he had made a stupid plan and here he now was. Fuck.

 

Isak Valtersen  
It’s a project  
Acting

 

Elias Bakkoush  
Ya he into that shit  
KB  
He there

 

Isak Valtersen  
KB?

 

Elias Bakkoush  
Kaffebranneriet

 

Isak Valtersen  
When? Now?

 

Elias Bakkoush  
He works there

 

Isak Valtersen  
Thanks

 

Isak closed the window. He was happy that Elias didn’t say anything anymore. His mind was buzzing. He didn’t even remember the guy’s name, but he did remember his laughter. Because it had sounded slightly pained. It had been a familiar sound.

 

Isak had emptied four cups of coffee by the time the shift finally changed. He had a notepad with him so he could pretend he was working on something, but when he looked at the page he had been scribbling on it all repeated the same sentence. _They kiss._ He was so nervous, his hands were shaking, or maybe it was all the caffeine he had been consuming in the last couple of hours, but when he stood up to go get yet another refill his legs felt a bit shaky as well. He had not remembered that the supposedly bisexual movie guy was this handsome. He was not prepared to think about that guy being handsome. Had he rather kissed an ugly guy? Maybe?

“Hey”, the guy said with a smile. His blue eyes looked into Isak’s. “Isak, right? I’ve seen you at Elias, haven’t I?”

He remembered him. He remembered his name. Isak did not. Shit.

“Yeah.” Isak managed to kind of smile as he reached out his cup. “You guys make wicked coffee here.”

What was his name? Isak had hoped he’d remember it when he saw him but no, nothing. The anonymous handsome bisexual - supposedly! - movie guy smiled and winked, oh god, why did that make Isak nervous?

“You haven’t tasted the coffee brewed by Even, the master of coffee.”

Even! Yes! Thank you!

Isak raised his eyebrow and hoped the expression on his face was a cocky-ish smirk. He wasn’t quite sure, he couldn’t feel it properly.

“Yeah? Prove it.” A good challenge was always a good idea, right? Shows interest, breaks the ice, gives a chance for Even to feel good about himself. Excellent work, Isak’s guts.

Even chuckled. Challenge was accepted. Yes.

“Oh, it’s on. Go sit down, and I’ll bring you the best damn fine cup of coffee you’ve ever had in just a moment.”

“No cherry pie?”

Yesss. Even looked impressed. Isak had taken part in a Twin Peaks marathon binge watching party. Most of the time he’d been either bored out of his mind or confused as hell, but he had liked Agent Cooper. Isak had figured that the movie guy might be into the show, and his gamble had paid off.

“No, sorry”, Even said and flashed Isak a smile. “I’ll be right with you.”

Isak took that as a cue to start moving. He went back to his table and after sitting down he noticed he was still holding the empty cup in his hand. Gah. Well, too late. Isak pretended to make notes again but he kept Even in his peripheral vision at all times. He saw his long arms move gracefully like in a dance or a ritual, and if he used his imagination just a bit he could see him smile as he worked.

Isak blushed a bit when he noticed Even walk around the counter and towards him. He closed the notepad swiftly and just fidgeted his pencil.

“Here you go”, Even said and placed a cup in front of Isak. “Even Bech Næsheim’s special brew.”

Isak took his time. He noticed that Even lingered by his table, eager to see what he thought. So he was in no hurry, absolutely not, he placed the pencil down carefully and grabbed the cup slowly. He felt its warmth between his hands and lifted it above his lips. He took a long slow sniff of it. It smelled really good, there was this certain warmth to the smell. Isak couldn’t pinpoint it though, what it exactly was.

Even seemed to squirm a bit. Isak liked that. He licked his lips unnecessarily slowly, tried them against the cup’s brim and then pressed them against the cup, took a small sip. It was hot. Almost too hot but just almost, and Isak took a second, bigger sip. The flavour spread into his mouth and he closed his eyes for a second to savour it. Yum.

“It’s a secret ingredient”, Even said before Isak had asked anything. “Wanna know what it is?”

Isak opened his eyes.

“That doesn’t sound too secret, you know.”

“It’s cardamom! Exactly four grains of crushed cardamom in the coffee grounds.”

Isak nodded. Cardamom, okay. Four grains didn’t sound like it would actually do anything though, but this really was a damn fine cup of coffee. Isak took another sip.

“I can’t taste cardamom.”

“That’s the beauty of it”, Even said, beaming. His smile just kind of lit up the whole space. “Subtlety.”

“Speaking of subtlety, I suck at it”, Isak said. “So I’ll just ask directly.”

Even tilted his head. He seemed interested. That was a good start.

“There’s this scene I’d need to practice and. I’d like to try it with you. If that’s okay.”

Fuck. Shit. Fuck. He had actually asked. Isak’s heart was pounding, his hands almost shaking again, he sipped so much coffee that now it actually kind of scalded his tongue and throat a bit as he swallowed it.

“Sure”, Even said, nonchalantly. “When?”

Sure. When. Two simple words, given to him so easily. This was not a big deal to Even. It made Isak blush a bit, the thought of how important this was to himself. Important enough to actually sit here and he hadn’t even told Even the worst bit yet.

“Just to make sure uh. It’s. Uhm.” Isak licked his lips, staring into his cup of coffee. “It’s a love scene. Kind of.”

_They kiss._

Even laughed. He didn’t seem intimidated.

“Okay. Can I be the girl?”

Isak blushed. Again. Why did Even make him blush all the time? Maybe it was just because Isak wanted the part so bad.

“Well, no. There are no girls in it.”

Isak glanced at Even from under his brow. Even still didn’t seem upset.

“Alright then. When are we doing it?”

Isak almost drowned in his gulp of coffee. He had no reason to be this nervous, fuck.

“Uhh when do you have time? The deadline is in three days.”

Even tilted his head, pondering.

“I can make it tonight. I’m off duty at six.”

Isak nodded. Tonight. That was good. He wouldn’t have too much time to get all worked up because of this.

“I’ll meet you here then? Then we could go to your place?” Isak didn’t want to do this home. He wanted to have a chance to escape.

Even nodded.

“Sure. I’ll grab something to eat from here and I’m good to go at five past six.”

Someone called Even’s name at the counter. He was working, Isak had totally forgotten about that. He raised his coffee cup.

“Can I have this to go?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tags: Kissing, Slow Burn

Isak returned to KB five to six. He had been too nervous to stay home for one more minute so he had left a bit early, and even though he’d tried to walk slowly he had succeeded mostly just at not-running. Mostly. Yet he was short of breath when he arrived. It was like his body didn’t remember how it was supposed to operate. And his bag felt so heavy. The script was in there, only eight pages printed out in two copies, and yet they weighed tremendously.

Isak had gone to the library to print the script out. He thought it’d be more real that way, like an actual rehearsal and not just him trying to not be the biggest dork in the universe. Though those were not mutually exclusive. Anyhow, he had first gotten himself a library card and then used that to log on the computer, get into his email and print out the pages. Because he was an idiot he had then taken those prints to the desk and asked for them to be photocopied. The librarian had been very nice and not laughed too much in Isak’s face, and he had just printed out a second set of pages himself. He had written his name on top of the first page of his pile and attached the script together with a paperclip. He tried his best to seem like he knew what he was doing.

He kind of lingered outside the coffee shop for eight minutes. He made sure he couldn’t be seen through the windows, and three past six he finally walked inside. Even was there, trying to decide which sandwich he’d like today.

“You know what?” Even said to the girl behind the counter. “I’m famished. I’ll take one of each.”

The girl laughed and shook her head but packed three sandwiches into a bag and gave it to Even. Even paid in cash, turned around and saw Isak. He smiled at him.

“Hey there. Want to share a sandwich?”

Even raised his loot for Isak to see. Isak hadn’t eaten a bite since breakfast, he had been too nervous. At least he had a reason to feel hungry when he looked at Even, right?

“Sure, I guess.” Isak really hoped Even didn’t want to eat them here with him. The girl had packed them to go, but Isak was already catching on that with Even you could never be certain.

“Great. Sharing is caring”, Even said and waved goodbye to the girl behind the counter. “See you tomorrow!”

Even led Isak outside. Isak held on to the shoulder strap of his messenger bag with both hands and looked at Even out of the corner of his eye.

“Where do you live?”

“We can walk or take the tram.”

“I’d prefer the tram.” Isak wasn’t too good with directions, but he could navigate the tram lines. At least it’d work better than him trying to memorize a route he had walked. If he had to run away in shame after making a complete fool of himself in front of Even he wouldn’t want Even to walk him home.

Isak kept hanging on to the strap. It felt a bit like he was pulling himself up, holding himself together. It gave him confidence. It helped him carry the pages, and the fatal two words in the end of page eight. Those words kept spinning in Isak’s head, haunting him, he realized he hadn’t been listening to Even for minutes now. Just watching him speak. Oh god, had he been watching his lips the whole time?  _ Why _ had he been watching his lips the whole time? He had brushed his teeth like eight times before leaving home, those two words had made him.

“You’re still not listening to me”, Even said. He seemed really amused. Isak blushed, because of course he did.

“Sorry. It’s just the script. I really love the part and I’m so not going to get it. I’ve never been in a play.”

“If you haven’t ever been in a play how can you tell you want the part?”

“I’ve been on stage. At Nissen, for the revue, but the scene got cut. It’s okay, I never wanted to do that anyway, not in front of the whole school.” Isak was babbling. Rambling. He was so nervous. He was happy to see the tram arrive to the stop and got on with Even. He had to let go of the strap and grab the pole instead. It felt a bit cool, so Isak leaned his temple against it too. Even grabbed the next pole and copied Isak’s pose.

“Ooh, that  _ is _ nice.”

Isak’s flushed face heated up his pole in an instant. No more cool comfort. He just stared at Even, the part of his face that was touching the metal, the way his skin squished just a bit. This might have been a huge mistake. But he remembered Adam, and he was committed to this.

“You’re not much of a talker, are you?”

Isak shook his head. He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t think of literally anything to say. He had eight pages of lines but they were hidden in his bag.

“It’s cool. I’ll let you know when we’re getting off.” Even took his phone out and started playing with it. He was hugging the pole with his arm and leaning his head on it, it made his neck curve long and. Beautiful? Isak went with that because he couldn’t come up with anything better. He looked at that curve, let his eyes travel back and forth along it. Was that a ghost of a hickey right under his shirt’s collar?

Before Isak could convince himself of a hickey’s presence or absence Even straightened up and slipped his phone into his pocket.

“This is us. Let’s go.” The tram stopped and the doors opened, Even stepped out and Isak followed suite. Even nodded at a house across the street. Isak looked around. He had no idea where he was. He had paid absolutely no attention to anything else but Even’s possible hickey. Fuck.

Even was halfway across the street when Isak got his legs working again. He hurried after him. He could not, under any circumstances, admit he was lost. He had his phone with him, it had gps, he’d be okay. If he had to escape. That was not a given, but it was on the table.

Isak stepped into Even’s apartment. It was small, but it was his own place and Isak was instantly jealous about that. He wanted privacy, more than just his own room. He wanted a life of his own. He wasn’t quite sure what it was that he was smothering in his current life but it was something and it hurt. Chafed, like a shoe that fit poorly.

“Nice place”, Isak said. He took off his shoes but hung on to his bag. Even stepped into the kitchen and cut the sandwiches in half. He divided them on two plates, three halves each, and brought one plate to Isak.

“Thanks. Dig in.” Isak took the plate and Even sank his teeth into his sandwich. He destroyed one in seconds. He really was hungry. Isak nibbled on his sandwich for a bit but he had absolutely zero appetite.  _ They kiss. _

Even sat down on the floor next to a chair. He waved his hand at the chair, beckoning Isak to sit down. He did. He held his bag in his lap and his plate on his hand, he dug through the papers with his free hand.

“I have the script here. If you want to take a look at it while you eat.”

Even nodded. Isak gave him the stack without the paperclip.

“I’m Adam. You’re Peter.”

Isak stared intently at Even. He was eating with one hand and holding the papers with the other. He was reading, Isak could see his eyes trace the letters and rows, he turned the pages and the closer he got to the end of page eight the more butterflies Isak felt in his stomach. He was swarming.

“This is a really great scene”, Even said, his mouth half full of sandwich. He was on page seven. “So intense. It’s almost like --” Even had reached the last page. He was staring at the last line, Isak just knew it, he saw it, he  _ felt _ it on his skin and in his bones. Even finished his bite and swallowed.

“Is there something you want to tell me first?”

Isak was blushing. Was there? Yes there was. And at the same time he didn’t want to.

“You’re right. It is a great scene. I really want that part and the audition is in three days and I have never kissed a guy. I want to get it right and I thought that since you --”

“Am a notorious slut?”

“What? No! I just thought that you’re into movies and filming and such and I heard you uh. Have kissed boys and. I don’t know. I’m an idiot and this was a terrible idea and I’m leaving now bye.” Isak tried to stand up and almost dropped his plate. Even helped him catch it and held it, holding Isak’s hand by proxy.

“I think it’s a great idea. If you’re insecure about something it’s good to practice.” Even tilted his head and then chuckled softly. “I was wondering why you couldn’t take your eyes off of my lips. You must be pretty nervous?”

Isak blushed. And nodded. And gave his plate to Even. He was pretty nervous.

“Very nervous. I’ve never kissed a guy and. I just told you that. Fuck.” He was staring at those lips again. He wanted to stop but couldn’t. Or could but didn’t want to? Those lips curved into a slight smile.

“Well, then. We can try different variations. See how it works if Adam goes in first, or if Peter, and such.”

Isak nodded. He couldn’t speak anymore. Not his own words. So he took his script, pulled the paperclip off and stood up. He read his lines, Even read his, and midway on page seven Isak was so nervous he was shaking, so bad he couldn’t read anymore. Even stepped close to him and placed his hand on Isak’s forearm. He looked Isak in the eye and put his other hand on Isak’s cheek.

“I’m going to get this over with now so you can focus. Okay?”

Isak couldn’t answer. He couldn’t give or deny permission, he was frozen. But finally he moved his head barely visibly. It was most likely a nod. Maybe. It seemed to be enough for Even, because he leaned in and kissed him.

It was. It was different from what Isak had imagined. He had pictured awkwardness, or disgust, or panic perhaps. It was none of those things. It was soft, it was gentle, Even’s lips were so light and so powerful at the same time. Isak was shaking again, but for a different reason. A new reason. He opened his mouth just a bit and moved his lips against Even’s, against his mouth, in a proper and actual kiss. Something was flickering inside him. Maybe a flame.  _ They kiss. _

Isak wasn’t sure how long the kiss lasted. It took seconds, it took forever, or anything in between. He really had to fight himself to not kiss Even again immediately after that kiss, the only way he could not lose that battle was to remove himself from him. He stepped back, hastily, his legs hit the chair and he fell down in it. Sitting upright, thank heaven.

“Do you do that to girls too?” Even smiled, radiating again. He was too bright to look directly into.

“What?”

“Kiss their knees weak and run away.”

If the veins in Isak’s facial skin hadn’t been packed with blood already he’d blushed. Was Even flirting with him? Why was he flirting with him? To lighten the mood? Isak laughed, nervous and tight.

“Isn’t that how it’s done?” Yes. Good. Good answer, great work again, guts.

There was nothing tight or nervous in Even’s laughter. It was bubbly and vibrant.

“Then I have been doing it wrong all my life. Now, shall we start the scene over?”

Isak swallowed. He wasn’t sure if he was now more nervous than earlier. He had to focus. He had to be Adam, not Isak, that was the whole point of this all. This whole let’s get into a play -project had really one important goal: Isak wanted to be someone else for a change. He stood up.

“We shall.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tag: Cutting  
> content warning: cutting, self harm (in case you missed the tags)

Isak was hiding inside Even’s bathroom, trying to stop shaking. Five more kisses. Five variations, he had tried all of them with Even at the end of page eight of the script that, he had noticed, he’d been running through faster and faster, more hurried every time, eager to get to the last line. The good part.

That thought made Isak jump. The good part? No. It was the hard part, the nerve wrecking part, wasn’t it? The part he needed to practice for, the part where everything was hanging on, the part that would make or break Isak’s dream to interpret Adam on stage. To be Adam, be seen as him. The kiss was not the good part, was it?

“Get your shit together, fucker”, Isak muttered to himself. He was huddled on the toilet seat, supporting his arms on his knees so his hands would stop shaking but they wouldn’t.

“Stop”, he whispered to his hands. They didn’t. “Stop. Fucking stop right now or I’ll make you.”

Isak glanced at the sink. An electric razor. He stood up and opened the mirror cabinet, not noticing in his calm determination that his hands had stopped shaking. He didn’t find a razor blade but he grabbed the nail clippers instead. They would do just fine. Isak’s hands were completely steady as he placed a tiny bit of the webbing skin between his left index and middle finger between the blades and nicked it with them. It hurt like a motherfucker. It would keep hurting for a long time, the scab would be ripped open every time he pulled his fingers apart. Perfect. One was enough. Minimal mess, minimal time, great impact.

Isak cleaned the clippers carefully and placed them back into the cabinet. He closed the door and looked into the mirror. He kept looking until he had hidden all signs of pain from his face. He spread his fingers and the pain stung immediately. His expression didn’t change. Good. He was in control again. In control of himself and his reactions. He could do this. If he’d get carried away with Even he could just spread his fingers and focus again. He was ready.

Even had draped himself over the armchair. He looked effortlessly, insanely hot, his long limbs and torso and neck, everything  _ just so. _ Isak had stopped to stare at him. Possibly his mouth open, he was not sure. He checked, he stretched and yawned, he had to open his mouth to do so. Good.

Even looked amused. Was he doing this on purpose?

“Ready for one more take?”

“I want to try something”, Isak said. “I don’t think Peter should move at all. This scene is all about him and he should be standing in the spotlight and let Adam be like a moth or something around him.”

Even nodded. He seemed impressed. Isak was disturbingly happy about that. He spread his fingers, he stayed in control.

“I don’t know the play, but that sounds very interesting. It might work really well. Can I film it?”

Isak stopped moving. He stopped breathing. Film it? Him kissing Even? No, Adam kissing Peter, this was pretend, not real. But he shook his head.

“I’m not..no. Not the first take anyway.”

“Fair enough”, Even said and lowered his feet on the floor. He looked less like some sex god incarnation now, but only slightly.

Isak grabbed his script. The pages had gone all wrinkly and worn out, he had been squeezing them with his sweaty hands so hard. Even’s script looked pristine. He was calm, collected and focused and Isak was just thrashing around the place. Around him.

“What would you like me to do?” Even asked. Isak had no answer for him. Then he realized he meant as Peter.

“Just..stand there. Shine.” That seemed to come naturally for Even. Shining. “I’ll..Adam will do the rest.”

Isak realized he remembered the lines. He hadn’t been learning them on purpose, but this was more than memorizing. He  _ knew _ them, he knew them by his flickering heart. He didn’t read his lines this time, he acted them, he spoke them, let Adam speak through him, he was him now. It felt incredible. Like he could do and be anything. Anyone. Adam circled around Peter as the scene advanced, he approached him and then pulled back over and over again, until they got to the last line on page eight. Adam stopped to look at Peter, the moment stretched and stretched, until Isak basically pounced Even and kissed him.

The presence and existence of Adam diluted away in the kiss. It was just him. It was Isak, who was kissing Even, and Even was kissing him back, more passionately than before. He had been right, Isak thought hazily, the scene’s intencity had been multiplied by at least four, and this, the climax, was equally more powerful. Isak had never been kissed like this, never kissed anyone this way. He pressed his body tighter against Even’s. He felt Even’s tongue brush against his lips and opened his mouth ever so slightly, just enough for Even to slither inside.

Even took Isak’s hand. He pushed his fingers between Isak’s and pain shot from the small cut into Isak’s arm, his spine, he winced and was startled awake again. What was he doing? What the hell was he doing, this was not pretend anymore, he was not okay with this not being pretend. Even held his hand, his body against Isak’s, his tongue in Isak’s mouth and Isak was so fucking turned on he had never been in his life. That scared the shit out of him. He struggled himself free. Even let him go. He looked at him, out of breath and eyes half open, lips still apart.

“I have to go”, Isak stuttered. “Thank you for your help I think I’ve got it now.”

Isak was shaking all over as he gathered his papers and shoved them into his bag. He basically run to his shoes and pulled them on, not bothering to tie their laces. From the corner of his eye saw Even had followed him. He didn’t say anything, he just watched Isak. It felt like his eyes shot some kind of lasers or something, it burned. Ignited. He had to get out of here, and he had to get out of here right now.

“Thank you for the sandwiches”, Isak said and slammed the door shut. He ran down the stairs. He ran to the tram stop but couldn’t stop there, Even might have followed him or see him from his window, he couldn’t.. He kept running. He’d wait for the tram at the next stop or something. His hand hurt, his heart was pounding, his lips ached. But it was done. Adam would be his.

 

Isak was a wreck. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat, he couldn’t think about anything but the audition and the kiss. He had lost control of himself completely. He barely left his room. It was easy to feign sickness when you were pale from the lack of sleep and weak from the lack of nourishment and couldn’t eat more than three bites at a time. Dad was at work and mom let him be, at least, but that didn’t really offer Isak any comfort. He needed to control himself. He could not.

It had been Adam, Isak tried to tell himself. Adam and Peter, not Isak and Even. The scene had worked so well, that’s all. He had become Adam and. No. That was also unacceptable. Loss of control. He could not hide behind Adam because that didn’t really help at all.

Isak spread his fingers as far as he could. The pain was only an echo anymore. He’d need to do something else. He needed to take charge of himself again before the audition. Only one night left before the big day. He had to fucking take charge. He could force his exhausted body into cooperation, and he could do the same to his restless mind. He’d just need to focus. Help himself focus.

The problem was, however, that Isak could not just pick any place and cut. He might have to show his body at the audition and fresh cuts would be unacceptable. He couldn’t do anything about the older ones, but most of them had healed near invisible anyway. Also, he was so light headed that he might screw up and either make a rugged cut that wouldn’t heal well or cut too deep or in the wrong spot. He let his fingers run along his skin, stopping here and there to consider, but finally decided that no, cutting would not work this time. He needed something else.

No bruises. No risks of dislocated joints. As always, just thinking about this, choosing his punishment, calmed him down significantly. He probably could’ve just stopped there and been calm and collected again. He never stopped. Mom was in the kitchen, Isak could hear her cling some dishes together, maybe emptying or loading the dishwasher. Mom could pop in anytime, so Isak had to be careful about how whatever he chose to do would look. So. Fully clothed, no sharp object, definitely no hairspray. He hated that anyway, it gave him a wicked headache.

Isak’s phone beeped. He glanced at it. Jonas. And suddenly Isak knew exactly what he had to do. He didn’t have to use pain, he could use something better. He could use shame.

Isak  
I have something to tell you

Jonas  
Shoot bro

Isak wrote and erased the message multiple times. He was scared. He was so fucking scared that every hint of pleasure and fondness was washed away from the memory of his kiss with Even.

Jonas  
I can see you typing, is this going to be a novel?

Isak  
No

Jonas  
Are you still sick?

Isak  
I’m not sick  
I kissed a guy Sunday

There it was. Isak felt sick to his stomach. Jonas knew. His best friend knew.

Jonas  
Lol autocorrect

Isak  
No

Jonas  
You actually kissed a guy?

Isak  
Yes

Jonas  
That’s fucking gross man

There it was. Isak’s punishment. He had lost control of himself and this was the price. He’d thought he’d be upset by this but he wasn’t. He was calm. He needed more.

Isak  
Seven times

Jonas sent him a row of vomiting emoji. Isak counted them, there were seven.

Isak  
He’s a great kisser

Jonas  
I can’t deal with this rn sorry dude

Jonas blocked him. Isak smiled, just barely. His heart was breaking but his head was calm. His body was still. He was whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Addition: This Jonas thing will make sense, I promise. No need to freak out about it.


	4. Chapter 4

Isak woke up groggy and flushed. He had taken just one small downer he had stolen from the medicine cabinet, so he could finally get some fucking sleep. The fact that the deal with Jonas had made him so upset had also been a major factor in that decision. It had also been a mistake. Isak often had very vivid and weird dreams when he took them, and last night had been no exception. He had dreamt about the audition. That was not surprising, given how anxious he had been about that for days now.

What was also not surprising was that Even had also been there. He had been the director. Isak had read the script with him and then things had gotten weird. Heated. He wasn’t sure how it had happened but he had ended up on the desk on his back, naked, and Even, still fully dressed, was pinning him down with his body and kissing him, over and over again, and he had loved it.

Isak blushed when he thought about that dream. Great. Just what he needed, right now, in his turmoil. Shady fantasies related to the exact scary and nerve wracking situation he was about to enter. Isak pulled the blanket off and saw something else he really didn’t need right now. Morning wood.

Isak took his phone in his hand and unlocked the screen. He re-read the messages with Jonas to remind himself why Even was a terrible idea. Why he needed to stay in control of his body, mind and heart. He would lose everything if he didn’t. If Jonas, of all people, his brother from another mother and his best friend on this planet, could abandon him for seven kisses, what would happen if he ever did something more? If he did something worse?

Home seemed empty. Dad was at work and mom wherever, Isak didn’t really care. He dragged his groggy self in the kitchen and opened the fridge. Nothing. Figured. Maybe mom was at the store then. Isak grabbed a pack of cereal from the cupboard and ate it dry straight from the box. He was starving. The pill had put him asleep but awoken his appetite.

He thought about going to school but decided to skip it. He’d go tomorrow. He couldn't risk running into Jonas and having some kind of a nervous breakdown, he had an appointment today. An audition. He had to focus. He needed this now more than ever. He needed Adam. Isak checked the time. Five long hours to go.

 

Isak’s bag was heavy again, with pages after pages of a script. To his shock he hadn't had a coactor at all, no kissing, no nothing. The director just read him Peter’s lines and he did Adam’s. Isak had fucking nailed it, and the fact that he was willing to participate with no pay had helped quite a bit. He had never actually considered that he could have been paid in the first place, so it was easy to agree on. So now he would get to play Adam. When Isak realized he had absolutely nobody to tell he headed for the KB. He could use some coffee anyway and Even would probably like to know how it had went.

Isak was disappointed to see Even wasn’t at the counter. But he was still starving, and he had nicked some cash from mom’s stash. The three small bites of a sandwich he had taken at Even’s place had been tasty, so Isak ordered one with his coffee.

“Is Even working?” he asked the girl, casually. He needed to tell someone. He couldn’t contain this, and if he didn’t tell someone soon he’d give in and tell mom or dad. That was not a fucking option. The girl told him that Even didn’t have a shift scheduled that day. She took pity in Isak after seeing how he kind of deflated and promised to give him a note with Isak’s number if he wanted to leave one. He did.

Isak took the coffee and sandwich to go. He had no reason to be hanging around here if Even wasn’t coming. Besides the girl had looked at him a bit funny, and Isak didn’t want to feel her eyes on his back anymore. So he walked to the tram stop. He just had to try. He couldn’t go home with his secret.

The tram arrived and Isak boarded it. He took a seat by the window and hugged his bag. How could he be so happy and so sad at the same time? He shouldn’t have told Jonas, he just shouldn’t have. But he had wanted to make himself suffer, hadn’t he? There he was. Maybe he didn’t have to touch the blades today.

Yes he did.

Isak jumped when his phone rang. Nobody ever called him. Was it Even? Had he maybe dropped by the coffee shop anyhow and gotten his number and was now calling him? Isak held his breath as he dug his phone out. It was Jonas.

“Fuck!”

Some grandma gave Isak a stinky eye. Isak ignored the old hag and swiped the screen.

“Hello?”

“Dude fuck I’m so so so so so sorry!”

Isak blinked, confused. What? Jonas sounded really upset.

“Isak? Speak to me!”

“Uh. What?”

“I need to see you. NOW. Where are you?”

“I’m going somewhere.”

“Is someone dying? If they’re already dead they can wait, we need to talk. Now.”

Jonas sounded still upset. Isak didn’t understand. Did Jonas want to beat him up personally or something?

“Why?”

“Because I need to explain and you need to tell me all about that kiss. I’m dying to know!”

Now there was something new in Jonas’ voice. Excitement? Exhilaration? Something like that. Isak’s developing worry vanished. There was an explanation. Jonas was happy for him.

“Okay, I’m coming. Where are you?”

 

When Jonas answered the door he attacked Isak immediately. He wrapped his arms around him and hugged him, so tight it was almost hard to breathe. He smelled like he had been drinking lately. Not that day but the night before, definitely.

“Fuck Isak I’m a fucking idiot! Please forgive me!”

Isak felt tears rise into his eyes. Why? Jonas dragged him inside and into his room. He gave Isak a tissue. A fucking tissue. He took it, grateful, and wiped his eyes. Fuck he was emotional.

“You wanted to explain?” Isak said, to his toes.

“I do. It wasn’t me!”

Isak sat down on Jonas’ bed. He still kept his eyes down.

“Uh-huh?”

“I was at a party last night. At a cabin and one of the guys got pissed because I was ‘messaging in company’." Jonas rolled his eyes. "He took my phone and I couldn’t get it back from him right away. I had to block you before things got out of hand. It was too fucking late and then I passed out and forgot and as soon as I remembered I called you. Isak, did you really think I’d..?”

Isak didn’t know what to say. He had thought. Of course he had, why wouldn’t he?

“I told you because I thought you would take it badly.”

Isak was happy he wasn’t looking at Jonas. He could taste it in the air, how hurt Jonas was by that.

“What the fuck Isak? Why would I.. you got your first proper kiss! That’s awesome! Tell me everything!”

As long as Isak could keep Jonas interested in the kiss, Isak thought, he wouldn’t ask why Isak told him if he thought he’d take it badly. So he told him. Everything, he told him about the play and his master plan - that had Jonas in stitches, he was practically rolling on the floor - and how it had kind of backfired when Even had rocked his world.

“I got the part”, Isak said. Jonas was beaming.

“Of course you did! You’re fucking brilliant!”

Isak wanted to protest. He was anything but. But the script in his bag stated otherwise. He shrugged.

“I agreed to work for free.”

“Isak. You got the part. You rocked, and that’s the end of it, okay?”

Isak sighed.

“Okay.” Jonas had this way of making him not argue anymore. Isak was tearing up again, fuck.

“Hey. I really am sorry.”

“It’s not that”, Isak sighed. “I just missed you so much.” It was kind of pathetic. Guys don’t miss each other like that, not in one fucking day. But he had thought it’d be forever.

“I promise you, Isak. I will not turn my back on you. Ever. Okay?”

Isak nodded. Now that Jonas was actually there, looking at him from under his bushy brow, it was easy to believe. Jonas got his back.

“Now, where were you going when I called?”

“His place.”

Jonas whistled.

“You should’ve told me to go fuck myself or something! I didn’t mean to cock block you!”

Isak chuckled. Jonas was an idiot. He loved it.

“I don’t know if he’s even home. I had to tell someone about getting the part and I tried the KB but he wasn’t there. I left my number there but I still needed to tell and. I don’t know what I was doing.”

“You gave him your number? Nice!”

“Meh. He probably won’t call.”

“He’d better. Or he’ll have to answer to me. Nobody plays my boy!”

Isak smiled. It was a tiny smile, but it was a very real one. He wasn’t alone. Not with this. Jonas had probably no idea how much that helped. He could never tell him that. Because he would ask questions Isak didn’t want to answer.

“I don’t think he could ‘play me’. I’m not gay.”

“I don’t give a shit about what you are, Isak. As long as you’re happy.”

Isak smiled again, wider. That was not a real one.

Isak spent the rest of the day at Jonas’ house. They talked about the party Jonas had been at - Isak forgave him, it wouldn’t have been safe for Jonas to stand up for him at that cabin in the middle of nowhere - and about the play and did coffee really taste better with cardamom or not. And everything in between. Isak checked the time and sighed.

“I should get home.” He didn’t want to. He was safe here with Jonas. He wasn’t safe home.

“You can crash here if you want to”, Jonas said. He didn’t make a big deal out of it, he knew that Isak had some issues at home.

Isak considered. If he wanted to bleed tonight he’d need to be home. But he wasn’t sure if he wanted to, and at home he would have no choice.

“Okay. I’ll call mom.”

“I’ll get the mattress.”

Isak was too worked up to sleep. He laid under his blanket and played with his phone. He really wanted Even to know he had got the part, but he had no way of telling him. Elias might’ve had his number but Isak was  _ not _ going to ask him. He knew he could trust Jonas with his secret - and sadly a bunch of strangers too, but Jonas had convinced him that those guys didn’t hang with his other friends, and Jonas wouldn’t hang with them anymore either - but he was pretty sure he couldn’t trust Elias.

Isak almost felt bad for himself. That didn’t happen often, but now he did. So fucking much had happened in the last 24 hours. He had lost his best friend, then got him back, he had left his number to a guy who had really, really liked kissing him and that would totally send a wrong message, fuck. Fuuuuck.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tags: Neglect, Stalking  
> trigger warning: implied problems with eating

Jonas had sworn he wouldn’t tell anyone about Isak’s budding acting career or his rehearsals with Even. He had kept his word. The guys had welcomed him back to school from his sick leave, everything had been normal, like it always had. But yet everything, absolutely everything had changed. Isak had lost control. He had kissed a guy. With enthusiasm, and out of his own initiative. It was so crucial for him to keep an eye on what he said and did that he ended up being mostly silent. If he didn’t say anything he couldn’t let anything slip either.

Even hadn’t called him. Or texted or anything, and Isak felt restless about that. He needed to tell him. He wanted him to know that he had succeeded, he wanted Even to tell him he was happy for him, or that Isak had done a good job, or anything. Even would understand, he was into that world, the world of show business. He had been there when Isak had become Adam.

Then there was that small detail that Isak just wanted to see Even. He wanted to see him, hear his voice, his slightly but to ISak so obviously pained laughter. He wanted to know what was causing the pain, he wanted to remove that cause like pulling out an aching tooth.

“Isak, wake up!” Jonas nudged his shoulder. “The bell is ringing, we must go.” The rest of the gang had gone already, he was alone with Jonas. Who was smirking way too knowingly. “Thinking about prince Charming?”

“Who?”

“Even. The guy who kissed you out of your sleep.”

Isak blushed and pushed Jonas lightly.

“Shut up! I’m so not thinking about him. Why would I think about him at all?”

Jonas kept smirking at him. It was infuriating. But Isak couldn’t do anything about it now, not now when Jonas was hurrying to class a couple of steps ahead. Isak hurried after him.

After school Isak felt like a cup of coffee. Even still hadn’t called him. Or messaged. Isak had thought about it during his afternoon classes and decided that it was entirely possible that he had written his number down wrong. Or in bad handwriting. He had to go make sure. And maybe, just maybe, Even was working and he could tell him then and there.

Isak kept checking his phone to make sure it was on, and that it had reception, and that he hadn’t forgotten it on mute after school. Everything was in working order, but not a beep from Even. He must have made a typo. Or his hand had been shaking and the numbers ended up indecipherable. Even had called and some random person had answered, simple as that.

Isak looked around in the coffee shop. KB was quiet, only a couple of customers. But no Even. The same girl was behind the counter again and Isak saw that she recognised him. She looked at him funny. Maybe she thought he was a stalker? He would explain, it was alright.

“One coffee, please. And uh. Can I leave another note for Even? I think I misremembered my number yesterday.”

The girl looked at him for a while. She didn’t pour Isak’s coffee, just looked at him, contemplating.

“Look, you seem like a nice boy and all, but he’s not the type who calls you afterwards. If he hasn’t called you yet then he’s just not that into you.”

“What?” Isak couldn’t hold back a short, tight, high pitched panicked laughter.

“You’re not the first person coming here all doe eyed after him. You won’t be the last. Do yourself a favour and forget him, at least you had him once.”

The girl was insane, Isak decided. She was insane, and wrong, and possibly jealous. Isak remembered how she had flirted with Even with the sandwiches. Maybe Even wasn’t that into  _ her _ and that bugged her

“It’s not..I rehearsed with him. For an audition. I’d just like to tell him how it went.”

“Uh-huh.” The girl rolled her eyes. Isak did not like her one bit. Jealous and bitchy.

“Can I just get a pencil and a piece of paper, please?”

He got what he asked for. He wrote down his name and number again, as clearly as he could, and checked the number four times. It was correct. It was legible. He looked at the girl with only a hint of hostility.

“Please make sure he gets this, okay? Did you give him the note from yesterday?”

The girl snatched the note from Isak. She rolled her eyes again.

“Dude, do I look like a secretary? He didn’t show up for his shift. The note is still in his locker, as far as I know.”

Isak sighed. Even hadn’t gotten his note. That’s why he hadn’t called yet.

“Sorry. I just.. I really need to talk with him. About the script.” He did not want to give his good news for this.. wench to deliver.

“I really hope he’ll call you. But I seriously doubt it and you’d be better off if you just forget about him.”

“Thanks.” Isak left without his coffee. He didn’t feel like it anyway.

 

Okay. Even hadn’t gotten Isak’s note. That made sense, that was why he hadn’t called. But as days went by and Even still didn’t call Isak he grew nervous again. He was agitated, in a way that he couldn’t calm himself for more than minutes at a time and for a great cost. He had to do something about it.

Jonas  
Dude, what?  
Why don’t you just go there yourself

Isak  
I can’t  
That bitch at the counter is in love with Even and keeps staring at me

Jonas  
I have a life man

Isak  
Jonas please  
This is important  
You can leave as soon as you see him there

Jonas  
I can’t stay for the show?

Isak  
What show? No!

Jonas  
Fine  
I’ll let you know if he’s there

Isak  
THANK YOU

Jonas  
Btw what happened to your hand?

Isak  
Haha  
I was an idiot  
Left it between a car door  
Hurt like hell  
Wouldn’t try again 0/5

Jonas didn’t bug him further. Isak was happy about that. He stroked his bruised knuckles gently, savouring the bluntness of the pain. But even slamming a drawer shut with his hand in between hadn’t done much to take Even out of his head. He persisted.

Isak tried on five different outfits before settling on one. Light denim skinny jeans and a dark blue hoodie with some white pointless text printed on it. It had sleeves long enough to cover his hands almost completely. He had three shirts like that. He looked at himself in the mirror hanging on the inside of the closet door and after trying on three snapbacks he left the black one on his head, backwards. He looked okay. That was as much as he could really aspire to.

He was not dressing up for Even. He just needed to look normal. His control of his thoughts had been slipping too much, his dreams had betrayed him altogether, so his behaviour and looks could not, absolutely not, crack the slightest bit. Not even once. He had slipped with Jonas, but he could trust him, and he had slipped more so with Even, but he would put an end to that as soon as possible. He’d tell him he got the part, Even would congratulate him, end of story. Out of his system.

Isak went to check the kitchen. He dug out a half empty jar of pickles from the back of the fridge, opened it and sniffed. Smelled okay. He needed to eat something, so he settled on them. He drained the juice out into the sink and made sure to use his injured hand to fish the slices out of the jar. Mom had noticed he had nicked money from her and confiscated his allowance for the week. Fair enough.

Isak finished the jar standing by the kitchen sink. When he was done he washed his hands with hot water and dish soap. The pickles had basically made him just more hungry, but punishment was punishment. If no allowance meant that Isak had to go hungry until mom got home on grocery day then so be it. Isak just kind of wished he’d been eating more properly in the past couple of days. The constant semi-hunger had made his head feel a bit light, and that was dangerous.

Jonas  
He’s here  
Damn boy he’s a babe

Isak  
I don’t care!  
I’ll be right there please leave  
Thank you

Isak checked his reflection on the window of the shop next door to KB. It was a bit flustered but otherwise okay. He had been running this time, and he had to take a breather for a couple of minutes before entering the coffee shop.

There he was. Making coffee, smiling, chatting with the customers. Isak had no idea if Jonas was still there or not, because all his attention was drawn to Even. He was here. He hadn’t called. Maybe he had been late for his shift and hadn’t had the time to send a message. And, Isak reminded himself, this has not been as important to Even as it was for him. Even didn’t really care about his audition, did he?

“Hey you”, Even said when Isak reached him in the line. “How did it go?”

Isak had a vague idea that he was absolutely beaming.

“I got the part. Thanks to you.” He wanted to ask about the notes he had left, he wanted to ask if Even had got them, but he pressed his knuckles against his thigh and stayed in control. God it smelled great in here. All the food and coffee and Even’s after shave or something, just a hint of something woody.

“Good for you. What can I get you today?”

Isak tried his pockets. Empty. He knew he had no money in his bag either.

“Uh, nothing, thanks. I just thought you’d like to know how it went.”

Even poured coffee in a takeaway cup.

“Here. A celebratory coffee, on me if you get out with it before anyone notices you have it.”

Isak took the coffee from Even. He added as much cream into it as he could and grabbed a handful of sugar packs. Even looked at his bruises but didn’t say anything.

“You have a sweet tooth?”

Isak tried to laugh. He kind of did. He had to get out of there, now.

“Just need an energy boost. I’ll pay double next time?” Isak took a step back, towards the door. He had to get out before Even asked anything else because he really wanted to tell him.

“Fair enough”, Even said. He nodded Isak goodbye and turned to greet the next customer. His smile was flawless. Isak stumbled to the door and out of it, and as soon as he got around the corner he took a sip of his coffee and then emptied five packs of sugar into it. It tasted sickeningly sweet but he drank it to the last drop, greedily. He jumped when someone tapped his shoulder

“Dude, what the fuck?”

Isak swirled around. It was Jonas. He looked worried.

“I told you to get out of there!”

“I hadn’t finished eating.”

Jonas looked at Isak. Or at least Isak thought he did, he couldn’t be sure, because he sure as hell didn’t look at Jonas. He stared at the ground, at the ripped empty packets of sugar at his feet.

“You know what? I could kill for a cheeseburger right now. Come on, my treat.”

Isak wanted to say no. But that wouldn’t have helped one bit, and it would have turned an order into a conversation and he did not want to talk about this. Everything was fine. Even knew about his audition and he had offered Isak a cup of coffee to celebrate his success. He did care after all. Maybe he’d even call and ask for details later, he obviously could not chat at work for long when there was a line. If Even did call, he’d better be prepared. That included not being hungry.

“Fine. The usual terms.” Isak would pay back some time, Jonas would not ask him anything personal. Then he’d let Jonas feed him.

Jonas didn’t seem happy about the conditions, but they were not negotiable and he knew that. So he just sighed and nodded.

“Whatever. Let’s go now.”

Isak wanted to keep the empty cup but he couldn’t explain why even to himself. So when they passed a trash bin on the way he dropped it in there. It made an empty little thud as it hit the bottom.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tag: Absent Parents

As the first rehearsal approached Isak was starting to feel better. Life had something for him to expect again, there was something in addition to his restless sedative laced dreams and pain filled days. He had been mostly grumpy, tired, irritable and snappy, but a steady diet of cheeseburgers and carrot sticks accompanied by friendly banter and laughter had helped. Jonas had taken him out to burgers every day after school for the whole week, and now, friday afternoon, Magnus and Mahdi had tagged along.

“So, pre party at Magnus tomorrow. Can Isak bring the fun stuff?” Mahdi asked. Isak was laughing at something Jonas had just said and got caught off guard.

“I can’t come, I’ve got rehearsal”, Isak said.

“What rehearsal?” Magnus asked.

Fuck! Isak wanted to grab the sundae spoon from Magnus and stab himself in the eye with it. He had slipped. He had let himself go and this was what happened when he did that. He slipped. Isak looked at Jonas, who nodded encouragingly. Fuck.

“For a play”, Isak mumbled into his milkshake.

“That’s so cool!” Magnus was, as usual, instantly excited. “I love theatre!”

“You do not?” “Yes I do!” “When was the last time you’ve seen a play?” “I watch them on Youtube!” “No you don’t.” “Yes I do!” “Okay, name one you’ve seen this year.”

Isak pretty much missed the whole Great Theatre Debate. Mahdi, Jonas and Magnus sounded like they were somewhere further away, their voices melted together into white noise. He had slipped. It was a matter of time before he would slip again if he didn’t get his shit together. He just didn’t know what more he could do. He was already in pain near constantly, almost getting used to it, he would have to take a break before that to restore the intensity. Jonas didn’t let him starve himself. He was just too fucking exhausted for exercises. Maybe he should try butane again, pure stuff, not hairspray. Where could you buy it? He’d have to find out.

Isak took his phone in his hand to search for places to purchase butane. There was a message.

‘Got your note’ _ , _ it said.

Holy shit.

Fuck.

Isak saved the number immediately, before he or his phone had the chance to delete the message by accident. Even had messaged him. He didn’t do that, it wasn’t his MO, the KB-girl had said so and they worked together so she knew. Even had messaged him. He was  _ special. _

What the fuck would he reply?

He got another message. It was from Jonas, who was holding his phone in his hand under the table while keeping Mahdi and Magnus talking about whatever. Multitasking level 10. Jonas was asking if he was okay. Isak took a screenshot of Even’s message and sent it to him. Jonas raised his eyebrow and sent him like a hundred thumbs up.

Isak didn’t know what to do. He wanted to run somewhere to call Even, call him now, but he couldn’t. He wanted to send him a reply to his message, but he didn’t know what to say. He wanted to ask Jonas for advice, but how. Jonas kept sending him some morse code with his eyebrows, but he was too agitated to decipher it.

Jonas got up and said he’d go to the bathroom. He took his phone with him and texted Isak on the way. He encouraged Isak to reply Even.

Isak  
I can’t  
What do I say  
Why did he msg me

Jonas  
He likes you!!!

Isak  
I don’t want him to like me!  
Jesus dude  
I’ll just tell him I got to say what I had to say at KB already

Jonas  
You sent me a screenshot of his number  
Don’t make me misuse it

Isak  
You would not!

Jonas  
Yea you’re right  
But you would make a hot couple together

Isak  
Shut up! Fuck!  
NO HOMO

Jonas  
Chill  
I’m sorry

Isak  
You better be

Isak closed the conversation with Jonas and opened the one with Even.

“Isak? Hello?”

Isak raised his eyes from his phone. Magnus was staring at him expectantly.

“Huh?”

“Who are you talking with?”

Isak blushed. Why! Why the fuck was he blushing now?

“Nobody you know.”

“I know plenty of people!” Magnus protested. Mahdi was laughing out loud at him.

“Not this one. Sorry.” Isak slipped his phone into his pocket. It burned his thigh through his jeans. Even had sent him a message.

 

When Isak got home he had forgotten about his slip and his need of getting his shit back together. His shit was all over the place, Even’s message had been like a bowling ball that had shot his pins everywhere. Full strike. Perfect score.

He still hadn’t decided what he’d reply. He wanted to say something. Isak got inside and took his shoes off. The house sounded empty again. He wasn’t sure where his parents were, but he didn’t really care either. He checked the fridge and though he wasn’t hungry now he grabbed sandwich supplies and made two. He wrapped them in tinfoil and took them into his room with a banana and an apple. He didn’t want to leave his room for other than bathroom purposes. The bathroom was next to his room, so he could sneak in and out without being disturbed.

Isak sat down on his bed and opened the message again. Got your note. Even wanted him to know he had his number, and wanted to give him his. But why. Finally he took a deep breath and wrote a reply.

‘Sorry if I seemed like a stalker.’

Isak didn’t know if the KB-girl had told Even about his visits. So he couldn’t say he had been a stalker, but seeming like one would work with less stalkery activity as well. Isak both wanted and didn’t want Even to reply quickly. He stared at his phone, trying to will the message into existence. He jumped when someone slammed the front door shut. Mom was yelling, and dad was shouting, oh fuck they had been out together. Why did they keep trying to do that?

Isak took his earbuds and turned the music on. It muffled most of the sounds but he kept listening to them anyway. The argument migrated into the kitchen and spent some time there expanding. Isak could see it in his mind, the black thundering mass, growing bigger with every line spoken from either side. He heard something break, glass or porcelain, or maybe a flower pot. He slid down on the floor behind his bed, hiding himself from the door. He wasn’t here. Please don’t notice he was here.

His phone buzzed and plinged. Thank god he had the earbuds on, he only gave himself a heart attack but the couple fighting in the living room couldn’t hear it. Even had replied him. Isak didn’t even read what he had written, he typed hastily.

Isak  
I know this sounds weird but can I come over for the night? I can’t be home right now.

He hit Send before he had time to regret or step back. Something crashed again, that might have been a flower pot. It had a deeper sound. His phone buzzed again. Even had sent his address. Isak grabbed his sandwiches and fruit and packed them into his bag, he dug a small ziplock bag from under his mattress and slipped that into his pocket. He hesitated and pulled it out, opened it and took one pill before pocketing the rest again. Its bitter taste melted familiarly on his tongue. Peace of mind tasted bitter.

Isak sneaked to his door and pulled the bud out of his ear. Round one seemed to be over, someone was sobbing in the kitchen alone. Probably mom, but you could never know. Isak opened his door as silently as he could. He moved like a fucking ninja, as quiet as humanly possible, he snuck past the kitchen doorway and to the front door. Mom’s purse was on the floor. Isak reached inside and took the wallet. He picked up his shoes and left, closing the door as silently as he could. He ran around the corner before putting his shoes on and checked his mother’s wallet. He took the cash and returned, hiding behind the fence, to throw the wallet into the yard.

When the taxi drove off Isak sent a message to Even, telling him he was there. The light in the stairwell was turned on, and soon Even came to open the door. He looked worried, but not surprised. A bit like Jonas. Wait, why hadn’t he asked Jonas? Too late to wonder about that. Even pulled him inside and wrapped his arms tight around him. Isak started shaking. No. He couldn’t. Stop. Fucking stop right now.

Even led him into his apartment. Isak almost fell in the stairs twice, his legs weren’t working properly, but he made it there in one piece. Barely. He couldn’t breathe properly, only shallow raspy dry heaves. Fuck, he did not have room in his head for a panic attack now. He had experienced them before, a few times, he was so not ready for one right now.

Even took his hands. The healthy one tightly, the bruised one lightly.

“Breathe with me”, he said, looking at Isak. “Slowly. In, out. With me.”

Isak kept looking at Even. His hands sort of grounded him. His breathing made him breathe slower, deeper, bit by bit. After a while he was still rattled but he hadn’t slipped into full panic mode. Incredible.

“Thanks”, Isak whispered. Even let go of his hands.

“No problem. Now, would you like to tell me why you’re here in the middle of the night?”

Isak shook his head. He did not want to talk about it.

“Problems at home. I’ll be gone before you wake up.”

“That means I can’t cook you breakfast. Unacceptable.”

Isak laughed.

“I don’t remember the last time anyone cooked me breakfast.”

“Then it’s about time.” Even nodded in a way that made it clear to Isak that resisting would be useless. Even would make him breakfast, end of story. Isak didn’t mind that one bit. He smiled, just barely.

The smile disappeared when Even touched his cheek with his hand. Shit. Why? What?

“I’m sorry I took so long to send you my number. I’ve been busy and totally forgot. Would you like to tell me about the audition now?”

“Oh god”, Isak exhaled. “I didn’t have to kiss anyone!”

Even raised his eyebrows and laughed.

“What? No way!”

Isak was almost laughing himself. The sparkles from Even’s eyes seemed to be of contagious kind.

“Way! I just read the lines with the director and got the part.”

“Well, whoever gets to play Peter will be lucky to kiss such a well rehearsed coactor.”

Isak blushed. Lucky. Even thought someone who’d kiss him would be considered lucky. It felt good. Fucking Jonas might have been onto something.

“Are you jealous of him?” Yes! Excellent flirting, so fucking smooth. Wait, why was he flirting with Even?

“A bit.” Even was totally flirting with him. Isak had no idea why, but he did know that he wasn’t feeling like shit right that moment, and it had been a fucking long time since the last occurrence. He wasn’t in pain either, and he most certainly wasn’t in control, but that felt so, fucking, liberating.

So he stepped closer to Even. And closer. Even didn’t move. He stood still, he let Isak come to him. Even let him reach his hand behind his neck, and raise his heels off the floor, and press his lips against his. And when Isak kissed him he parted his lips ever so slightly, and kissed him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the notes in the beginning of Chapter 7 before proceeding.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stop. Read this first.
> 
> In the beginning of this chapter there is action that can be called borderline non-con. It doesn't go past kissing and is based on a misunderstanding, but please do not read this in a head space unfit for such things. Thank you.

Isak stepped back as soon as the kiss withered away. He was completely red faced and shattered. He felt like he was supposed to be horrified or ashamed but he was neither, and that really scared him. It scared him to the core.

“I. I have no idea why I did that.”

“My guess is that you wanted to.” God, Even took this so fucking lightly. He was unwavering, untouchable, unashamed. How did he do that?

“No! I mean. I don’t know. I’m not --” He was going to say he wasn’t gay, but for some reason he didn’t want Even to know about that. What the fuck, seriously?

“Would you like to do it again?” Even tilted his head ever so slightly, as if preparing to receive him. Isak couldn’t take his eyes off of his lips. He must have noticed that because he licked them slowly, his tongue just peeking through. Isak felt sick to his stomach.

“I don’t know”, he whispered. He had absolutely no idea. It was like his mind was disconnected from his body, detached, he had no control over it whenever Even was around. He felt free. Freedom was fucking scary. Freedom meant anything could happen.

“Let’s find out”, Even said. He stepped closer to Isak again. So close that their bodies almost touched. Isak was frozen. He was almost shaking. He could not move. Even was so close, he could feel the heat of his body, he could smell his woody aftershave and then, all of a sudden, he could taste his lips again. Even was kissing him again. Isak’s heart was racing and pounding and throbbing out of sync, he stopped shaking because he simply couldn’t move a muscle anymore and he just stood there. Even was kissing him. Isak couldn’t feel his body but he could feel his lips, Even’s lips on them, how they nibbled at his softly. He could feel the tip of Even’s tongue caress his lips. They stood like that for what felt like an eternity, Even kissing Isak, Isaks just kind of standing there like an idiot, and finally Isak tried moving his lips. They obeyed.

Maybe it was because he was so tired. Maybe he was so scared. Maybe it was the bitter aftertaste of calmness on his tongue, but Isak let Even kiss him. He kind of kissed him back as well, tentatively and timidly. Even really, really seemed to want to kiss him and that felt amazing. This godlike creature of hotness wanted to kiss  _ him. _ As the kissing endured it got bolder, Isak felt Even’s arms around him and pulling him closer. He arrived. He was delivered. He pressed his body against Even’s and felt the warmth and the heat and the joy in his muscles, Even was happy he was kissing him. Of all people, him. It was kind of hard to breathe again, he opened his mouth to gasp for air, and Even slipped his tongue in. Oh god.

Isak pulled himself back again. He was panting slightly, his eyes were wide open and wild, he could barely stand. He was freaking out, definitely freaking out, he wanted to run away and he couldn’t. He wanted to keep kissing Even forever but he shouldn’t. He had to say something. Speak!

“I can’t.”

Even was also breathing heavier. He touched Isak’s thigh with his, made him jump a bit. He was so fucking close and he smelled really hot.

“Are you sure?”

Of course he wasn’t sure! What kind of a question was that supposed to be? Isak shook his head very little. He wasn’t sure. Even leaned in to kiss him once more. He turned his face away.

“Let me go.” Isak wasn’t sure if he said it out loud. He wasn’t sure if his vocal cords worked at all. But Even didn’t let go so he probably hadn’t made a sound. He had to try again. “Please.”

Even tried to kiss him again. Isak finally regained control of his body and squirmed his way out of Even’s arms.

“I said let me go.”

Even stared at him, confused.

“No you didn’t.”

Isak felt tears fill his eyes. Fuck! He rubbed his eyes with the back of his shaking hand.

“I tried to”, he sniffled. He had tried to, right? He wasn’t sure about it anymore. All he wanted to do was sleep, preferably on Even’s arms, but he didn’t understand that want and it scared him. Even looked like a small animal someone had just kicked.

“Isak, I’m sorry.”

That was not what Isak had expected Even to say. Not at all.

“Wh--what?” Isak sniffled. Why the fuck was he still crying?

“I really thought you wanted this.”

There it was again. Those three words. You wanted this. They were not untrue.

“That’s the point.” Isak could tell from Even’s face that he didn’t understand him one bit. That wasn’t a shock, he didn’t really understand this himself either. “I am not gay. But.”

Even smiled knowingly.

“You are not my first not gay, but, Isak.” God, was he actually a bit smug about that? Of course he was, why wouldn’t he be, he was so fucking hot and he knew it.

“It’s not like that.” Isak had to wipe his eyes again. His nose was getting stuffy and there was a lump in his throat. All he wanted to do was tell Even, tell him everything and then curl into his embrace for the rest of his mortal life. But at the same time he knew that was absolutely out of the question. Absolutely impossible. “I just can’t. Please don’t ask me to.” If Even asked him again, even once, he might not be able to say no.

“I want to ask you. Very, very much.” Isak looked into Even’s eyes. They were darker than usual, deeper. They had more gravity. Isak could feel the pull. But his eyes were borderline frantic and finally Even shook his head. “But I won’t.”

“Thank you.” Thank you thank you thank you. Isak could breathe again. He backed up until his back hit the wall and then sat slowly down on the floor. He couldn’t trust his legs anymore. He wasn’t absolutely sure if he could trust Even’s body any more than his own, but he didn’t have much choice.

“It’s late”, Even said calmly. “I’ll make you a bed on the couch.”

Isak nodded. He really wanted to sleep with Even, just sleep, maybe be the little spoon, but he could not. Their bodies could not be trusted.

 

Isak woke up to the smell of breakfast. He could smell coffee, and bacon, and oh god, was that toast? If it was, then Even was right now making his dream breakfast. Isak yawned and tried to stretch a bit. He was just a bit too tall for the couch to sleep comfortably but he had been so beat and exhausted that he had fallen asleep anyway. His back was killing him as he sat up slowly, trying to bring his body back to life.

He got a jump start when he remembered that he had practice. He searched frantically for his phone and found it still in his pocket. He had fallen asleep with his clothes on. He checked the time and thank god it wasn’t even ten yet. The rehearsal started at noon. He had time for breakfast.

Isak snuck into the bathroom first. He did his business, washed his hands and face and tried to stare his image into coherence. It worked somewhat. Isak heard Even work in the kitchen, he had music on and he was singing along. He must have heard Isak was awake, Isak hadn’t heard anything when he woke up.

“Is this Gabrielle?” Isak asked at the kitchen door. Even was cooking. He was wearing pajama pants and an apron, Isak stared at his shoulder blades and started salivating. It was probably just the smell of breakfast.

“I think so?” Even looked at Isak over his bare beautifully sculpted shoulder. “How do you like your eggs?”

“Uhh. Cooked?” Isak had no preference. He didn’t really remember the last time he actually had eggs. He wanted to tell Even he didn’t want any, he didn’t really have an appetite now, the first rehearsal spun in his head, but they smelled so good that Isak was confident he could force them down with relative ease.

Even chuckled.

“It’s your lucky morning then. They’ll be cooked.” He spooned something white into a bowl and cracked four eggs in it, gave it a frisk whisk before pouring the contents of the bowl into a hot pan. He was dancing simultaneously. Isak just leaned against the doorframe and looked at him work. He looked happy. Maybe some of his happiness would rub on Isak as well if he just stayed in his vicinity.

Even finished cooking the eggs and put on some more toast. He had munched on a slice while he was cooking and Isak had been so jealous, but certain that he’d get his share if he just waited patiently. He was not disappointed. Even buttered the slices generously after they’d popped out, spread some eggs on them and garnished with two slices of crispy bacon each. Then he gave the plate to Isak and put some more toast on for himself.

“It’s too crowded in here, let’s eat in the living room. You take your coffee with cream and a handful of sugar, right?”

Isak blushed. And nodded, he had no choice. Even remembered his coffee order and now he was committed to it every time he had coffee with Even. Even made his cup for him and Isak took it with the plate into the living room. He sat down on the couch and dug in. It was delicious. He had practically wolfed down a toast and a half by the time Even arrived with his plate.

“You know, I ate too much cooking toast. Here.”

Before Isak could resist Even had slid one of his breakfast sandwiches on Isak’s plate. Isak sighed but kept it. These were really good sandwiches. He didn’t mind having a third one. After cleaning his plate he drank his coffee in one sickeningly sweet gulp and let out a huge burp.

“Oh god, sorry!”

Even just laughed.

“In Japan that’s a compliment. So, thank you.”

“No, thank  _ you. _ This was amazing. All of this.”

Isak blushed as he remembered the kissing. Now that he had rested and eaten and felt somewhat in control of his body again the panic had dissolved. He really wished Even would have put a shirt on, though.

“Are you in a hurry?”

Isak really wanted to know why Even asked. But he couldn’t enquire that, the answer might have made him want to stay and he really had to go.

“I’ve got my first rehearsal today at noon. I should get going.” 

Did Even look disappointed? Isak kind of liked to think he did. He got up and took his dishes into the kitchen. The stove was still on, the empty hot plate was almost glowing. Isak turned it off. Even wasn’t probably a morning person either.

“Call me after?”

Isak jumped when he heard Even’s voice at the kitchen door. For such a tall guy he sure was sneaky.

“After what?”

“The rehearsal. I want to know how it went. And if Peter is hot.”

Isak blushed. He really hoped he wasn’t. At least not as hot as Even. If that was physically possible and why was he still thinking about this? Focus!

“I will. I just hope I don’t blow it.”

“Nonsense. You’ll be awesome, I just know it.”

Even’s encouragement felt still warm in Isak’s chest as he stepped outside to the sidewalk. Even thought he’d be awesome. Even really, really liked kissing him. And Even made killer breakfast and wanted to share his part of it with him. Thinking about him made Isak feel almost light.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tags: Homelessness

After the rehearsal Isak was exhausted. First they had done some exercises to get acquainted and know each other for a bit. Then they did some improvisation and other similar stuff and three hours later Isak was surprisingly tired. But he was happy. The crew seemed really nice and he still loved the script and the guy who played Peter was cute but not too much so. Isak had spent three hours with people who had no idea how shitty and reckless he was, and he got to be someone else multiple times. He loved this. He had found something wonderful. He wanted to tell Even about it.

He took his phone from his bag. He had kept it on silent mode during practice. Mom had called like ten times. She had also sent a message. It was long and riddled with typos but the main points were clear. Isak’s things were packed in a bag in the front yard, he was not welcome home anymore and he was lucky they didn’t press charges on theft and should thank his maker that they let him keep his phone, but they would not pay its charges anymore.

Isak had to sit down on the floor. He stared at the screen but yes, he had read right. Sure, he had taken quite a bit from mom’s wallet last night but he thought she wouldn’t notice. Or connect it to him or. He had been foolish. He had just wanted to get out of there as fast as possible, he should have taken only enough for the cab. A part of him kept whispering into his ear that this is what they had been waiting for, mom and dad, waiting for him to turn eighteen and fuck up so they could get rid of their embarrassment of a son.

He didn’t know what to do. So he returned to his original plan to call Even. He waited, phone on his ear, but Even didn’t pick up. He tried again. Nothing. He sent Even a message, asking if he could come over again. Reading his response felt like taking a punch in the gut. He had hooked up with someone. Even had hooked up with someone, hours after Isak had left his apartment, after those kisses last night..but of course. He hadn’t put out. Of course Even would find someone who would. And because he was Even, it was only natural that it wouldn’t take long. But why did it make him feel so bad? Why did it feel basically worse than mom’s message did? Because he was insane, that’s why.

Isak did his best to focus on other things. Like his current predicament, being suddenly homeless and with about 200 in his wallet. He didn’t dare go get his bag, in case mom or dad or fucking both would be there to confront him. Or the cops. He could ask Jonas but that would provoke questions Isak was not ready to answer. He could not, absolutely not, ask Even. Isak opened his contacts and started scrolling, frantically, desperate to find someone,  _ anyone. _

Wonderwall. Why was there a contact named Wonderwall in there? Isak opened it and tried to recognize the number, in vain. He strained his memory. It was a song, right? Where had he heard it last? Who had he been with? He remembered being drunk. He might have cried? He remembered glitter.

“Eskild Tryggvason speaking, how can I help you?” When the guy answered Isak remembered him. Eskild. The gayest motherfucker of the bar, in his own words. Isak had been miserable in his near passed out state and Eskild had taken care of him. He had sang Wonderwall to him, maybe, or played it with his phone or something. But did Eskild remember him?

“Hello. It’s me. Isak Valtersen.” Isak had no idea if Eskild had ever heard his last name. Or his first name either. “I found your number in my phone under Wonderwall?”

Eskild giggled. Not at Isak but at someone he was with, he could hear people around him. Eskild seemed like the type of person who always had people around them.

“If I have given you my number with that name that means I’ve decided to help you if need be. It’s kind of a hobby of mine. So, is this call just to catch up or do you need something?”

Isak had to struggle so he wouldn’t cry. Eskild sounded so kind.

“There’s a bag on a yard. It’s mine. I can’t go get it and I was wondering if --”

“Sure”, Eskild interrupted. “Where is it and where do you want it?”

He lost the struggle. The lack of hesitation did it, broke him, this Eskild guy just wanted to help him out and seemed happy that he could. Isak started crying. Thank god he was alone, the rest of the crew had already left. He told Eskild the address and that his parents might give him a hard time but he didn’t need to talk to them, just say he told him to get the bag. And that he would meet him in the pizza place nearby. He was starving after the rehearsal, and he was too upset to take advantage of his state.

Isak had finished his pizza by the time Eskild got to him. He was dragging a huge backpack with him. It was Isak’s, and it contained all he owned now. Isak really wished there’d be a charger, his phone was going to die before morning.

“I know you’re not supposed to diss someone’s mother but your mom is a  _ bitch. _ ” Eskild rolled his eyes and put the bag down next to Isak. Isak blushed. He was ashamed of his mother. This wasn’t the first time.

“Did she give you a hard time?”

Eskild shrugged.

“Let’s say she met her match and leave it at that. I’m not proud of myself or what I said.”

Isak got his wallet out. He took out a 100 kr bill and handed it to Eskild.

“Here. I’m sorry I don’t have more, that doesn’t probably cover even the cab.”

“It’s okay, Baby Gay. I took my bike.”

“What?”

“I have a bike? I don’t know how to explain the concept to you if you’re not familiar with it.”

Isak shook his head. He wasn’t in the mood for this.

“What did you call me?”

“Baby Gay?”

Isak jumped.

“Not so loud!” he hissed. Eskild looked confused. “Why the hell are you calling me that?”

“That’s what I had your number in my phone under when you called. Baby Gay calling, I pick up, it’s you.”

Isak pulled Eskild down to the seat next to him. His voice was an angry whisper.

“I am not responsible on that! You saved it yourself and you are  _ wrong, _ I am not gay. At all. No homo.”

“That’s not what you told me when we last met. You mentioned some kind of a double Chris situation that you found unsatisfactory.”

Isak strained his memory. Had he actually, really, told about that to someone he didn’t even know? Fuck.

“I wasn’t gay, I was drunk!”

Eskild sighed.

“Whatever, little guy. It doesn’t matter to me. I’ll switch your info right now.” Eskild took out his phone and played with it. He showed the screen to Isak. Isak Valtersen, and his number. Better.

“Thanks. I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“It’s always a pleasure to meet people who think being gay is just the worst.”

Isak flinched. Fuck. Eskild had been nothing but wonderful to him and he was a little shit right back at him.

“I don’t mean it like that.”

“Oh honey, I know exactly how you mean it. Now, is there something else I can do for you?”

Isak felt like shit. He was exhausted and lonely and scared, and he had pissed off the one person who was there helping him now. Fuck. But he’d have to ask anyhow, he’d rather ask Eskild than Jonas.

“I could really use a shower and a place to sleep for tonight.”

Eskild thought about it. Isak hoped he looked sad and small and pathetic enough. He sure as hell was feeling that way.

“I can’t say no to those puppy eyes”, Eskild sighed dramatically. “Come on. You can take a shower at Kollektivet and crash in the basement.”

“Thank you! Seriously, you’re a fucking saint.” Isak tried to lift his backpack but it was really heavy. Mom had stuffed it absolutely full. She really wanted to get his things out of the house. Or maybe she had filled it with potatoes or bricks or the dictionary series from the living room shelf just out of spite.

“Let me”, Eskild said and lifted the backpack up. He pulled it on his back before Isak could stop him. “I’ll carry this, you’ll walk with the bike.”

Isak followed Eskild outside. His bike was old and huge and heavy, it had no gears either. It didn’t really matter when walking with it, but Isak was still impressed by Eskild’s feat of riding it to his home - no, it wasn’t his home anymore, shit - and back here in the time he had done so. And he had insulted him for that. He was such a fucking disgrace.

“Why did you call me?”

Eskild’s question startled Isak. He shrugged, with only his left shoulder.

“I couldn’t think of anyone else.”

“Don’t you have any friends?”

Isak shook his head.

“I can’t tell them about this. I can’t have them feeling sorry for me.” Especially when pity was one of the things he least deserved. Pity, kindness and mercy, and here Eskild was showering him with them all. It was easier because he was a stranger.

Eskild didn’t seem pleased but he didn’t protest either. They chatted about trivial things, normal stuff, like movies and music and the new club that was opening next month. Isak liked it. Walking with the bike and talking with Eskild, like any normal person might. His life had been flipped upside down repeatedly lately, and a glimpse of normal was nice to have. It didn’t last longer than the walk to Kollektivet, but it was something.

The apartment seemed huge. So many rooms, a big living room, a proper kitchen and a bathroom with a shower. There was a selection of shampoos and shower gels, Isak opted for the unscented ones just in case. He didn’t want to smell like a body spray commercial or a flower bouquet. After the shower he wrapped himself in Eskild’s baby pink bathrobe and walked into his room. His backpack was in there. The charger was on top, thank heavens.

“Can I charge my phone here?”

Eskild allowed it. Isak plugged the charger in and then started to go through his possessions. Clothes. His spare pair of shoes. No laptop, but he didn’t expect to find it there anyway. The rest of his school books -that’s the weight! - were also there, as well as mp3 player. And that was it. That was all he owned now. Isak packed everything back in there except for a pair of boxers, jeans, socks and a hoodie. He got dressed while Eskild had his back turned to him.

“Thank you. For the shower and. Everything.”

Eskild nodded.

“Don’t mention it. Do you like Game of Thrones?”

After watching three episodes with Isak Eskild turned the player off.

“Okay, it’s time to show you your new quarters. I can keep you there for a week, tops. Less, if someone notices you’re there, so keep it quiet and low, okay?”

Isak nodded. Of course. He was an expert in keeping his head down. He got his phone and charger and packed them into his messenger bag. He noticed a packet of foil and two pieces of fruit in there. He had forgotten about them. He really hoped the sandwiches were still edible, he was kind of hungry again.

While Isak gathered his things Eskild filled two empty water bottles and took them with them.

“There’s no water down there. I’ll bring more when I leave home, just leave the empty bottles outside the door. No bathroom, sorry, you’ll have to use the coffee shops and such. Do not piss in a bottle unless you really have no other choice, thank you.”

As Eskild was speaking they descended to the cellar of the building. Eskild opened the door and showed Isak how to adjust the lock so it wouldn’t be locked. If he’d get locked outside he could text Eskild, but there was no guarantee that he’d be able to come to the rescue immediately. Finally they stopped in front of a storage unit. Its walls were made of beams of unfinished wood and chicken wire.

“Barely anybody comes down here if it’s not time for spring cleaning or Christmas. But if someone does, just hide yourself under a blanket and stay put.” Eskild opened the padlock and gave Isak the key. Isak stepped inside. There was kind of a nest in between the boxes and crates, made of old pillows and blankets. He wasn’t the first lost boy Eskild had kept here, he guessed.

“If you need electricity, the socket is up there by the door. If you’ll charge your phone there you’ll need to stand next to it holding it up. I recommend you use it only in emergencies.”

Eskild put the water bottles down by the storage unit’s door.

“This is where you’ll find the water.”

Isak looked around. The air smelled a bit damp, just a hint of it, and it would be pitch black when the lights were turned off. But it was warm. He had shelter.

“Thank you. I mean really. Thank you.”

“A week, Isak. And please don’t come up without invitation, I don’t need my roommates asking questions about this.”

Isak dragged his backpack into his new temporary home. He hid it behind two cardboard boxes. Someone had written X-MAS STUFF on them with a red pen. Eskild retreated to the door.

“I’ll turn the light off for you when you’re ready.”

Isak took the water bottles and closed the chicken wire door. It took a bit of fiddling but he got the padlock in its place. He crawled into his nest and unlocked his phone’s screen. There was reception, oh good.

“I’m ready. Thank you.”

It got dark. Isak could see Eskild’s shadow in a rectangle of light on the floor.

“Good night, Isak.”

“Good night.”

Eskild left. The rectangle got smaller and smaller and then it disappeared with a clang of the heavy metal door closing. Isak was left alone in the dark.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tags: Internalized Homophobia, Masturbation  
> added people: Chris 1 and 2

Isak turned off his phone’s flashlight. It was too bright. It felt like he could be seen from far away, someone would see him and he’d have to leave. He knew it was impossible, he was alone in the basement and the vast darkness around him stopped at the walls, but in his solitude it was way too easy to let his imagination run wild. It was better to sit in darkness, listening to the building’s breathing. And his own. Isak couldn’t tell which one was heavier.

What was Even doing right then? Or, should the question have been, who was he doing? Isak blushed at that thought, surprised by the hostility it stirred in him. Even had told it to him himself, he was a notorious slut. That’s who he was, and Isak had known it from the start. Start of what? Isak rested his head against a box and closed his eyes for a moment. What, exactly, had started, and when?

He had to rewind a bit over a year. To the first time he had been hanging out with the guys and pulled a pillow in his lap, when he had first realized he had not been listening to a word Jonas had been saying, just looked at him, feeling this odd hunger. The pillow had been pale green, a blueish hue, he could still remember how the fabric had felt under his restless fingertips. And he remembered the hunger, and the terror, and the shame. Jonas was his best friend, his bro, and Isak did not understand what was happening but he had known it was something wrong. Something bad and dirty. Something that had a nasty name.

He had been so happy when it had passed. It had been a horrible week but it had passed, his vague dirty feelings for Jonas had faded. They had left their marks. Both in Isak’s mind and on his body. Isak stroked his inner thigh lightly, he couldn’t feel the tiny scars through his jeans but he knew exactly where they were. Three cuts, side by side, one for each time he had come uttering Jonas’ name.

Isak pressed his palms against his eyes. Fuck. He was such a fucking mess and there he was now, in a dark basement, with boxes of christmas shit and old bicycle parts. And he could not, absolutely not, tell Jonas about it. He might slip. He might let Jonas know about his shameful nasty thoughts about him and that’d be the end of it all.

Then there had been the double Chris situation Isak had told Eskild - a fucking stranger! - about. This girl on his class, Chris, had an obvious thing about him. And a possible oral fixation. Isak didn’t really mind her, she was cool and funny he had heard, but around that time some other Chris had been keeping filling his mind. An older boy, one of the notorious Penetrators. There was just something about that smile of his, the one he kept flashing at the girls of Nissen, that wouldn’t stop bothering Isak. Thinking about him, occasional fantasy or two, seemed safe. He didn’t really know him or any of the Penetrators, and he didn’t hang out with them either. But he had played with the idea, swapping the Chris, he had to admit that.

It had taken a lot of time and effort, a lot of pain and discipline, but Isak had regained control of himself and his thoughts once more. Then the play happened. The script, the scene, Adam, Even. It happened and here Isak was again. Out of control. Sleeping in a storage unit in a basement of a man he didn’t really know. Missing like hell, missing a guy.

Isak slapped his hand against his mouth when he heard that thought. Missing a guy. Was he really..yes, he was. He  _ missed _ Even, the sight of him, the sound, the feel, the scent. The taste. Oh god he was deep now, deeper than ever, how could he pull himself out this time? He just had to. Somehow he had to get Even out of his system completely, and all this other bullshit, and be normal again. People did that all the time, he had read dozens of stories online. Stories of healing and redemption. His story could end like that as well. It would just take work.

Isak tried to figure out what he thought had started with Even but he couldn’t. Their last meeting ran through his head like a gif, just looping over and over again, never stopping. How he had kissed Even, he saw himself first standing there looking at him and then practically jumping him. Zoom in, his lips on Even’s mouth. Freeze frame. Isak looked at that image carefully, their mouths locked together, Even’s tongue touching his lower lip. Was Even smiling? Was he?

Zoom in, Even’s thigh touching his. Freeze frame, was he hard? Was Even? You wanted this. You wanted this, Isak, you wanted this so bad you could taste it, so hard you can’t hurt yourself enough to beat it out of you.

Isak sighed softly as he slipped his fingers under the hem of his hoodie. He found warm skin there, warm skin that rose to goosebumps from the touch. He was enveloped by darkness, all alone in the universe, he was hidden. You wanted this. Thighs touching, Even’s tongue in his mouth, his whole body frozen in horror. He did not want it. He did not want it at all, he wanted to run away but he couldn’t. He did not want that, he did not want men, he sighed again, longer and shivering, when his fingertips met his pubic hair inside his jeans.

Even’s tongue in his mouth. Their thighs touching. Even’s tongue, Even’s lips, Even’s slippery quick moving tongue, Isak was breathing heavier and popped the button of his jeans. He unzipped them, he pushed his hand inside his boxers and touched his rock hard dick. It felt almost hot in his hand, pumped full of blood that was boiling in his veins. Had he been hard then? He did not remember, it was all a blur of fear and loathing and need.

“Faggot”, Isak whispered to himself, barely audibly. He grabbed himself harder, he started moving his hand up and down in angry hard strokes. “Fucking piece of shit little faggot.”

He found his nipple through his hoodie. It was hard as well, a rock hard button shining through the fabric, he took it between his fingernails and pinched as hard as he could. That made him cry out in pain, see stars, he pinched again equally hard. He was gasping, panting, his breathing was out of sync and out of place in his throat and lungs, he was shaking, shaking all over, shaking.

He pulled his dick out of his boxers. He grabbed it with both hands, jerked himself off frantically. Images kept flashing through his head, frozen frames of thighs touching, lips and tongues, the corner of Jonas’ mouth, the smile on Penetrator Chris’ lips. Jonas, Chris, Even, taking turns by his side, their lips on his mouth, their tongues between his lips, rubbing the imprints of their rock hard dicks against his thigh. Isak could smell his precum, he could hear the wet noises his hands were making, stroking his wet dick up and down, up and down, faster, harder. Faggot faggot faggot faggot.

Alone in the basement’s dark universe Isak came harder than he had come in ages. He struggled not to scream, he let out a muffled cry, tears were running down his face and mixed in the semen he had shot on his cheek. His hands were wet with the stuff as well. He collapsed into his nest of pillows and blankets and sobbed.

 

Isak woke up when someone slammed two bottles of water on the floor.

“God, it reeks of sex here! What did you do all night?”

It was Eskild. Isak hadn’t heard him come in. He peeked out from under his blankets, groggy and with a wicked headache. It kind of radiated up from his sore neck.

“Mmmrning”, he muttered, completely red faced. If he hadn’t taken a pill last night he might’ve died of shame but now he was kind of collected. Kind of calm.

“Is that -- oh honey, you’re coming up with me right now. You need a shower.”

“I just had one”, Isak protested grumpily. He wanted to sleep a bit more, while the pill was still kicking and he could.

“Isak you have sperm in your hair. Either you had someone over or you can colour me impressed.”

Isak touched his hair and felt the dried out gunk in there. Fuck. Oh god. What was he, an animal? A slave of his fucked up libido, a sex crazed maniac. A fucking insatiable faggot slut. He looked at Eskild, mouth open, horrified and pale.

Eskild smiled.

“It’s okay, sweetie. I remember what it was like to be in your age. Come on now, I have places to be today.”

Isak checked his clothes. They were clean, apart from a small fleck on his hoodie that he could spot clean. So he just dug out a fresh pair of boxers and socks from his backpack and gave Eskild the key through the chicken wire wall. It was easier for him to unlock the padlock and let him out. Isak gathered the apple core and banana peels and the sadly ruined sandwiches with him.

“Can I use your trash can?”

“What’s in the foil?”

“I made sandwiches home and forgot about them.”

Eskild made a disgusted face.

“Ew. Ewww. Yes, let’s get rid of the biohazard asap.”

Isak couldn’t help pondering which biohazard Eskild meant. It made him kind of smile, in his groggy state of serenity.

“Do you have any painkillers to spare? My head is hurting like crazy.”

“We might, I must check.” Eskild let Isak inside and shooed him into the bathroom. He started with cleaning his hoodie and left it to dry while he took a quick shower. When he got out Eskild called for him in the kitchen.

“Sit down and eat.”

There was a plate of oatmeal on the table. And a glass of juice and two painkillers. A small tub of strawberry yogurt.

“I can’t pay for this yet”, Isak said.

“I said, sit down and eat.”

Eskild sat down on the opposite side of the table. He had a pen and paper in front of him, and on the paper a phone number. Isak sat down and started eating. He had never tasted a plate of oatmeal that fucking delicious. He downed the painkillers with the juice and ate the yogurt as a dessert.

“Now”, Eskild said, after Isak had eaten. “I suppose I’m correct if I presume that you do not wish to be in contact with your parents right now?”

Isak nodded. Eskild was correct. He could not see them, not now, not maybe ever again.

“Well then. That means we can’t contact social services either. You’re still in school and live with your parents, to them you’re their responsibility.”

Isak winced. He was so royally fucked. Eskild pushed the paper with the phone number across the table to him.

“I work with an organization who helps kids who need a haven. Temporarily, permanently, it varies with everyone. But there is something you should seriously consider.”

Isak looked at the number. Then he looked up at Eskild. He seemed worried, and sad, and sorry.

“It’s for rainbow youth, Isak. Gay, bi, trans, that sort of folk. People who can’t stay home because it’s not safe for them.”

Isak swallowed. He understood what Eskild was saying. He was not ready for what Eskild was saying.

“Are you kicking me out of the basement then?”

“I promised you a week, and a week you shall get.”

Isak nodded. He took the number and shoved it in his pocket.

“I just need to take a breather and figure my shit out. Find a place to stay, maybe a job, I don’t know. I really appreciate your help, and out of that appreciation I’m keeping this number for now. Okay?”

“Very well, sweetie. Now, I’m sorry, but it’s time to go. Go take a piss and then we’re leaving, as I said, I have places to be.”

Isak went to the bathroom. He washed his hands and without really even thinking about it grabbed a disposable razor from the shelf under the mirror and put it in his pocket. He told himself he needed to shave.


	10. Chapter 10

After Sunday’s rehearsal Isak was exhausted but kind of happy. He had once again forgotten all about his own life and focused on Adam’s. It wasn’t the main lead, but a significant character anyhow, and he had appeared in well over two thirds of the scenes during reading practice. It was a good script. They had a good team. It would be a great play.

Isak had visited the store to buy five packs of instant noodles. Five meals, he could stretch them out for two days, and Jonas was probably going to drag him to a cheeseburger after school Monday so he was covered. Hungry, but surviving, that was the best he could hope for right then. Plus it wasn’t going to be the first time he’d eat noodles for a week. It would be the first time he’d be eating them uncooked though, apart from a bite here and there.

When Isak got to the basement door he noticed it was locked. He pulled as hard as he could but nope, locked, no entry. Fuck. Eskild had his thing where he needed to be, and Isak was not going to bother him yet. He didn’t need to sleep now, he just had felt like a nap, and he had a bottle of water, his charger and five packs of noodles in his bag. Plus the baggie of pills, hidden inside the lining, with the razor. He was good to go. So he went.

He opted for the library. It had comfy chairs, free wifi and outlets for his charger. Isak picked the reading nook furthest away from the service desk and huddled behind his bag to eat his noodles. He didn’t want to eat them outside like an animal. Isak crushed the disk inside the bag and teared it carefully open. The garlic oil burned his tongue as he squeezed it out into his mouth and swallowed every drop. The noodles didn’t taste like anything after that. He didn’t mind.

Nobody interrupted Isak’s dinner. He ate every last crumb and made sure he didn’t leave any mess behind. He emptied his water bottle to get rid of the garlic and rehydrate his mouth, dried out by both the noodles and their saltiness. He felt marginally better. He was still basking in the afterglow of the rehearsal. The reality kept creeping in bit by bit, but it hadn’t darkened all the light yet.

Isak got up and went to the bathroom to fill his water bottle. He saw himself in the mirror and decided to clean himself up a bit. He picked a stall and locked the door. He took the razor out. It was hard to shave using his front camera as a mirror and with a dry blade, but he didn’t really mind giving himself an accidental little nick here and there. He was happy his stubble was more like a sad excuse of one to begin with. The blade had seen its best days quite a while ago.

After shaving Isak just kind of sat there for a long time. He was holding his phone and holding the razor, looking at the blades. He imagined how he could cut into his chest and pull his heart out and hold it on his palm, look at it shiver and try to beat. See the bruises, and the cuts, the black viscous liquid oozing out of them staining everything it touched. He imagined ripping it off altogether and throwing it in the trash. He had no use for it. He would be better off without. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away, for it is better to lose one part of your body than make your whole body go to Hell. Isak did not fear Hell, he had lived in it for quite some time, but the advice seemed solid still.

Isak needed the razor, and cutting with it without dismantling it was too messy and hard to control. He needed something else. So he opened his messages.

Even  
Sorry can’t speak now having sex ttyl

Isak read Even’s message over and over again. He had actually taken the time off mid-sex to send him a message to make him leave him alone. It stung. Isak could feel the flesh of his heart give in at one more spot and the blackness burst out into his chest cavity. It felt heavy. It served him right.

Isak wondered who Even was having sex with. And if they were still there. Had they spent the night? Had Even made them breakfast while dancing to the radio? The image of Even’s bare shoulder blades flashed in front of Isak’s eyes and his stomach curled up tight around the dry noodles inside it. It kind of hurt.

Someone knocked at the door.

“Is everything alright in there? You’ve been there quite some time.”

Fuck. He got caught. Caught doing what, exactly, he didn’t know, all he knew was that his heart was racing and his whole body was ready to fight or run. They knocked again. Fuck. Answer, you idiot!

“I’m alright. Thanks.”

That seemed to satisfy the person behind the door. They left, Isak heard the door open and shut and he was alone again. Fucking bathroom police! He had the right to spend as long as he wanted in here. He wasn’t bothering anyone. But he got up and left anyway, after waiting for a bit more to make sure the person who had been knocking wouldn’t be around to see him. Isak pulled his hood onto his head and grouched his shoulders almost up to his ears as he slipped out of the bathroom and the whole library altogether. He didn’t know when he’d dare go back again.

Isak almost dropped his phone when it buzzed in his hand. He squeezed it hard as he opened his messages.

Even  
How was the rehearsal?

Isak stared at the screen. Just like that, below having sex ttyl, Even was casually asking how his rehearsal was. Why did he care? Did he care? Was this a booty call? No, if it was, it was a really bad one and Even most likely knew how to make really really good ones. So. Even wanted to know, and he had asked, and that made Isak special.

Isak  
Amazing  
I loved it  
Can’t wait until Tuesday

Even  
Told you you’d rock

Isak blushed. He suddenly felt like purring. Even thought he rocked. That gave him courage to ask.

Isak  
Can I come over?

It was a stupid thing to ask. A dangerous thing. He could not be trusted around Even and Even most certainly could not be trusted at all, but Isak was still pumped with adrenaline and he was lonely and scared and he couldn’t get in to the basement. He was running low on options.

Even  
Sure, I’m home doing nothing. Please join me.

Isak’s heart was fluttering. His head felt light again, and the blackness within his chest didn’t weight so much. His heartbeats disintegrated it and the tiny particles got sucked back into his tissue. Even had asked him to join him. The lightness of his head traveled down to his feet and he started running.

He was feeling a bit sick when he got to Even’s house. He had to lean on his knees for a minute and catch his breath. He didn’t want to throw up his noodles and oh fuck, the garlic oil. What if Even wanted to kiss him? Well. He wouldn’t! Problem solved, Even would maybe approach, take one whiff and retreat. Good. Good. He was safe. Garlic had been used as deterring evil since forever, and it didn’t fail now.

Even opened the door and Isak’s belly did a somersault. He was so beautiful. He looked fucking incredible, his hair a bit messy from maybe dozing off on the couch or enjoying some afternoon delight me-time. That thought made Isak blush. Or was it the way Even looked at him that did that to him?

“Uh. Hey. Can I come in?”

Even smiled and stepped aside. Isak entered his apartment and his skin felt prickly all over. He put his bag down on the floor by the door. He didn’t need his noodles now. He felt Even’s gaze on his skin, on the back of his neck, and his hair stood up. He shouldn’t have come. He had to come.

“So, how was the sex?” What! Why, why on Earth did he ask that? He didn’t want to know! He didn’t care one bit! It sent the wrong message, so wrong. Isak wasn’t sure what message exactly but it couldn’t have been right.

Even laughed, surprised.

“A bit above average to me, I suppose. They seemed very happy though.”

Oh god, the nerve. Even was basically telling him he was great in bed. But he didn’t care, not one bit interested, didn’t apply to him.

“Great. I’m glad you had a good time --” While my parents kicked me out, he was going to say, but stopped himself. No. It wasn’t Even’s business. He wasn’t about to make it Even’s business. He should just leave. He turned to get his bag but then Even was there, so close to him, standing right in front of him. Isak stared at him without a voice, without a will. Just stared at him, eyes wide, lips parted, hunger radiating from his every cell.

Even could see it. Isak just knew it, Even could see his hunger and need and fear, the whirlpool of emotions inside him, spinning faster and faster. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t speak. He wanted to start crying but he didn’t dare. And when Even placed his hand on his waist he whimpered, barely making a sound. Oh god. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Isak staid still, glued to the floor, Even’s hand traveled around him and settled down on his lower back. Isak couldn’t breathe. Even leaned closer, he parted his lips, he closed his eyes. Isak turned his head away, quickly, Even’s lips barely grazed his cheek.

“Garlic”, Isak mumbled and squirmed away from Even’s grip. He escaped into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Holy fuck. He leaned on the sink, squeezing its edges, he was panting and shaking and yes, oh fuck, he was hard. He could see it in the mirror, the imprint of his cock, he was rock hard.

Even knocked on the door. The day of the bathroom police.

“I have spare toothbrushes in the cabinet under the sink.”

Isak looked down. He opened the door. Yes. Toothbrushes, cheap ones, single packed. The notorious slut was prepared for anything. Isak took one and brushed his teeth, three times. He gurgled with mouthwash. He rinsed his mouth with water and spit in the sink. The garlic was mostly gone. But when he had ran out of things to do, the routine was over, he had time to be frightened again. Why had he cleaned away his last line of defense?

He knew the answer. The answer was waiting there, behind the bathroom’s closed door. Isak glanced at it, nervous. He couldn’t stay here for the rest of his life, he had to face Even sometimes. He had to face him.

Isak cracked the door carefully. Even wasn’t stalking right behind it, thank god, he had once again thrown himself carelessly and effortlessly sexy on the armchair. Isak swallowed slowly.

“How slutty are you?”

Even raised his eyebrows and laughed.

“Excuse me?”

“You said you’re a slut. You have spare toothbrushes in your bathroom. How slutty would you describe yourself being?” Isak was awkwardly aware of how blushed he was. But he had to ask if he wanted to know.

“What’s the scale?”

Isak blinked. He had no idea how sluttiness was measured.

“Like yesterday. Does that happen often?”

“Making breakfast or having sex?”

Isak looked at the floor. It was easier than looking at Even, though that also meant that he couldn’t keep an eye on him.

“I don’t know, both?”

“No and yes.”

Isak looked up at Even. He didn’t make breakfast often. Isak was special.

“How often?”

Even tilted his head. He looked amused and sort of curious. Not offended, that was good.

“I don’t have it on my daily to-do list or anything. But on average, I suppose daily?”

Daily. On average. So some days none and some days..more than once. Isak had to gasp to be able to breathe.

“Are you a sex addict or something?”

Even smiled. He was still amused.

“I just like it. I’m good at it and I like it, that’s all.”

Isak nodded. Barely. Okay. Even was good at sex and liked it. His knees felt a bit weak, he leaned his back on the bathroom door.

“Aren’t you. Ashamed?”

Now Even’s smile started to wither. A small wrinkle appeared between his eyebrows.

“No? Should I be?”

Isak shook his head. And nodded. And then shrugged, pressing his eyes on the floor again. He had no answer to give to Even, because that’d mean he’d have one for himself, and he didn’t.

“I’m sorry.”

“You brushed your teeth for me.”

Isak looked up again. Even had stood up. How did he move so silently?

“What?”

“Right now. You brushed your teeth in there. Thoroughly. Why?”

“I -- I -- I.” Isak didn’t know what to say. Why had he brushed them? He tried to back up, away from Even who was coming towards him, but his back was against the door.

“Do you want to fuck?”

Isak gasped, eyes wide. How could Even throw something like that around so carelessly?

“No!”

Even looked down at Isak’s crotch and smirked.

“Doesn’t look like it to me.”

Isak tried with his hand. He flinched when he felt how hard he was. He pressed his back harder against the door.

“Please..”

Even brushed his lower lip with his thumb. Isak really, really wanted to catch it in his mouth. He was shaking again. He was always shaking near Even’s gravity.

“Here we are again, Isak”, Even said. His voice was low, a bit dark, a bit soft. His thigh touched Isak’s thigh, he flinched again. “How far do you dare go this time?”

Was that. Was that a challenge Isak saw in Even’s eyes? He was challenging him, daring him. Fuck.

“I can’t.”

“Isak, don’t toy with me. You can’t do that to anyone, sluts included.”

“Even please, I don’t --” Isak gasped again. Even’s thigh touched his bulge. He felt his body turn into a withering mass, he felt the hunger grow stronger.

“I don’t want you to come here again before you’re ready to take the next step, Isak.” Even was speaking in whispers now, his lips almost brushing against Isak’s ear. He pressed his thigh closer and made Isak whimper. “Do you understand what I mean with that?”

Isak shook his head. He didn’t know. He was sorry but he didn’t know.

“I don’t know why you’re so fucking scared of me, but I can’t have you here being terrified all the time. Please, next time you come here - and I do hope that’s soon, my lovely Isak - be prepared to have sex with me.”

Isak tensed up. Have sex. Even wanted to have sex with him. His lovely Isak.

“I don’t even know how”, Isak managed to whisper. “How do you have sex with guys?”

Even smiled.

“Very, very, very good.” But he saw the panic in Isak’s face and his eyes softened a bit. “I just want to make you come. And that you make me come. That’s all there is to it. Do you think you can manage that?”

Isak shook his head. No. He could not, not now, not ever. Even wanted to make him come. He wanted to make his lovely Isak come and make him breakfast. When Even stepped back the air in the room hit Isak’s body like a pressure wave. It felt cold.

“Then please leave, Isak. We can text but I can’t see you like this before you let me touch you.”

Isak wanted to curl up on the floor and cry. But he couldn’t. Even didn’t want to see him here. He scuttered to get his bag and practically ran out the door.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tags: Medical Conditions, Hospitalization, Starvation, Substance Abuse
> 
> Don't get too scared, Isak is basically okay and will be released next morning.

Isak had no choice. He had to call him. He was too upset and too terrified and he just needed him right now.

“Yo bro, what up?”

Hearing Jonas’ voice made Isak tear up. Fuck. Fuck. He couldn’t do this. He had to do this.

“I can hear you breathing. Are you having a panic attack?”

Wait, did Jonas know he had panic attacks? Of course he did. He was Jonas, he knew fucking everything but the worst part.

“I don’t think so.” His voice was a raspy heave, but at least he had one. “Jonas I --”

“Where are you? I’m coming.”

“No. Please don’t. I just want to talk for a bit okay?” Isak could not, absolutely not, see Jonas now. Not when he wasn’t in control of his body. Or of anything else really.

“Sure. What about?”

“Anything. Please.” He just wanted to hear Jonas’ voice and talk about some shit and calm himself down. He was walking down the street, back to Kollektivet, he wanted to crawl into his basement hole and die there for a while. He hoped Eskild was home already.

“Well. Mom dragged me by force to go shopping for new sneakers yesterday. She had been complaining about my shoes for months now. It was torture. I picked a pair I liked and then tried on a hundred more before she agreed to buy the pair I had first wanted.” Jonas chuckled. He ignored Isak’s heaving breathing and the occasional sniffle. They had done this before and Jonas was the best bro a guy could ever ask for. And Isak would not throw that away.

They talked - well, Jonas talked and Isak mostly listened - all the way. At the building’s door Isak stopped and sighed.

“I’m home now. I should go.”

“Isak I know you don’t want to talk about it but how is home these days? How’s your parents?”

“I should go.”

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow at school?”

“Def.”

They said goodbye and Isak cut the call. Then he tried calling Eskild. He was home, he picked up and told Isak that the door should be open now, he had checked it earlier and unlocked it. Isak stepped inside the building and walked to the basement door, and yes, it opened. He left Eskild alone and retreated into his cave. He fished out a pill from his bag and let it melt in his mouth. He just wanted to fucking sleep for a while.

About three hours later Isak woke up to his hunger. His stomach was growling so hard it penetrated his restless dreams and woke him up. He took a bag of noodles and ate them as they were, no garlic this time, and drank two bottles of water to fill up his stomach. That helped significantly, but he was now wide awake in the middle of the night. On a school night, and shit, he hadn’t done his homework. Might as well get to it then, he thought, and took out his textbooks, pencil case and notepad. This would definitely help him fall asleep as well.

His mind kept wandering. He thought about his quarters. And about the people who had inhabited it before him. The girls and boys and neither, who had been hiding in here so often that Eskild had developed an actual routine for their maintenance. He thought about the number he still had in his pocket. A haven for rainbow youth. Who weren’t safe at home. That hit so close that Isak had to stop thinking about anything for a second, he just grabbed his finger and twisted it up towards the back of his palm until the pain was all he could think of. He lingered there for one two three seconds and let go. It helped. He could focus.

He had wasted two days already. He had a week, and beside school and theatre he had to find himself a place to stay. His time was running out and he had done nothing useful. Just fantasized about nasty things and nurtured his inner darkness. That had to stop. He had to take charge again. It was true, he wasn’t safe at home, hadn’t been in years. But he also wasn’t there anymore. He was out, he was free, and he was royally screwed but he was on his way out. That meant something. All he needed was a battle plan.

He couldn’t think of one. The days slipped through his fingers no matter how far back he bent them. They kind of melted together as well, time passing was reduced to water bottles magically filling themselves on the basement floor, to burning taste of garlic and the crackling saltiness of uncooked noodles. The after school cheeseburgers hadn’t survived the weekend, and Isak did not ask about them. With his diet of noodles he had managed to save up enough money to stock up on his meds. He couldn’t sleep without them and sleep was the only time he could be kind of at peace. He could sleep hungry if he took two.

He also couldn’t stop thinking about Even. He had tried texting him, but he didn’t send any of his messages. He would lay on his side, curled up into a ball, in his nest in the dark and just think about Even. The hunger Even made him feel made him forget about his other hunger, it filled him and consumed him. His time was running out and all he could think about was Even, how every second passing made it more likely that he met someone else, someone who he would keep. The list of nominees most certainly grew constantly.

Isak stood by Even’s house and looked up at the window that might have been his. Or maybe the windows were on the courtyard side, he didn’t remember. He hadn’t paid attention. This was it, he thought, this was the day. He would lose his virginity. He would give it to Even and Even would take him in or kick him out and either way he’d be able to think about something else, anything else.

The thought both terrified and tickled him. He would have sex soon. He would have actual, real sex, with a person. He wouldn’t be the last - well, to be honest, everyone expected that Magnus would definitely be the last - of the squad to finally do it. But his triumph was pale and worthless, he couldn’t gloat with it to anyone. Well, maybe Jonas. Maybe. The thought of talking about this with him made Isak feel a bit sick to his stomach. Sure, he knew that the messages hadn’t been from Jonas, but that didn’t help much with the pain in his gut, the instinctive reaction. Telling Jonas had made him hurt really fucking bad. He knew it was unnecessary, but he feared telling him again.

But he would know. He himself would know what he had done and with whom, and maybe Even would let him stay the night, maybe he would cook him some breakfast again. He was, after all, special. His lovely Isak.

He sent Even a message. It read simply: I am here.

When the lights turned on in the staircase Isak slipped a pill on his tongue. He had taken two last night so he could sleep, but he needed one now to calm himself down. He had to do this. He wanted to do this, more than half of him was dying to do this, to finally feel Even’s body against his and succumb to him completely. That half was mostly body.

Even opened the door. Isak stepped inside and was immediately pulled against Even. He was shaking, but just a little bit. Even was testing him, and he had decided to pass that test. So when Even kissed him he returned the kiss, when he felt Even’s tongue against his lips he opened them and let him in. Even rubbed his tongue with his, Isak could taste his lust, it mixed with his own need and fear and the slight bitterness still barely on his tongue.

The kiss left Isak short of breath. The lights had turned off during it, they stood in the near darkness, bodies against each other. Even stroked his cheek gently.

“I knew you’d come.”

“I had to.”

They kissed again. Isak was surprised by how okay he was with that. Even was a great kisser and he had kissed him before, many times, this was technically not much different from that. He still felt a bit dizzy, and a bit detached, but he was okay. Kind of. Okay enough. And when Even kissed him like that his assertiveness kind of trickled into him as well. Even, the sex god among men, wanted him, this much. It felt good. It made him feel worth something. Like a prize.

Even kept kissing him all the way up to his apartment. Isak was happy about that. His kisses felt amazing, they made him feel amazing, Even tasted so fucking good and all that kissing left him no time to start panicking about what would be happening soon. He could focus, he focused on Even, only on him, his scent, his touches, his lips. Oh god, his lips.

Inside the apartment Even pressed Isak’s back against the door. Isak could feel how hard Even was, how hard he was himself, pressing against Even’s thigh.

“You’ve lost weight”, Even mumbled on his mouth. Isak blushed. Even noticed.

“Do you like it?”

Even stepped back a bit. He looked at Isak’s body. He pressed his hands against it, on his sides, he felt along Isak’s ribs which had, admittedly, started to be more defined than before.

“It’s borderline worrying, to be honest.”

Isak closed his eyes. He could sense the discussion coming, the questions were hanging in the air like knives over his head. He had to stop Even.

“If you don’t like it anymore I can take it away right now.”

Even smiled and pressed back against him.

“Don’t you dare. My lovely tease.”

Even kissed him again. Good. He was safe for now, no questions asked, no answers demanded. Isak had got the hang of kissing Even by now, and when he wrapped his arms around Even he felt him shiver. Or maybe it was Isak himself, or them both. His head was spinning again. He was grinding his hard imprint against Even’s thigh, demanding, he wanted this, he wanted this and he was medicated enough to actually go through with this. His head was light, his heart was fluttering, his chest was aching.

The ache got stronger. It turned into a sharp pain. Isak had to pull out of the kiss to keep breathing, he was gasping for air but it didn’t seem to help. His heart was racing but it felt useless. Something was wrong. Something was happening. He grabbed Even’s clothes to keep upright, but he just ended up pulling them both down on the floor.

“Isak? Are you okay?”

He couldn’t answer. He was too busy dying. Even asked if this was a panic attack but he couldn’t answer that either, he was drifting away. Even was drifting away from him, he heard his voice from far far away, as an echo. Ambulance, ulance, lance.

The next time Isak was actually conscious he was at the hospital. His head felt heavy and light at the same time, his thoughts fluttered around like startled moths but his head weighed so much he couldn’t move it. His body was the same. His eyelids, those he could move, barely. Isak tried to look around, to comprehend, where he was and what had happened. He had a tube attached to his hand, a needle through the skin and inside the vein. Isak tried moving his fingers. They worked.

He must have dozed off again because he woke up when someone entered the room. It was a nurse. He was kind of hot, Isak thought, lightheaded still. He was told something about his heartbeat being irregular but he didn’t really listen. He just wanted to sleep some more. He told them to call Eskild when they asked who could escort him home after he was released and closed his eyes again. He just wanted to sleep.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double day! This is a bit short, but I gave you an update already.

Isak was discharged the next morning. Eskild had come to pick him up. Isak had headed for the basement when they came to the house but Eskild wouldn’t have it, he dragged him upstairs with him. Isak had fallen into a bed ready made for him on the living room couch and curled into sleep again. His electrolyte balance had been adjusted close to normal again at the hospital, but he was still exhausted after his ordeal.

Heart arrhythmia, he had been told, probably when he had first woken up and forgotten about and then again that morning. His diet of too little food and too much water combined with his stress levels, his lack of sleep and his substance abuse had given him an incident of irregular heartbeat, and he had been lucky that it wasn’t worse and that he wasn’t alone when it had happened. That he hadn’t hurt himself when he had passed out. He had been both scared and ashamed, so fucking much. Eskild had been with him, by his request, he didn’t trust he’d remember all he’d been told. Isak had took his hand and Eskild had let him. But he hadn’t grabbed Isak’s hand back.

Isak woke up to smell of food. Actual proper food, fried fish maybe..yes, definitely that. Pan fried salmon. He opened his eyes and kept sniffing. Someone was in the kitchen, cooking. Isak’s mouth was watering, his stomach was growling, it smelled so good. So when Eskild appeared into the living room and told him that lunch was ready he sat up so fast that he had to lie back down for a moment before trying again.

He managed to drag himself into the kitchen. Eskild had plated up a small portion of boiled potatoes and fried salmon, with a buttered slice of bread on the side.

“I know you must be famished but I don’t want you to get nauseous. So take it easy first, okay? I’ll make you more later.”

Isak sat down and ate. He tried to pace himself, he forced himself to cut up the potatoes and the fish in tiny mouthfuls and chew them properly before swallowing. It tasted amazing. He had never eaten anything that tasted that good. Eskild just sat there, opposite him, watching him eat, and when he was done he took the dishes to the sink. He opened a cupboard and walked to Isak, placing a handful of empty noodle packets on the table in front of him.

“I found these in the basement. Please tell me you have eaten something else too.”

Isak blushed. He wanted to but couldn’t. It would have been lying.

“Noodles, water and pills, Isak. Seriously?”

Isak didn’t say anything. He sat there, staring at the trash on the table. He could smell the garlic from the oil pouches. It made him kind of hungry again.

“You almost gave yourself a heart failure! Fuck!” Eskild was mad. He was so mad, and he was a fucking saint for keeping his composure as much as he managed to keep it. Isak looked at Eskild’s hands. They were clenched and shaking. He shrank in his chair. He had never been hit, but he knew when it was on the table.

“I’m sorry”, he peeped. “I didn’t know.”

“I don’t want to yell at you”, Eskild said. “It’s just really hard not to. You have been so incredibly thoughtless and you could have  _ died. _ ”

Isak nodded. Barely. He could have died. He wasn’t a hundred percent sure it would’ve been a bad thing. Maybe.

“You would rather die than have to admit to anyone that you’re into guys.” Eskild sounded devastated. Defeated, furious and powerless all in one. His voice broke Isak’s heart more than the things he said. “Being gay, being openly gay, is worse than death to you. And you’re not the only one and that’s just so fucking FUCKED UP. Fuck!”

Eskild was yelling again. Isak shrunk further. He was barely still sitting on the chair, halfway under the table. He kept looking at Eskild’s shaking hands. He kind of wished he would have hit him.

“I’m not --”

“Fuck, Isak, your  _ boyfriend _ stayed at the hospital all night with you.” Eskild kept talking but Isak stopped listening. Boyfriend. His boyfriend, that had to be Even. Was Even his boyfriend? That thought felt scary. And warm.

“I can’t do this now. I’m sorry sweetie, I must..I must go. I’ll return in time to feed you again.” Eskild marched to his shoes and pulled them on. He took his jacket, phone and keys and slammed the door as he left. Isak flinched at the sound and let gravity finally pull him under the table. Boyfriend. Boyfriend?

Isak crawled out from under the table. He took his bag and put on his shoes and left. He went down to the basement, opened the padlock and packed his things into the backpack. He could barely lift it but once he had it on his back he could carry it. He wavered just a bit as he stood at the threshold and fiddled with his phone. He sent the message, hoping he would be home.

Even helped Isak take the backpack off. He put it on the floor and looked at Isak, visibly worried.

“How are you feeling?”

“Hungry”, Isak sighed. “Did they tell you anything at the hospital?”

Even shook his head.

“Nothing. Not even when I told them I was your boyfriend.”

There it was again. Boyfriend. Even was his boyfriend. It made his heart flutter again but not like last time, this time it was hopeful and happy. Boyfriend. His boyfriend, beautiful Even.

“What would you like to eat?”

“Anything, really. I’m starving.”

Even looked a bit puzzled, like he had sensed that there was something bigger at play, but he decided to wait. He just nodded and went to raid the fridge. Fifteen minutes later Isak had a plate of food in front of him. Pasta with oil and spices and fried ham, it smelled amazing. His boyfriend was a great cook. Lucky Isak.

Try as he might, he couldn’t finish the whole plate. He ate a bit over half and then started feeling so sick that he had to lay down on the couch, on his side. His phone buzzed again. Jonas had been bombarding him with messages all day. He was worried because Isak hadn’t showed up for school. Isak had no answers to give him.

“What’s with the backpack?”

Isak opened his eyes and looked at Even. He was sitting in the armchair, looking at Isak. What was with the backpack.

“My parents kicked me out for stealing from them. I have no place to go.” But maybe his boyfriend could take him in for now? Maybe? Isak looked at him, hopeful.

“Shit, that’s fucked up. Aren’t you still in school? They can’t kick you out like that, they have to take care of you.”

Isak flinched.

“No. I can’t go back. I’d rather stay in Eskild’s basement for another week if he’ll just let me.”

“What? You’ve been living in a basement for a week?”

Isak nodded. Yes. He had. And admitting it didn’t feel as bad as he had thought.

“That’s why I ended up in the hospital. I’ve been eating nothing but noodles and pills all week and. I don’t know, my heart couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Your  _ heart _ ?” Even sounded horrified.

“It’s okay. It was just some irregular heartbeat, I’m fine now.”

“Except living in a basement and eating noodles and pills?”

Isak blushed. He didn’t know. He had no idea where he would stay and what he would eat. But he had hoped..he had brought his backpack.

“Could I stay here for a while? Just until I find someplace else.”

Maybe Even felt sorry for him. Or maybe he really cared. He was his boyfriend, after all, Isak still wasn’t sure what that actually meant or made him but still, Even was his boyfriend. He would take care of his lovely Isak, wouldn’t he?

Even nodded.

“Of course. That couch opens into a bed.”

Isak was a bit disappointed. But, he thought, maybe it was for the best that he slept in a separate room. The hunger was still there, unsatisfied, unfed. But he was nauseous and exhausted and it was for the best to let his heart rest for a couple of days anyway, the doctors had said. No risqué business. So he nodded, grateful.

“I’d love to hear more about your situation”, Even said. “Would you please tell me? Or are you too tired?”

Isak thought about it. He wanted to say he was tired. But he wanted to tell. He’d been aching to tell someone, and who would he tell if not his boyfriend?

“I’m okay. I can tell. But it’s a long story.”

“I have time.”

Isak nodded. He had trouble figuring out how to start, but when he did, the words just flowed out of him. The years of loneliness in a house void of love, his parents’ fights, his hungry days, his punishments, his stealing, his stash, everything. He told Even everything but was careful to leave out all the dirty and all the ways he’d used to keep himself in check. Even didn’t want to know about his fantasies of his best friend or the cuts on his inner thigh. They were his.

At some point Even had moved to the couch and taken Isak’s head resting on his lap. It felt so good. Even smelled so good, and his fingers were so gentle in his hair. Isak spoke and spoke and spoke, and when he finished he was hoarse and deflated. All that time Even had stayed silent, let him speak. And when he was done Even bowed down and kissed his forehead.

“You poor sweet boy”, he said, quietly. “It’s over now. You’re safe.”

Isak settled more comfortably in his boyfriend’s lap and closed his eyes. Even was right. He was safe.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing before you go.
> 
> In this chapter Isak will do sexual things with Even that he is not ready for. It is made clear he is not ready, except for Even. Even has no idea something is off.
> 
> This is possibly, if not likely, triggering content. Please be safe.
> 
> Added tag: Hand Jobs

Life was starting to feel okay again. Isak had finally got on stage to try acting and his head was buzzing with ideas for his portrayal of Adam. Even had made him dinner and breakfast and lunch and everything had been absolutely delicious. During and after lunch they had talked about the play, analyzed it together, Even had helped Isak rehearse Adam’s first scene patiently. Isak had really wanted to kiss Even all day but he had to think about his heart, be careful of getting too worked up.

It made perfect sense that Isak should stay home when Even went clubbing. It was Saturday night and Even loved to dance, he had probably made plans with his friends ages ago, so Isak didn’t say anything when Even told him he’d be going out. He had made dinner in advance so Isak could just heat it up in the oven when he got hungry. Isak was sitting on the couch fondling his phone - he really, really needed to work up the courage to reply to both Jonas and Eskild - and watching Even get ready.

Isak had no idea how Even had got inside his skinny ripped jeans. They were so tight that Isak kind of feared they’d fall apart from the slightest touch. They made Even’s ass look incredible and Isak’s cheeks turn red. The white, near translucent t-shirt was also very, very fitted. Isak was salivating when he watched Even play with his hair in front of the mirror. He had such a hot boyfriend. And the more he thought about it, the more okay he was with that thought.

“Don’t wait up for me, okay?” Even was looking at Isak through the mirror. Isak nodded. He wouldn’t. He was still a bit tired constantly. He missed his pills but he would try sleeping without them. His heart nearly failing had scared him enough for that.

Isak stared at Even’s ass when he tied the laces of his sneakers. It was incredible. He could not wait to get better and be able to see it naked. Even was so good to him, he was a slut and he hadn’t made any moves towards Isak who needed his rest. No wonder he needed to go out tonight, to dance out the built up energy.

“I hope I’m feeling normal by tomorrow night”, Isak said, a bit shyly. Even hummed something and stood up. He grabbed his card walled and shoved it in his pocket.

“My phone won’t fit these jeans. The battery is almost out anyway. Just let it die, I’ll charge it tomorrow.”

Isak nodded. He was a bit sorry that he couldn’t message Even but then again he had plenty of other messages to send now. As soon as Even left he’d get started with those.

“Dinner is in the fridge. I wrote the directions on the foil. Try not to burn down the house, okay?”

Isak laughed a bit. He had told Even he couldn’t cook to save his life, and Even remembered that. He was so thoughtful.

“I’ll try. Promise.” Isak had stars in his eyes when he smiled at Even. He missed him already. It felt incredible, finally allowing himself to miss him. He knew it wouldn’t last, but he hoped it would.

The apartment felt a couple of degrees colder as soon as Even had left. The phone was heavier in Isak’s hand. He had to. He had promised himself he would. He started with the easier one. He wrote a message to Eskild, saying that he was okay, he was with his boyfriend at his place and he was tired but fed and sober. And that he would now block Eskild’s number temporarily. Which he did, right after sending the message. Done. Now, the harder one.

Isak  
I’m sorry  
I’m okay now

Jonas  
DUDE  
wtf???

Isak  
Just listen ok?

Jonas is typing  
Jonas is typing  
Jonas is typing

Jonas  
Ok

Isak  
Mom kicked me out  
I lived in this guy’s basement for a week

Jonas calling

Ignore

Isak  
Please let me finish  
Promise

Jonas  
Promise

Isak  
I was at the hospital yesterday. I’m okay now.  
Irregular heartbeat because starving and pills

Jonas calling

Ignore

Isak  
DUDE

Jonas  
Sorry. Go on.

Isak  
I have a boyfriend now  
His name is Even  
He’s the one I kissed

Jonas  
I will keep calling until you pick up

Isak  
Call me tomorrow, ok?  
I should rest now

Jonas  
Ok  
Can I tell the guys?

Isak  
NO

Jonas  
Chill  
I won’t

Isak  
Thanks  
Have a good night

Isak put his phone on silent mode and on the coffee table. He was shaking. He had told Jonas he had a boyfriend. He had expected..something. Anything. But Jonas acted like there was nothing to it. He probably just didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But that was also a good thing - Jonas was willing to ignore his having a boyfriend because he wanted to be able to stay friends with him. He could still trust Jonas. His bro. He had a bro, and he had a boyfriend, and for the first time in forever Isak didn’t feel lonely.

That feeling didn’t last. Around midnight Isak finally gave up and warmed up the dinner just for himself. He thought it’d make him feel better, but it only made him feel more sad and alone. Eating alone. Even’s caring radiating from the tinfoil package helped significantly, but when he had finished eating it was gone and he was alone again. Even’s phone had died a couple of hours ago. Isak had tried to sleep but he didn’t want to turn off the lights, in case Even came home he wanted him to see where he was going. To see that he was here and waiting for him.

Isak woke up in the morning when he heard someone close the door very silently. He had fallen asleep sitting up on the couch, maybe two hours or so ago. The sun had already risen, the room would soon be filled with light. Isak yawned and rubbed his eyes.

“Mmh. Sorry, I fell asleep.”

Even went to the kitchen.

“You waited up for me? I told you you didn’t have to, silly.”

Isak got up and went to Even. He stopped at the kitchen doorway. Even was leaning back against the counter, drinking juice straight from the carton. His neck was covered in purple bruises. Hickeys, Isak counted at least five of them. For some reason they made him feel really small. Isak couldn’t take his eyes away from the shades of purple and blue against Even’s pale skin.

“You were out all night?”

Even grinned.

“Well, I had been at the club for a couple of hours when I met this little firecracker. I spent the night at his place, I thought I’d let you sleep.”

Isak nodded slowly. Okay. Even wanted to let him sleep, let his heart rest. It was okay. Even had his needs, Isak couldn’t expect him to just suddenly ignore them. Especially since Isak would probably be quite bad at sex anyway.

So he smiled.

“That’s very thoughtful of you. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” Even emptied the juice carton and put it in the trash. His ass looked phenomenal. The sight of it made Isak blush.

“I’m starving. Would you like some breakfast?”

Isak wasn’t feeling hungry at all. His stomach had curled up into a tight knot. He couldn’t stop looking at Even’s hickeys. The bruises on Even’s neck felt like stabs into Isak’s gut, and there was no reason for that. He had to get himself together or Even would think he was some jealous bitch who not only didn’t put out but didn’t want Even to get it anywhere else either.

“Sure. I love your cooking.”

Even turned the radio on. Isak went to the bathroom. He looked at his image on the mirror, the pale skin, the dark circles under his eyes, the emptiness in his eyes. He looked like a fucking corpse. Even liked firecrackers. If he wanted to keep his boyfriend, he would have to sparkle and burn.

 

Isak had been nervous and fidgety all night. It was a miracle that he hadn’t driven Even insane with his restlessness that had started the minute he had gotten back from rehearsal. He was late, Jonas had called before he had left the theatre, and they had talked for almost an hour. Now Jonas knew that Isak had lost a home and was now living with his boyfriend, and that his heart was a bit tired but otherwise alright, and that he was now eating and sleeping properly and that none of his ordeals had been Jonas’ fault. Jonas had made him promise to tell him if anything, anything at all, was ever bothering him again.

Of course Isak had lied. He couldn’t tell Jonas about his predicament. About his lack of sparkle and fire that drove Even to other people, other beds. About how fucking scared he was by the thought of having sex with Even, but how certain he was he would have to do it anyhow. He wanted to keep his boyfriend. He had to make this happen, and he could. He would.

It didn’t help that a part of him wanted it so much. Wanted him. Isak wanted to get Even naked all the time, naked and having sex and he didn’t even know how guys did it. He knew about the basic principle, the peg and the hole, but otherwise he had no idea. He was so worried he might disappoint Even.

Then he had figured it out. His heart. He couldn’t go all the way and do too much, right? He had to take it slow, right? So maybe he could just, like, touch Even with his hand and make him come, let Even make him come, that’s all there was to it. He could manage that.

After going to the bathroom for the third time in the hour - he just looked at himself there, willing himself, psyching himself to sparkle - Isak didn’t walk back to the couch but to the armchair. To Even. He just kind of stood there, looking at him. Even looked up into his eyes, raising his eyebrow. Isak nodded. Even raised his other eyebrow. Isak nodded again and bent down to press his lips on Even’s.

Even tasted amazing. His lips were so soft and warm. He could do this, Isak thought, he totally could. He wanted to. Mostly. Just make Even come, make him come, nothing to it. It wouldn’t really count as sex anyway, would it, when no dick was going inside anything. This was not his first time, this was something that happened before that. Like a dress rehearsal. Isak’s mind was racing but when he felt Even wrap his arms around him and pull him onto his lap all thoughts just sort of vanished from his head. All there was left was the hunger.

It felt so dirty. Sitting there, straddling Even’s thighs, his knees on the armchair’s seat on both sides of Even’s legs. Isak felt Even’s thighs against his ass and the back of his thighs, Even’s hips almost touching his, their hard dicks almost touching, almost..Even grabbed his ass and pulled his hips closer, Isak moaned into his mouth. Fuck. He was shaking all over. He hoped it looked like sparkles.

Isak could feel how hard Even was against him. He felt Even shiver in heat and anticipation. He had made Even wait for this, wait for a long time. He was a bit worried that he wouldn’t be worth the wait, but for now everything seemed to be going alright. Even seemed happy. Isak rocked his hips a bit, testing, he felt their dicks grind against each other and moaned again, louder. He was dripping already, he could feel it in his boxers, what if Even thought that was nasty or dirty or disgusting?

He was about to find out. Even let go of his ass and unbuttoned his jeans. Isak held his breath, frozen, when Even pushed his hand inside.

“Fucking yeah”, Even whispered, grinning. Oh god thank you Even liked it. Isak could breathe again, in a long shivering sigh. That sigh turned into sharp little gasps when Even rubbed him through his boxers. “Am I the first one to touch you like this?”

Isak nodded. He had closed his eyes, he was blushing fiercely, he was somehow turned on and ashamed and terrified all at once. He hoped Even wouldn’t ask if he was ready for this. He wasn’t sure if he could lie credibly enough if he had to speak. Now he could let his body do the talking. He grabbed Even’s face and kissed him again so he couldn’t ask.

The kiss stumbled and fell when Even pushed his hand inside Isak’s boxers. His long beautiful fingers wrapped around Isak’s hard throbbing cock and Isak could hear the wetness when Even moved his hand. He was clinging to Even, arms wrapped around him, his hips rocking, his ass grinding on Even’s thighs. He looked at Even, eyes wide with terror and something else, amazement maybe, and the way Even looked at him, focused and determined and pleased, made Isak lose it. He came, he came way too soon and way too hard, he made a serious mess inside his boxers and dug his fingernails in Even’s back.

Even pulled his hand out and brought his fingers to Isak’s lips. He had tasted himself before but now it was weird, it was embarrassing, he wanted to turn his head away but he didn’t. He let Even push his fingers into his mouth and wipe them clean against his tongue and lips.

It was Even’s turn. Isak swallowed. He could taste himself, only himself, his mouth was filled with his flavour but still it was like he could detect a hint of metal. A bit of cold. But he had to do this, if he would let Even make him come and not return the favour he’d be even worse than a tease that he had been this far. Crackle, firecracker, sparkle and burn.

Isak opened Even’s jeans. He didn’t want to take it out, he wasn’t ready to see it, he was afraid it would frighten him or something. He pushed his hand inside blind, pushing his spine back, bending so he could rest his forehead on Even’s shoulder. He didn’t want to see anything now. He just wanted to smell Even, to feel him in his hand, he wrapped his fingers around another guy’s dick for the first time in his life. His hand was shaking, he had to start moving it in fast hungry strokes to hide it.

He had no idea how long it took for Even to come. He just kept pumping and pumping, jerking him off, he was panting himself and his arm was soon tired and sore. He kept going, going, faster, harder, oh please Even just come already, please, please come. He let go the second he felt Even shoot his load out, he pulled his hand away and pulled it against his chest. Even let him stay there, leaning on him, he stroked his back slowly and told him he was beautiful.

Isak had never been so happy in his life. And never so sick to his stomach.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Added tag: Implied Suicide Attempt

It didn’t matter how many times Jonas had tried to convince Isak that he should just tell the guys. He really wanted to, honest, he wanted to tell the whole world that he had a boyfriend now, and they had had sex and it had been amazing and he was now a man, finally a man and not a constantly scared little boy. Sure, they had only had sex once and not like  _ sex _ sex. Even hadn’t made any advances after that and they still slept separately, but Isak respected it that Even wanted to take things slow with him. Maybe he was Even’s first serious boyfriend as well. It was all still so new to them both.

Jonas had finally dragged Isak out with Magnus and Mahdi. They’d been throwing a frisbee around at a park and were now sitting at a table. Well, Mahdi and Isak were sitting on the table, facing Jonas and Magnus sitting on the bench. Jonas kept sending Isak signals with his eyebrows and finally Isak just gave up. He let it slip in the conversation, mentioned casually something about his boyfriend, and waited if anyone caught on.

“Yeah, that’s what I was just saying”, Magnus said. “You just -- wait, what did you say?”

Isak looked at his shoes. Jonas tapped them with his finger. Fine. Isak took a deep breath.

“I have a boyfriend.”

Isak flinched when Mahdi’s hand appeared in his peripheral vision. Then he realized he was being offered a high five. He didn’t leave Mahdi hanging.

“Nice!”

Wait, what? Nice? Isak looked up at Magnus who was absolutely beaming.

“What’s his name? How old is he? What does he do? How did you guys meet?”

This had not gone like Isak had expected it to. He rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged.

“His name is Even, he’s 21 and he works at KB. You know, he’s with the Balloon Squad.”

“Ooh, he’s HOT. Like a nine and a half!”

Isak stared at Magnus. So did Jonas and Mahdi. Magnus was always enthusiastic about practically everything but this time he had sounded a bit more so than necessary.

“What? A guy can say that about a guy!”

“Uhhhh not really no”, Mahdi said. Isak and Jonas nodded.

“Wait, so you guys don’t rank dudes in your head?”

“I have a boyfriend and even I don’t do that, dude”, Isak said. Magnus blushed. Jonas came to the rescue.

“What’s my rating then?”

Mahdi was immediately on board, demanding to hear his as well. Isak nodded too. Why not. Magnus obviously had an eye for this sort of thing, based on his rating for Even. It took some more convincing to get Magnus spill it but he finally did.

“Jonas is a seven.”

“A  _ seven _ , why just a seven?”

“Your eyebrows.”

Mahdi nodded.

“Magnus has a point there. Dude, you basically have just one, that’s gonna lower your score significantly.”

“You really should do something about them.”

Isak was laughing so hard he barely stayed on the table. The look on Jonas’ face was priceless.

“Mahdi is also a seven.”

It was Jonas’ turn to laugh. He raised his hand for a high five for Mahdi.

“Welcome to the club of Seven!”

Mahdi totally left Jonas hanging. Isak took his place and slapped his hand at Jonas’. Magnus protested immediately.

“Oh no, Isak you’re almost a nine!”

Isak stared at Magnus. What the fuck?

“A  _ nine _ seriously?” Magnus was nodding.

“Almost. You were an eight but scoring a nine and a half officially ups your ranking.”

Jonas and Mahdi agreed in unison. The scoring system was somewhat cumulative. Isak blushed, because he was an idiot.

“Myself I’m about a six”, Magnus said, shrugging.

“Based on what?”

“I’m scrawny, pasty, my mouth is too wide and I have a bad skin and greasy hair? I know why girls don’t like me.”

“Are you sure that’s not because you rate guys by their hotness?” Mahdi asked.

“Ha ha. I’m not gay, I’m just observant!”

“Isak”, Mahdi said, “you’re into guys. What’s Magnus’ rating?”

Isak shook his head.

“I don’t know! I don’t rate guys like that, I’m into  _ one _ guy and that’s more than enough for me.”

“Well I’d like to officially propose that I’ll be bumped up to seven and a half and Magnus can join the club of Sevens with Mahdi”, Jonas said.

“Proposition denied!” Mahdi howled.

Isak kind of zoned out. He had scored a nine and a half and he was an eight. He had never thought about his looks really, which was odd considering how much time he spent in front of the mirror. But he had always been focusing on what he didn’t want to show that he had basically ignored the things he did show. He kind of wanted to see his image right then but he would have to wait.

“Isak? Hello?”

Isak snapped out of his thoughts and saw the guys looking at him expectantly.

“Uh, what?”

“Are we going to Eva’s party Friday night?”

Isak shook his head.

“Sorry, can’t. I have other plans.” He had theatre practice so early on Saturday that he couldn't go out partying the night before. Plus he was kind of hoping to spend the night with Even. His boyfriend.

“What are you doing?” Magnus asked.

“A nine and a half!” Mahdi exclaimed and the guys laughed. Isak tried to laugh as well. He passed. Jonas saved him and changed the subject to Stranger Things. That worked like a charm, three seconds later Magnus and Mahdi were caught in a heated debate and Isak could take a breather. He nodded at Jonas, grateful, and Jonas flashed him a smile. His bro got his back. And he hadn’t slipped out that Jonas was totally a nine.

 

Isak took the razor blade from inside the lining of his bag. He sat there, on his knees on the floor, and just looked at it. Held it. Then he put it back into its hiding place. He had done the same every day for almost a week now. He just looked at the blade and put it away. He didn’t feel he needed to hurt himself. He didn’t need to fear about slipping or losing control, he had told Even almost all of his biggest secrets. And now he was ready to tell him the last one. He was ready to take their relationship to that next level, the level of total and complete trust.

“Hey”, Even said when he entered the apartment. He had gone to the store after his shift at KB, he took the bags of food with him to the kitchen. Isak came to the kitchen as well.

“Hi”, he said, quietly and a bit shy. He was nervous again. He had gotten used to Even and his presence during the week he had spent here, but now he was feeling restless once more. “Are you going out tonight?”

“Yep. Do you want to tag along?”

Isak blushed a bit. Even invited him with him. The week without heart failure had done its job to convince Even he was okay, fit enough to go clubbing. That meant he would believe Isak was ready for..other stuff as well.

“I thought we could stay in tonight. I have..I’d like to tell you something. And show you something and. Please?”

“Tell me what? Show what?”

Now Isak was blushing more than a bit.

“I want to show you my body. All of it.”

Even stopped unpacking the groceries. He turned to look directly at Isak.

“For real?”

Isak nodded. Yes. He really wanted to. He was ready. Even had waited and now that wait would pay off. Kind of. Isak was still sure he’d be really bad in bed. But he liked the glint of thirst he could see in Even’s eyes when he was looking at him. He was almost a nine now.

“Are you sure?”

Isak nodded again.

“No more secrets. I’m so sick and tired of keeping them.”

Even looked a bit puzzled but finally he nodded.

“Okay. I’m listening.”

Isak shook his head. He wasn’t ready yet. He was hungry. He needed all his strength for this.

“After dinner?”

Even grinned.

“Sure. I love cooking for such an appreciative audience.”

“I love your cooking.”

“I know. Now let me get to it, won’t you?”

Even turned the radio on and Isak left him be. He needed to prepare.

After dinner Isak looked at Even nervously.

“Could we. Do this in the bedroom?” Isak really, really hoped he could stay in Even’s bed afterwards, sleep with him. He needed that so much.

“Of course.” Even took Isak into his bedroom, for the first time. He had a huge bed, it dominated the space and looked really, really inviting. Isak asked Even to leave the lights on, he needed Even to see him. He needed to show himself to him. To give himself to him, his blackest secrets. He needed to confess.

“You’re the first person to see me naked since I was a kid. I have kept myself hidden on purpose.” Isak started to undress as he spoke. He started with his hoodie. He just dropped it on the floor at his feet and let Even see his naked upper body. His bare upper arms, with his tiger stripes traveling along their underside. Isak spread his arms and let Even see them all.

“I made these to remember I could not slip. I made these to stay in control. It worked. It worked for years.”

Isak shivered a bit. He felt cold. But he kept going, he turned around and showed Even his back. The rigged scars, superficial and old but visible.

“These I made when I fell in love with my best friend. I had to scratch him out of me by force but I did it.” Isak brushed at his thigh with his fingertips, at the three scars. His punishment.

Isak took his jeans off. He walked Even through his past on his skin, told him about the nights filled with terror, about how he had been just so full of everything he had to force himself to contain it all, hide it deeper. About his sins he had needed to atone for and forget. Even let him speak. He sat on the bed and let him speak, let him spill out all the blackness inside his heart.

Finally Isak took off his boxers. He was naked now, naked in front of Even, and he had never felt so bare. He walked to the bed and lifted his foot on it, turning his knee to the side. He showed Even his three scars on his inner thigh, his most secret ones.

“One for each time I came thinking about Jonas. I have touched them when I needed to remember how dirty I was.” His voice finally gave in and cracked. He looked at Even, at his beautiful boyfriend, and he tried not to cry. “I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I’m not. I’m not dirty, am I?”

“Absolutely not.” Even said it solemnly and with great emphasis. “Isak, my sweet boy, you are not dirty or wrong in any way.” Even reached out his hand and brushed at the three scars with his fingertips. It made Isak shiver. “Now it’s my turn.”

Isak was a bit puzzled. Even’s turn to do what? Even stood up and gave Isak a blanket to stay warm. Isak sat down on the bed and looked at Even undress. He looked incredible. Isak had never seen anything so beautiful in his life. But when Even ran his fingers along his skin and stopped at certain places Isak could see them. Old, old scars, almost faded, barely there. Isak felt like crying again.

“I was about your age. I just wanted to. I don’t know what I wanted, just stop? Stop being, stop existing. I almost succeeded.”

Isak nodded very slowly. He knew what Even was talking about. He knew about that despair. He didn’t say anything, he knew there was nothing to say. And that was long ago, Even was better now, right? Suddenly Isak realized why he couldn’t find any blades in Even’s bathroom.

Even got naked in front of Isak. It was nothing like Isak had imagined. He had imagined it being intense, overwhelming, maybe even scary, but it was none of those things. It was. It was delicate. They were being delicate with each other. Handling each other with care.

Isak watched Even go to his closet and take out a black toiletry bag. Even opened it and took out a plastic pill organizer. He brought it to Isak. It had five empty boxes and two with pills in them.

“I take these every morning. Every single day. They keep me somewhat in check. Well, mostly in check. And I try to make sure I follow my routines and eat enough and regularly, that helps too.”

Every day. Every single day, Even was taking pills every day and he was probably supposed to, not like Isak with his sedatives. Isak licked his lips slowly.

“What are they for?”

“I’m bipolar.”

“What does that mean?”

“Right now, not much. I haven’t had an episode in over a year now. I’m doing fine.”

Isak nodded again. Even said he was doing fine. Isak trusted him. He was taking his meds daily and he was fine.

“Thank you. For telling me.” Isak would have to look that up, but at least for now he could trust that Even was okay. All his scars were old and faded, he had no blades in the bathroom.

Even put the pills back where he had taken them and came to Isak. He sat down next to him, naked on his bed. Isak shivered again.

“You’re the first one I’ve told in years.”

Isak was special. He understood Even, maybe he was the only one he knew who actually got him, and that was why he was able to share his secret with him. Isak smiled, just a bit.

“I’m happy you did.”

Even placed his hand on Isak’s cheek. He looked Isak in the eye and Isak looked back. He wasn’t scared. He had no reason to. Even knew everything now and he had been accepted by him. So when Even reached in for a kiss Isak met him midway.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Added tags: Spooning, Dry Humping, More Like Wet Humping Amirite

It was a soft kiss. A gentle kiss, a delicate one. No tongues pushed anywhere, no moans, no grinding. Just a kiss, light as a feather. Isak was happy he was sitting down, because it sure made his knees weak. He smiled when it passed.

“You are not dirty”, Even said quietly. “You are beautiful and sweet.”

Isak blushed. Even thought he was beautiful. A nine, perhaps?

“You’re the most..I have never seen anything as beautiful as you.”

“I’m not always like this, Isak. This is me at my best.”

Isak trailed his fingers along Even’s collarbones. How could anyone be so perfect and still be his boyfriend? Isak was far from being at his best, he was very close to his worst. Had been for a while, but now it felt like maybe the tables had finally started to turn.

“You’re wonderful”, Isak whispered and kissed Even again. Lightly. Delicate. Even took the blanket and peeled it off Isak, gently, and they crawled onto the bed, their naked bodies finally touching, skin on skin, scars on scars. Isak had never felt so accepted.

If only he knew how to love. But he didn’t, he had no idea how that was done, there was just this fluttering semi-terrified feeling that flickered inside him. It wasn’t love. But it might grow into that, maybe? Some day? Isak adored his boyfriend, and he tried his very best to be a good boyfriend to him, but he did not know love. He hoped Even could manage without it for a while more. Maybe the pills would help with that too.

The way Even touched the scar on his shoulder blade made Isak flutter more intensely. Even broke the kiss and pulled back, he turned Isak on his stomach and leaned over him. Isak lied there, his eyes half closed, he could smell Even from the sheets under him and feel Even’s fingers draw the edges of his scars. Then Even kissed them. A thousand tiny kisses, along the scars, Isak pressed his palms hard against the bed. Even was healing him. That was what it felt like, healing. If Isak had looked in the mirror next morning and noticed all his scars were gone he wouldn’t have been surprised.

Even kissed them all. Each and every one of Isak’s scars got a soft, gentle kiss from him. When he was done with his back he moved to his tiger stripes, then down his arms, and his legs. He didn’t miss one. He didn’t miss even the ones Isak had himself forgotten by now. Even’s kisses ripped them open and cleansed them, each and every one. 

Isak turned over when Even asked him to. He was a bit worried about revealing his penis to him, his kisses might make it hard and it didn’t feel appropriate now, but he didn’t want Even to stop. So he just lied there and let Even kiss each of his scars, not missing one.

Even had left the three cuts on Isak’s inner thigh for the last. Isak was shivering when he had kissed all the others, and only them were left. Even’s fingers felt so gentle when they grabbed his thigh and moved it, Even spread Isak’s naked thighs and pressed his head between them. One, two, three kisses, Isak made a muffled moan for each one. Even stroked them with his thumb.

“Isak”, he said. “I want you to remember this whenever you touch these. You are good.” Even kissed the scars again. “You are right.” Another kiss. “You are worthy.” The final kiss lingered, just long enough to be noticeable. Isak felt tears rolling down the sides of his neck. He had no idea he was crying before that. Even rested his head on Isak’s thigh, looking at the scars, stroking them. “Okay?”

“Oh--okay.” Isak covered his eyes with his arm and whimpered. “Fuck..”

Even stroked his stomach softly.

“It’s okay, Isak. You’re safe. You’re good.”

Anyone, Isak thought. Anyone else could not have convinced him about that. He wasn’t completely sure that Even could, either, but he was pretty fucking close. Even laid there, his spine against Isak’s leg, his head resting on his thigh, near his hip, and kept stroking his scars. To his horror Isak realized he was starting to get hard.

“Shit! No!” Isak hissed. He slapped at his dick but that didn’t help, he tried to slap it again but Even slipped his hand in between, taking the blow.

“Isak? What are you doing?”

The proximity of Even’s hand, his breath touching Isak’s dick, made him go full on hard. Isak covered his mouth, mortified, he wanted to push Even away but he couldn’t give him up yet.

“I’m sorry..” Isak whimpered into his palm. “I didn’t mean it to.”

Even pulled his hand away and kissed Isak’s hip bone softly.

“Oh sweetie. It’s okay. It’s beautiful.”

Isak took a long, shivering breath. It’s okay. Even thinks it’s beautiful. It’s okay.

“Can I touch it?” Even asked. Isak wanted to say yes, he really did.

“No.”

“Okay.” Even scooted up along Isak’s body, keeping contact all the way, and laid down by his side. “Can I cuddle you?”

“Yes.”

Even wrapped his arms around Isak and pulled him closer. Their naked bodies were embracing each other, Even was breathing into Isak’s hair. That did not help with his hard on at all. But at the same time he felt so good. So, so good. He clinged to Even, on his skin, he drew Even’s light inside him to fill the emptiness the blackness had left when he had spilled it all over Even’s bedroom floor.

Even kissed his hair. Softly, so gently, just out of tenderness and nothing else. His slutty boyfriend was naked in his bed with him and just kissed his hair. Isak bathed in those kisses, one after another, and then he turned his face just a bit. Placed his forehead under those kisses, then his temple, his cheekbone, the corner of his lips. Even caught on, of course he did, he let Isak do all the moving and simply delivered him the kisses, which Isak finally caught with his lips.

They kissed like that, softly and carefully, for a long time. Even didn’t touch Isak in any other way than held him, close to him, close to his steadily beating heart. And with his lips, of course with his lovely lips. Isak really, really wished he knew what love was, he would have liked to say it to Even now.

“Can I touch you?” Isak asked, timidly. He didn’t want Even to touch him, but he could..maybe he could touch Even? He would like to.

“Anywhere you want to”, Even said. Isak blushed and buried his face into his armpit. He smelled so hot. He felt so good. Isak let Even turn on his back and propped himself up leaning on his elbow, so he could see what he was doing. His nine and a half, Isak thought and smiled a bit.

Even had an amazing body. If Magnus had seen Even naked he’d given him a ten, definitely. Everything looked incredible and his dick, which Isak only glanced at from the corner of his eye, coyly, it was..delicious. That was the best word Isak could find to describe it, it looked delicious. It made his mouth water.

Isak ran his fingers along Even’s chest. It was so smooth. He pressed his palm against it and stroked it, he let his fingertips barely brush at his nipples and looked, intrigued, at them harden. Even was breathing a bit heavier now, but he remained still.

“You feel really good”, Isak whispered. “I really like it.”

“And it’s okay to like it, Isak. I’m happy that you do.”

It was such an alien idea. That it was okay to like it. It was okay for Isak to like Even’s body. He could touch it, touch him like this, and he wouldn’t need to suffer afterwards. He didn’t have to hurt. It felt weird. It felt powerful. Isak kept glancing at Even’s dick, it was hard now, and it was proud and it was beautiful. He had held it in his hand once before. Isak let his hand move down, lower along Even’s chest, onto his stomach. He kept it there for a while, relaxed, it raised and lowered in the rhythm of Even’s breathing.

Isak rested his head on Even’s chest, looking down, at his hand, at the dick just below it. He stayed there for a long time. He could hear Even’s heartbeat under his ear, he could see his breathing in the movement of his hand. He could see his desire in his dick, it’s glistening tip. Even didn’t move. He didn’t speak, he let Isak take his time. They had all this time.

“I really want to touch it”, Isak said, quietly. “It’s beautiful.”

“You can if you want to. I promise you it won’t bite.”

Isak giggled nervously.

“That’s reassuring.”

Even put his fingers into Isak’s hair. He played with it, slowly, twirling. It gave Isak pleasant goosebumps on his neck.

“If you want to touch it and I want you to, why don’t you?”

Isak licked his lips. If he didn’t have an answer for Even would that mean he’d, like, have to touch it?

“If I don’t touch it do I have to go back to the couch?”

Even laughed, surprised.

“What?”

“You heard me.” Isak didn’t want to ask again. It was too embarrassing.

Even stroked his hair. His fingertips brushed at the back of his neck, at the hairline.

“Would you like to be the little spoon or the big spoon for the night?”

Isak thought about it. He would have loved to be held, but. He’d be trapped also, kind of?

“Big spoon.”

“Sure thing, sweetie. Let’s get ready for bed, then?”

Isak didn’t like the idea of letting go of Even, but he had to. And he got him back soon enough. Isak put his phone on the nightstand and laid down on his side. He crawled to Even and settled against his bare back. He smelled so great and felt so good, he was so smooth and warm and beautiful that Isak almost wanted to cry. Even turned the light off and pulled the covers over them.

“Goodnight, Isak.”

“Goodnight.”

Isak closed his eyes. His hand rested over Even, his arm on his chest, and Even kind of hugged it and it was perfect. He breathed in the scent of Even’s skin and hair. He felt his warm body relax against his. He was happy.

In the middle of the night Isak started to wake up. It was a slow process, more like a sunrise than an alarm clock, his consciousness just gradually became more and more aware of the world. Not the dreamworld, but the actual one. They were a bit hard to tell apart that night, though, when he was holding Even in his arms. What had made him wake up?

Even moved just a bit and Isak could feel his ass rub at his dick. It felt a bit slippery. It was hard. Isak opened his eyes but couldn’t see anything.

“Fuck!” Isak whispered. Even reached behind him and stroke his hair.

“It’s okay, sweetie. It feels so good.”

Even sounded so fucking hot. His voice was still thick with sleep, and it was low with heat. He moved his hips again and that friction made Isak moan.

“This is all I want, Isak. Just..let me feel it, please?”

Even needed this. Isak could hear it, he really, really needed this. And that made him feel things, like sexy and confident, and a bit scared, and a lot horny. He was still so sleepy and warm that it was really easy for him to say yes.

“Okay.”

Even didn’t ask twice. He pushed his ass back, hard against Isak’s hard dick, and moved his hips in a kind of circular motion. Isak shivered. He bit his lip, he squeezed Even’s back against his chest. All that skin, all for him, and that sweet, sweet friction. The silent wet sounds, he was dripping on Even’s cheeks, he was panting softly. What could Even have gotten from this?

“You can..oh god..” Isak’s voice was shaking now. “Touch yourself. If you want to.”

Isak could hear he wanted to. He could hear Even’s dick was also wet, slippery, Even pressed back harder and made Isak moan louder. Isak moved his hips in return, rubbed himself on Even, humped him, more and more frantic by the second. He felt absolutely no shame. He felt no fear. All he felt was the want and the need, the need for the release.

“Oh fuck yes, fuck, yes, frost me”, Even moaned when Isak came on his lower back. His words reached his mind a bit delayed, through the mist of his orgasm, his first shame free orgasm in a fucking long time. Even loved it. Even loved it that he came on him, that he used his body for his pleasure like that, and that felt amazing. Isak pulled Even tighter against himself, squishing his semen between his belly and Even’s back, he rubbed it into their skins like hoping it was glue to hold them together forever. Even tensed up in his arms when he came into his own hand.

Isak did not want to let go.

Even did not ask him to.


	16. Chapter 16

Isak felt almost bad about all the sex he had not been having all those months since the thought of sex had started to interest him. All those orgasms he could have been having and giving, all those sighs and moans he could have been hearing. What a waste, what a waste.

Even was more than happy to help Isak catch up for the lost time, though. That first night, that half asleep moment of mutual passion, had forced something open inside Isak. He had tasted something he now couldn’t get enough of. He had tasted sex with Even.

It wasn’t all good and wonderful. There were times when they had had to just stop because Isak would get too overwhelmed and just cry, in Even’s arms. There were times he was hurting, or clumsy, or ashamed of his desires. But each and every time Even was there to hold his hand and guide him through it, and the next time was good again.

Seven days. Seven wonderful, amazing days in a row, back to back, chest to chest, chest to back, hips to hips, hand to ass, hand to absolutely  _ everywhere _ , mouth to mouth to everywhere, Isak had come so many times and from so many things he had lost count. It had been like Even was on a mission with him, a mission to make Isak feel like a sex god as often as possible. His mission had been a successful one. Apart from rehearsals and school Isak hadn’t seen the sun for a week. He didn’t miss it, he had his own personal lightsource in Even.

Morning sex. Shower sex. Lunchtime sex. After school sex. Late night sex, gentle sex, rough sex, acrobatic sex, they had tried so many kinds. The most intense had been the make-up sex. Every time Isak entered the kitchen after that and saw the countertop he blushed a bit.

Isak had looked up what being bipolar meant. And it had freaked him out. He had been so scared, so worried, he had been sure that Even was really sick. Having an episode. Sexual promiscuity had been on the list of symptoms, and because Even was a self proclaimed - and, well, empirically proved - slut it was only natural that Isak had been worried about him. When he had brought it up, though, Even had basically flipped out.

For the first time in his life Isak had been in a scream fight with someone he actually cared about. It had been terrifying and intense and at the same time empowering. He had been right, he had been fighting for a good cause. He had not fought fair. He had used names he had not been proud of.

Shortly after the fight the same names had come to a much better use. Even had used them himself, when Isak had been inside him, fucking him against the kitchen countertop, in a red haze of passion and adrenaline and mutual atonement. Fuck the whore, Even had panted, give it good to the skanky slut. He had done as he was asked. Even’s knees had been bruised for days from banging against the cabinet doors.

Isak hadn’t brought the subject up after that. Because all the sex he had been having with Even had shown him that one, Even really was good at it and two, it really was fun. Even’s arguments were valid, and it was easier to stop worrying than to risk having another fight. The sex had been awesome, but the fighting..not so much. Even thinking about it made Isak feel a bit queasy. He had sounded like his father. And his mother.

The rehearsals had really kicked off. They were almost at the intermission now, the first half was close to being ready. Adam’s kissing scene was the last scene before intermission, and his emotional journey had significantly helped Isak make his. That, and the copious amounts of sex with Even. But as the rehearsal season stretched forward, the rehearsals got longer and more intense. The Friday afternoon session had turned into a Friday night session and when Isak finally got home it was almost nine and he was super tired. Even would have to settle for a handjob. Maybe Isak might let Even blow him.

There was a pair of shoes on the floor Isak didn’t recognise. They were bigger than his, about the same size as Even’s but totally not his style. Isak looked up and saw that Even’s bedroom door was closed. Isak swallowed. It was suddenly very difficult.

Isak took his shoes off and sneaked into the living room, behind the bedroom door. He didn’t have to press his ear on it, no, whoever was in there with Even was very loud. Try as he might, Isak could not, absolutely not, make up any other explanation to those sounds. They were having sex.

Okay. Breathe.

Just breathe.

Breathe.

Isak was hiding on the couch under his blanket when the guy left. He looked at him through a tiny crack. He was beautiful. His skin was light brown and his hair pitch black. He was muscular, not buffed up but obviously muscular. Manly. Isak knew perfectly well how different he looked compared to that guy. Even followed him. He was still naked, and Isak could see fresh bruises on the fair skin of his thighs. Fingerprints.

“See you around”, the stranger said and gave Even a kiss on the cheek. Even smiled at him.

“Glad to have you back from Denmark. It’s not fair that the Danes get to enjoy your dick.”

The other guy laughed. He had a deep laughter. He seemed happy with his life and himself.

“I’ve got plenty left for Oslo boys too.”

Even smirked.

“You sure do. Make sure to leave me some.”

“Always.”

They exchanged kisses on their cheeks and the guy left. Even stretched and walked into the bathroom. The shower started running.

Isak let out a long, shaky sigh, through the lump in his throat. Oh god. Even had..cheated on him? Was it cheating? He was a slut, and he was sick, and maybe that guy - well not maybe, it was painfully obvious - was giving Even something Isak didn’t. He had stayed out late. Maybe Even just got bored of waiting for him, and probably guessed that he’d be too tired to fuck him properly. Maybe Isak hadn’t fucked him properly and Even had to get it from someone else. From someone who didn’t break in the middle of it, or didn’t need guidance, or permission. Isak could think of a thousand reasons why Even would rather fuck that stud than him.

That didn’t mean it didn’t sting.

They didn’t speak about it. Isak had crawled into the bedroom while Even was in the shower. He had curled up into the bed and fallen asleep waiting for Even to return. In the morning Even had got up before him and made him breakfast. They had eaten, Isak had left for rehearsal. He had returned, they had fucked, things were normal again.

Then it happened again.

And again.

And again.

Every time it was a different person. One night Isak saw a pair of heels and a purse on the floor by the door, and he had seen a girl leave the bedroom. He could smell her perfume on the sheets when he had laid down next to Even. It had smelled like lilies. Isak didn’t know where Even met the people he brought home with him. He didn’t ask, Even didn’t tell.

Isak was home when Even entered with a guy. They were kissing, they had started kissing on the way up, and things were already pretty heated. Isak sat on the couch holding his script and a pencil and just stared at them. They looked amazing, sexy as hell, Even looked incredible in the grip of that lust. Isak didn’t know what to do. It was too late to hide, and what do you say to someone your boyfriend brings home to fuck?

They were nice to look at, though. The other guy was also blonde, and he was shorter than Even, so much shorter that he was basically standing on his toes so he could reach Even’s lips. Even held his face between his hands, then let his hands wander lower, on the neck that looked so slender that it could be broken like a twig. There was this kind of strong vulnerability in him, he looked like easy to break and even easier to put back together again. He seemed durable.

Even pushed his fingers into the guy’s hair. They were so blonde they were almost white. That shade didn’t look natural, and it didn’t really fit his skin tone, but that kind of unnaturality sort of worked. He looked fascinating. He looked..fuckable? Tonight Even would be on top, Isak was sure of that.

The guy noticed Isak. He broke the kiss and smiled at him.

“Nice.” His voice was exaggeratedly soft and demure. “Will he join us?”

Isak swallowed. Even looked at him and grabbed the guy’s hand.

“No. Come on.” Even pulled the guy with him into the bedroom and closed the door.

Isak got up. He took his bag and packed his script, the pencil, the phone and charger into it. He put his shoes on, took his jacket and left. He scrolled his contacts on his phone down to the W. Today was gonna be the day.


	17. Chapter 17

Isak worried for nothing. Eskild picked up. But then again, he didn’t have Isak’s new prepaid number, so he didn’t know who was calling.

“Eskild Tryggvason speaking, how can I help you?”

“It’s me. Isak.”

“I should tell you to piss off and hang up, you know.”

“Please”, Isak managed to whisper. “I need to talk.” His boyfriend was in their apartment - his apartment, really, technically Isak hadn’t moved in and didn’t pay rent or anything, he was a fucking moocher - fucking the most fuckable boy in the city and he needed to talk.

“Oh fuck, I can’t resist sad Isak. You’re not playing fair.”

“Can I sleep in the basement tonight?”

Eskild was silent.

“Hello?”

“Yeah, still here. Come upstairs, I’ll turn the oven on. Warm sandwiches and hot cocoa, sound good?”

“Sounds great.”

Just out of curiosity Isak went to the basement door first. He pulled it. It opened without a key. He stopped to listen but didn’t hear a thing. He turned the lights on and saw two water bottles in front of the storage unit.

He wanted to say something. Like goodnight, or that tomorrow might be better, or anything that would make the person hiding in the nest know he understood them. But he couldn’t think of anything. He just turned the lights off and closed the door.

While waiting behind Kollektivet’s door Isak wondered if he should hug Eskild. He felt like a hug, but he had been rude and dismissive to someone who had been nothing but kind to him. When Eskild opened the door Isak gave him a tentative smile. Eskild swept him into a tight hug.

“Oh sweetie you look so much better now!”

Isak wrapped his arms around Eskild and squeezed. He pressed his eyes shut tight, he didn’t want to start crying. Not now. He did feel a sadness curl up inside him, a ball of tears, it weighed down on his chest and made breathing bothersome.

“Even has been feeding me. And..I’m sorry, Eskild.” Isak squeezed a bit tighter and then let go. “I was a dick.”

“You were an ungrateful little shit.” Eskild smiled at Isak, a bit. “But I understand your reasons. Sort of.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“I forgive you. Now, cocoa and warm sandwiches.” Eskild took Isak to the kitchen. He turned the stove on and mixed milk and water in a pot to be heated up. The oven was already warm, Eskild took the pre-made sandwiches and put them in. They looked delicious. And cozy.

“You have someone in the basement. Can I take a sandwich to them as well?”

Eskild sighed and shook his head.

“No. This is not a hotel. I can’t get invested with you people, I can’t afford it.”

Isak blushed. Of course. That’s why Eskild had brought him only water, as well. He felt ashamed that he was mooching off of Even, but what else could he have done?

“Even is paying for everything.”

“Your boyfriend?”

Isak nodded. Yes. His boyfriend. Who was now home fucking a pretty blonde thing.

“So. You’re okay with all that now?”

Isak nodded again. He was okay with it.

“Then why are you not home with him right now?”

He didn’t know what to say. He had practiced his conversation in his head on his way here but it hadn’t worked out too well. Every way he said it sounded wrong. So he just shrugged.

“Are you in danger? Is he violent?”

“What? No!” Isak was totally not in any danger. Only his heart and even that was likely just because of his own stupidity.

“What is it then?”

Isak had to delay this conversation somehow. Derail it.

“Are you good at sex?”

“I beg your pardon?” Eskild stared at Isak, had on his popped hip, head tilted.

“I mean. Even is my first..uh..sex partner ever and I don’t know if I’m doing it right.” That was a very plausible explanation, really. Isak was just bad at sex and Even wanted it from someone good for a change.

“Sex partner? You two are having sex?”

Isak nodded. Of course they were? They were boyfriends. Eskild frowned.

“I’m not sure if that’s a good idea, Isak.”

“It’s the best idea ever. I love it. I just need to get better at it and if you have any pointers I’d really appreciate it.”

“Are you saying I seem like a slut? Because I’m not and -- wait,  _ need _ to?”

Isak nodded. Yes. He needed to.

“I need to get so good at sex that Even doesn’t have to bring other people home for it. Can you help me or not? Maybe you know someone who’s super good at it and could give me some advice?”

Eskild stared at Isak with his mouth open. Isak blushed. He didn’t know that him being bad at sex would be such a shock to Eskild.

“I don’t. I don’t know what to say to that, Isak.”

Isak sighed. Okay. Maybe he’d just have to keep practicing on his own.

“Why aren’t you home tonight, Isak?”

Isak looked at his toes. His socks matched the stripes of the kitchen’s carpet.

“Is Even having someone over right now?”

Isak nodded.

“He was beautiful.”

Eskild cussed under his breath. He used a long string of words for it. Then the timer said beep and he had to take the sandwiches out.

“I can’t keep you here”, Eskild said. “But I have a place for you to stay. With the organization. I suppose you’re now ready to admit being at least bi?”

Isak blushed severely. He was mortified by his own past behaviour.

“I think I’m full on gay, actually.”

“It’s okay if you don’t know. It’s..fluid anyway. Or at least it can be.”

Eskild plated two sandwiches and mixed some cocoa powder in with the milk mixture. He filled a mug and brought it to the table with the plate.

“Eat up. I’ll need to make a phone call about your accommodation.”

Isak sat down and Eskild left the kitchen to get his phone. He had kind of lost his appetite, but the sandwiches looked and smelled so delicious he had to taste. And he finished them both, as well as his mug of cocoa.

Eskild returned.

“I’ll just need you to fill out this paperwork, okay? You can use the address you’re living in now if you don’t want to share your parents’.”

Eskild gave Isak a form and a pen. Isak filled it out.

“What is this for?”

“It’s just a precaution. Some of the people in the shelter are very..fragile. You know what I mean.”

Isak nodded.

“That’s why there was a place for a safe person’s name there.”

“Yes. Is this Jonas a friend of yours?”

“The friend.”

 

Isak crawled into his sleeping bag. The shelter was not like he had expected it to be. He had been worried it’d be like a homeless shelter, packed with strangers and lice and whatnot, but no, this was more like a safe house. Isak felt really bad that he was taking up space in there, so he had demanded that he’d be given a sleeping bag instead of a bed. He’d sleep in the kitchen, under the dining table, he had said and there he now was. The forest of chair legs around him felt safe. Like a cover.

Isak took his phone. There was a free wifi here, luckily, so he could entertain himself without draining his prepaid. First he wrote a message to Even. It wasn’t delivered. His phone must have been out of power once again. Oh well, Even probably wouldn’t even notice he was gone before he came back.

He had seen glimpses of other residents. The youngest looked like she was fifteen at most, and it made Isak’s heart ache that she was not safe at home because of her sexuality or gender or identity. Had his life been different in some way if he had had a place like this to go to in her age? Possibly.

Isak put his earphones on and started browsing Youtube. He found a video of some guy playing Fifa and settled on that. Watching it reminded him of the carefree nights with the guys, and he felt sleepiness starting to weigh on his limbs. He barely managed to put the video away before drifting into sleep.

The guy who came into the kitchen to make breakfast for the residents woke Isak up, as they had agreed. Isak really didn’t feel like crawling out of the warm cocoon into the cool morning air, but he had to. People would come there soon for breakfast and they didn’t want Isak to be at their feet while they were trying to eat. Isak crawled out and wrapped the sleeping bag back into its pouch.

“Thank you. I’m going home now.”

“Hang on”, the guy said. Isak had heard his name the night before but he didn’t remember it. “Eskild told me about your situation. I’ve come to understand you have no source of income at the moment, is that correct?”

Isak blushed. Yes. He was a moocher. He had nothing, Even paid for his prepaid and his food and everything. He nodded.

“We have ways of funding people in your situation. The process takes time, but you can apply right now and get things going.”

“I’m not..I don’t need it. Thank you. My boyfriend supports us both until I get a job.” Isak was very, very not going to take the money from some fifteen year old with no place to go. Nope.

“Here, take our card.” The guy took a card from his pocket and handed it over to Isak. Isak took it. “Call us if you change your mind, okay? We’ve all been there.”

Isak put the card into his bag.

“Okay. Thank you. I’m good to go now so..”

“Yes, of course. It was nice to meet you, Isak.”

“Nice to meet you too. You are doing incredibly important work here.”

“Maybe you’d like to volunteer some time?”

Isak hadn’t really thought about it. But maybe?

“I need to get my shit together before I can help others with theirs.”

They said goodbye and Isak left. He tried calling Even, but his phone was indeed out of power. He’d need to remind Even to charge it when he got home. He decided to walk, the weather was nice and he wanted to make sure that the blonde had actually left by the time he got home.

Isak opened the door. No strange shoes, good. But Even’s sneakers were also gone. And his jacket, and his bag.

“Even?” No answer. Isak had thought Even didn’t have a shift that day. Maybe he was at the store? Isak took his shoes and jacket off and walked to the bedroom door. It was cracked. There was nobody in there. Not in the bathroom either, and the kitchen was empty. The fridge was not. Isak frowned, puzzled, but there wasn’t much he could do. He could make himself breakfast, so that was what he did. He sat down on the couch with his bowl of cereal and milk and checked his phone. His message to Even was still undelivered. He really, really tried to not think about it while he ate his cereal, in slow absent minded spoonfuls.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has cutting in it.

Isak woke up groggy and drowsy. He had slept badly all night, curled up in Even’s bed and hugging his pillow, jumping awake from every little sound in the hopes of it being Even returning home. But he woke up alone in the morning, still hugging that pillow, and feeling like shit.

Isak dragged himself out of the bed and into the bathroom. Even wasn’t in the apartment, he was still alone. All by himself. Isak washed his face with cold water and that helped a bit to wake him up. He was still wearing his clothes from last night but couldn’t be bothered to change them. He needed coffee.

One, two, three, four. Isak dropped the grains of cardamom in the filter with the coffee grounds. He filled the water and turned the coffee maker on. He glanced at the stove but decided to settle on toast with butter instead of trying to cook anything. He risked fire enough with the toaster, he shouldn’t add a stove into that equation as well.

While waiting for the coffee to drip and bread to toast Isak tried calling Even again. His phone was still turned off. Maybe he had lost it somewhere. Or maybe he was so busy fucking that pretty blonde from the previous night that he didn’t have time to charge his phone. Fuck.

The toast popped out but Isak wasn’t feeling like eating it anymore. He just poured himself a huge mug of coffee and took it to the couch with him and his phone. He turned it off and on again to make sure the problem wasn’t in his end. Didn’t help, he wrote a new message to Even and it was also undelivered. Calling didn’t work either. Isak sighed and sipped his coffee. He couldn’t taste the cardamom at all.

Isak skipped practice that day. He just sent them a message that he was feeling sick. That message got delivered just fine. Isak went back to the bedroom to curl into the bed again when he saw it. The cabinet door was cracked. Isak walked to it and opened it. The black toiletry bag was gone. Even had left and taken his pills with him. Isak let that sink in. Even had left. He had taken his pills. All of them, not just for this morning. He was planning to be gone for a while.

He didn’t have to rummage through the closet. He knew. He had known since he had woken up. Even was gone, and he had no idea for how long. Or where. He had no idea if he was safe, and that was what felt the worst. That big word kept spinning in his head. Hypomania. He wasn’t even sure how it was supposed to be pronounced, but he kept hearing it in his ears.

No. Even was stable. He had been stable for over a year now. It wasn’t that, Isak couldn’t put this on Even’s illness, and he knew it. This was on Isak himself. He had been home when he wasn’t supposed to, and this was his punishment for it. Just like mom and dad had left him home alone for days when he was being an insufferable little brat, Even had now left because Isak needed to be reminded of his place in all this.

Isak brushed his inner thigh with his fingertips. He went to his bag and pulled the razor he had stolen from Eskild out of the lining. He looked at it, tested it with his fingernail, and shook his head. It wouldn’t do as is. Isak got the matches from the kitchen cabinet, a candle from the nightstand drawer and a pair of tweezers from the bathroom. Even used them to pluck his eyebrows.

A couple of minutes later Isak had what he needed. A blade. He took a piece of tape and a pencil, and soon he had a small but sharp knife. Isak pushed it with his nail again. It was stable. And sharp. He was ready. He took the knife with him to the bathroom and got undressed. He stepped into the shower and sat down on the floor.

He felt calm again. He was preparing and he was in control. He knew exactly what he was doing, what had to be done. He had sort of missed this kind of peace of mind. The quiet moments just before.

Isak spread his legs and pushed his hips forward on the cold tile floor. He looked at the three scars on his inner thigh, and he knew that they were lying. They were leaving important bits out, and that was about to be fixed. Isak ran his finger along the top one.

“You are good”, Isak whispered to himself. “But not good enough for him.”

He pressed the blade into his skin, right after where the scar left off. He dragged it through his flesh in a slow and certain cut. His hand wasn’t shaking the least. He moved the blade lower, to the second scar.

“You are right. But not Mr Right.”

The second cut hurt more than the first one. It made Isak gasp sharply. His hand wasn’t shaking but his leg was. He grabbed it with his free hand. One more.

“You are worthy. But not worthy of him.”

He was panting midway through the final cut. It hurt the most, cutting into the already tortured flesh. The air smelled like blood and he could taste salt, he was crying silently and watching how his blood trickled down his thigh onto the floor without making a sound. His mouth twisted open, his shoulders shook, the only thing breaking the silence was the quiet cling the blade made when he dropped it on the floor.

When the bleeding stopped Isak pulled himself up. His leg hurt like hell. He hadn’t taken a painkiller in advance and he wouldn’t take one now, he wanted to feel this pain. When he took the first step he cried out in pain. And felt blood run down his leg again, fuck. He opened the cabinet under the sink and found the first aid kit. He dressed the wound but it was too late, he had bled on the floor.

Being on his hands and knees on the bathroom floor made his thigh hurt even more. It was a throbbing burning pain, and each scrub of the rag made it flare up. Isak scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed but the plaster between the tiles had soaked in the blood and try as he might it didn’t come out. The spot was small but it was there, but when his knuckles were almost bleeding he had to stop. If he had actually broken his skin he’d only made the problem worse.

Isak checked the bandages. He didn’t need to change them yet, good. But he did need to eat something. So he limped into the kitchen and reheated the toast from the morning. He found some yogurt from the fridge to go with it and he proclaimed it dinner.

He jumped over the coffee table when his phone rang. He tore his wounds open again but the pain barely registered. He grabbed his phone and took the call without reading who was calling.

“Even?!”

“Uh. No. It’s me.” It was Eskild, who sounded puzzled. “I thought I’d check up on you. Is everything okay? I heard you left the shelter in the morning.”

Isak squeezed his phone but his hand wouldn’t stop shaking. Eskild checked up on him. He cared. He had said he doesn’t want to be invested and still he called him.

“I’m..” He tried to say he was okay, but he couldn’t, his voice cracked.

“Isak? Has something happened?”

“Can you come over?” Isak didn’t want to talk about this on the phone. He didn’t like talking on the phone to begin with. “I have some food in the fridge but I don’t know how to cook it.”

“Of course. I know the address, I’ll be over soon.”

Isak tried the bandage with his fingers. It felt a bit moist. Fuck, he’d have to change it. That would hurt.

“Isak? Are you there?”

“Yes. I’ll see you soon, bye.”

He hung up and hurried into the bathroom. He changed the bandages and put his jeans on to hide them. They were a bit uncomfortable, so fitted, but they had to do. They were his only pair dark enough to hide any blood seeping through.

Isak hid his flinching when Eskild hugged him at the door. He stepped back cautiously and guided Eskild into the kitchen.

“There’s all kinds of food things in there and I don’t know how to make anything.”

“So. Even does the cooking, then?”

Isak nodded. He didn’t raise his eyes from the floor after the nod.

“Isak. Where is Even?”

Isak felt his bottom lip quiver. His shoulders shook. The ball of sadness reappeared in his throat.

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since I left two nights ago.”

“Oh sweet baby boy.” Eskild hugged him again. It hurt. But his heart hurt more, and he stayed there, leaning against Eskild’s chest.

“He has his medication with him. He’s not..he’s planning to stay out for a while.”

Eskild stepped back.

“Medication? Is he ill?”

“He’s on meds all the time. He’s bipolar.” Isak knew it wasn’t his business to share this with Eskild but he needed to tell someone, anyone, and Eskild was there. He was so worried, and hurt, and everything. “But he’s been stable for over a year, but still I’m worried, even though I  _ know _ he left because of me and --”

“Shit.”

Isak blinked, confused. Eskild looked so pale.

“Fuck. Fucking shit fuck I had no idea.”

“What are you..what?”

Eskild took Isak’s hands. Both of them. Isak looked down at them, his hands in Eskild’s, his knuckles looked so bad.

“Isak I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have..well maybe I would but not like that, and. I didn’t know.”

Isak kept looking at his knuckles. Eskild wouldn’t have. Then he remembered something Eskild had said, just a little while ago. I know the address.

“What have you done?” Isak whispered. He had an idea about it, a vague but terrifying premonition, he knew what had happened but he had to hear it from Eskild to be sure.

“I came over. When you went to the shelter. I came here to tell him off, and I sure did.”

Isak pulled his hands away and wrapped his arms around himself. He felt sick. He felt cold. He didn’t look at Eskild.

“What?”

“I didn’t know he was sick! I thought he was just an asshole who was using you -- actually, I still think he is, but I would have delivered the message so differently if I knew.”

Isak could imagine. He could imagine Eskild in the apartment with Even and - oh god, that night, then the blonde must have been here as well? - telling him off. Yelling at him, screaming at him, Eskild had fucking bested Isak’s  _ mother _ at a shout off and. Fuck. He had to find Even. Now.

“Get out.”

“Isak, I’m sorry.”

“I must go look for him. You can’t stay here.”

“I’ll come with you?”

“No you fucking won’t!” It was Isak’s turn to raise his voice again. He wanted to raise his fists too but fought the urge. “You will never speak to him again!”

“I didn’t mean to --”

“Wait”, Isak interrupted him. Now he looked at Eskild, now his gaze was strong enough. Full of anger. “You didn’t make me fill out that form just to get my address, did you?”

Eskild kind of shrunk in front of Isak’s eyes. Holy fucking shit. He did.

“Fuck off. Fuck off now or I’ll fucking call the cops to drag you out.”

Eskild didn’t fight anymore. He left. He knew that Isak could make him pay for this so severely, he’d be kicked out of the organization and possibly at least fined. Isak was too worried about Even to think about payback right then. Lucky for Eskild. When Isak had gotten rid of him he rushed to get his phone and his bag and got out into the night. He’d start at the clubs. Someone must have seen Even. Someone in this city knew where he was. Isak would find him.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Added tags: Intervention, Boy Squad

The sun was already starting to rise again when Isak got back to Even’s apartment. Another night of searching over. He had been from club to club, begging bouncers for free entry. Some had let him in, most hadn’t. Even had been missing for five nights and Isak still had no idea where he could have been.

Isak was a fucking mess. Beside school and practice - he basically mostly slept in former and stared into space in latter - all he did was look for Even. Nobody at KB knew about his whereabouts, either. But he would find him. No matter how hard it would be or how long it would take, Isak would find Even and bring him home.

He had a few hours before he’d have to go to school. He dreaded it already, having to avoid the guys as much as possible, they had already noticed he was doing that and Jonas kept sending him messages he barely responded to. Mostly something like “I’m fine” or “everything’s ok”. He refused to discuss this with anyone, he had tried that with Eskild and crashed and burned for that. He had lost Even because he had whined to Eskild.

Isak took off his hoodie and peeled off the large band aid from his chest, under his left collar bone. He looked at the four small vertical cuts, side by side, took the razor blade knife from the mirror cabinet and cleaned it with some antiseptic. Isak bit his lip as he pulled a diagonal line across the four lines. Five nights.

After cleaning the knife and the wound and replacing the band aid Isak went into the kitchen. He had put all the meat into the freezer so it wouldn’t spoil. He opened the cupboard and took out a can of tuna. He ate it from the can, standing up, with his fingers, washed his hands and threw the can into the trash. He dragged his feet on his way to the bedroom.

He missed Even. His body ached and his heart whimpered in the grip of his longing. He did not know love, but this felt like it was from the same family. And in addition to the longing, he was so fucking worried. This was Even’s apartment, and he hadn’t been here for days. Every time Isak left the apartment he put a hair between the door and the doorframe to see if it had been opened in his absence. Every time the hair had been where he had left it.

Isak opened the closet. He pressed his face into Even’s clothes and took a deep breath. He breathed in Even’s scent. He missed him so fucking much. He just wanted to feel close to him again, it didn’t matter who he was fucking and when and where but Isak wanted to be the big spoon and just hold him close. If he just hadn’t panicked. If he had been better in bed. None of this would’ve happened and Even would be home and he didn’t have to spend his nights out in the city trying to find him. He pulled out one of Even’s hoodies and put it on. It was a size too big for him, but it was cozy and warm and smelled like Even. It was perfect. Isak pulled the hood on, took his jeans off and crawled into the bed. He had almost two and a half hours of sleep before getting up for school, and he was so exhausted he fell asleep before his head hit the pillow.

The next morning Isak was forcing himself out the door when he ran into familiar faces. He had stepped into an ambush. He had opened the door and there they were, all three of them, side by side and looking worried. Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi. Before Isak could react they had pushed him back inside and closed the door behind them.

“What the fuck?”

“This”, Jonas said, “is an intervention.”

“We’re all skipping school today”, Magnus elaborated.

“This can’t go on like this, man”, Mahdi concluded. Isak stared at his friends. He was angry. He had no idea why he was angry, they were his friends, his best bros in the world, and he was fucking pissed to see them here.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I have to get to school.” Isak tried to get to the door but Jonas stepped in the way.

“Isak. We know you’re not alright and we know why. You don’t have to pretend.”

“We’re your bros!” Mahdi had started to raid the kitchen. “And we’re going to help you.”

“I don’t need your help.” He did not. All he needed was Even. Or at least to know that Even was okay.

“But we need you!” Magnus exclaimed. “I miss you.”

Magnus looked so devastated that Isak couldn’t help but laugh at him. Needed him? Missed him? Ridiculous.

“Dude, not cool”, Jonas said. “This is not funny.”

“This is RIDICULOUS! You can’t just walk in here and invade my home, friends or not!”

“Is there like  _ any _ food in here?” Mahdi asked in the kitchen. Then he opened the freezer. “Oh, found it! This won’t do, Magnus will have to hit the store.”

“I don’t have any money!”

Isak stared at Jonas as he took out his wallet and gave two bills to Magnus.

“Go get us some meat, hunter.”

Isak tried to push his way out the door with Magnus. Jonas grabbed his shoulders. His thumb pressed on the band aid and Isak cried out in pain. Jonas let go immediately but it was too late for Isak, the door was closed.

“Sorry”, Jonas said. “Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine.” Isak glared at Jonas from under his brow. “I’m going to be late from school.”

“Sorry, man. Intervention.”

“We’re here to help you”, Mahdi said. His voice sounded muffled, he had dived into the cupboards to raid them for food stuff. “You have no money, no food and no boyfriend to take care of you, you need us.”

Isak glared at Jonas. He looked guilty.

“Last night this man called me and said you might need your friends. He told me what happened. I told the guys because dude, this is not a one man job.”

“Fucking Eskild. I’m going to kill him.”

“First you’ll have to stop killing yourself. You don’t eat, you don’t sleep. We can all see it in your face. Don’t you remember what happened the last time?”

Jonas looked so fucking sad and worried that Isak started to feel bad at being mad at him. Besides, he had a point. Isak had been actively not thinking about his heart’s health. He had been too busy breaking it. He heard that Mahdi was preparing to start cooking in the kitchen. He was so fucking hungry. He was so tired of being alone all the time. His eyes started to fill with tears. Fuck.

“Can I hug you?”

“Careful.”

Jonas hugged him. Slowly and lightly, avoiding touching his shoulders. They patted each others backs twice and let go. No homo bro hug. It had felt real fucking good.

“Come on”, Jonas said and took Isak with him to the couch. “Let’s allow Masterchef Mahdi do his thing. We’ve got talking to do.”

Now that everything - well, many things - was out in the open again it was easy to talk to Jonas. Isak told him about Even’s disappearance but not about the multiple partners. He told about his searches but not about his cuts. Jonas listened to him. He got up to let Magnus in and shooed him into the kitchen to bother-help Mahdi and returned to Isak and listened.

“Do you have pictures of him?” Jonas asked. Isak took his phone out and showed him a couple. Seeing Even’s picture twisted his heart a bit.

“Can you send me and the guys one? We can spread the search if we all go.”

Isak nodded. Okay. Jonas was right. And the squad wanted to help. Isak would’ve helped any of them without hesitation, no matter what. So he sent the picture to them. Three phones beeped.

“NICE!” Magnus shouted from the kitchen.

“Dude, seriously, we have to make you lose the vocal appreciation of other guys’ looks”, Mahdi complained.

“Or cut down the enthusiasm?” Jonas added. Isak smiled.

They couldn’t all fit around the kitchen table to eat so they opted for the living room floor and the coffee table. Isak sat on a pillow and ate some seriously delicious food and laughed and joked with his friends. And when they were done with the eating Isak was put to bed. He tried to tell them that he wasn’t tired and he wanted to hang out rather than sleep but Magnus didn’t budge. He told Isak that if he didn’t get rid of those circles and bags under his eyes his rating would be officially dropped to six and it was not fun to be a six in a group of sevens. Magnus dragged Isak into the bedroom.

“Magnus. Don’t take this the wrong way, I seriously - unlike you - have no perspective of guys’ looks. But even if your face is a six your heart is a fucking nine, alright?”

There was something almost shy in Magnus’ smile for a second. Then it disappeared into a grin.

“Flattery gets you nowhere! Into the bed, mister!”

Isak laughed.

“You’d make a good gay. You have the rating system  _ and  _ skill in commanding guys into bed.”

“I’m not pretty enough to be gay.”

“I’m quite sure that’s not how it works, Magnus.”

“Stop stalling! Go to bed and sleep. We will take turns to watch the door, too!”

“I’m going, I’m going.” Isak crawled into the bed and under the blanket. The pillow didn’t smell like Even anymore, but his bros were at hand. He wasn’t alone. Magnus sneaked into the living room and Isak let himself drift into sleep.


	20. Chapter 20

The cycle repeated twice. Isak woke up, there was food, he ate it with his friends and then went back to bed. It was already dark when he woke up for the last time. He felt much better. Rejuvenated. He went to the living room and saw the guys huddled around the coffee table over a map of the city centre. They had different coloured pens and were looking at their phones.

“What are you doing?”

Magnus looked up and smiled.

“You look normal again.”

Isak shrugged. Maybe he did. He felt better, as well, but his problems were still very present and acute.

“We’re planning. Dividing the city into search zones and marking the clubs on the map.” Jonas drew a circle on the map.

“The  _ gay _ clubs!” Magnus said. He sounded enthusiastic, as always.

“And other clubs. He could be anywhere, right?”

Isak nodded. He could be anywhere. With anyone. That thought made his stomach churn.

“That’s why we’re hitting everywhere.”

Isak walked to the coffee table and looked at the map.

“I’ve been to some of these places already. The staff hadn’t seen Even and promised to tell him I was looking for him if they saw him.” Isak would have liked it if they’d tell  _ him _ if they saw Even but that was absolutely out of the question. They had no idea if things really were like he said they were, that he wasn’t some psycho ex or something. The thought of being Even’s ex made his stomach churn again, he had to close his eyes for a second. Fuck.

“Okay, then cross them over and we’ll leave them for last. Just in case.” Jonas gave Isak a red pen and Isak kneeled down on the floor next to the coffee table. Magnus leaned closer to see the places he was crossing over and his thigh touched Isak’s. Isak didn’t make anything of it, but he wasn’t sure why he had taken notice of it, either. He decided to let it slide and focused on the map. He crossed over five clubs he had gained access into.

“Um. Guys.” Isak looked up at his friends. He felt like shit for mentioning this but he had to. “I don’t have any money for entrance fees.”

“That brings us to our second mission of the night”, Jonas said calmly. “We really need to get you enlisted into that program Eskild talked about.”

Fucking Eskild. Isak wanted to say no, instinctively, when he heard his name mentioned. Sure, he had reconnected with his friends thanks to him, but that did not give him absolution for making Even run away into the night.

“Mmh.”

“I’m getting some money for my birthday but it isn’t until October”, Magnus said. He looked like a sad puppy. Isak recognised the feeling in his eyes, the feeling of not just being adequate. It hurt his heart that sweet goofball Magnus was feeling that way.

“It’s okay, Magnus”, Isak sighed. “Jonas is right. I have to stop being a fucking moocher.” Isak had looked up the website on the card he had been given at the shelter. They had work programs as well and that was something Isak was interested in getting into. Giving back something.

“It’s not mooching to let your friends help you out”, Mahdi reminded.

“Yeah, but if that goes on for weeks and weeks and you don’t do anything about it? Mooching.”

“Well at least you had sex with Even?”

Everyone stared at Magnus, not believing their ears.

“Dude.”

“What?”

“Are you saying Isak’s a live-in prostitute?”

Magnus looked at Isak, horrified.

“What? No! I just mean that Isak did  _ something _ for Even as well.”

“So..you’re saying that I had sex with him and he kept me for it? How’s that not prostitution again?”

“I don’t always hear what I’m saying until it’s too late, okay?”

Magnus was so frantic that Isak decided to give the guy a break. He smiled.

“It’s cool. I forgive you.”

“Thank you!” Magnus looked relieved. Jonas directed everyone’s attention back to the mission.

“So, Isak, you’re going to get in with the program?”

Isak nodded.

“Yes. I fucking hate Eskild but he’s not the only one in the organization and they’re doing really solid work.”

It felt almost weird. Talking about himself, when there was more pressing matters at hand. Like Even being missing, possibly hurt or fucking  _ dead _ and here they were, talking about Isak’s mundane issues. But they were his issues and they had been making his life really difficult lately and they had to be addressed sometimes, right? Right?

“I think it’d be best if you moved in with them as well, Isak.”

Isak looked up from the map, at Jonas. Mahdi was nodding next to him.

“I agree. We have places to be, man, we can’t stay keeping an eye on you all the time.”

“I don’t need anyone keeping an eye on me!” Isak snapped. Magnus placed his hand on his knee.

“You were on your own for five nights, and you stopped eating and sleeping.”

Isak wanted to deny it. He really wanted to be able to say that fuck off, idiots, he was doing perfectly fine on his own. But he wasn’t. It was true, he could not be trusted to take care of himself, he wasn’t sure if he ever really had been. Magnus gave his knee a tentative squeeze.

“There are people who need that spot more than I do”, Isak sighed. “I have a place to stay.”

“Isak, please.” Magnus squeezed again. He really was worried about him, more than he showed on the surface. Isak didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to leave the apartment in case Even came back. He wouldn’t be able to hurt himself at the shelter.

“If you don’t let them help you then we won’t help you either”, Jonas finally said. Isak didn’t have to look at him to know he was deadpan serious. Jonas was putting his foot down. Isak looked at the map, at the colourful clusters of circles spread out like constellations on the night sky. He needed to find Even. He needed their help to do that.

“Fine. I’ll talk with them. But I can’t help it if they say I don’t qualify, okay?”

“Fair enough.”

“Thank god!” Magnus sighed in relief, his hand still on Isak’s knee. “I was worried I’d have to figure out how to get money somewhere to help Isak on my own.”

“See, Isak? If you back out Magnus will drop out of school to flip burgers to support you.” Jonas was smirking. It was contagious.

“No worries. I’m calling them tomorrow, promise. Now, can we please get on with the plans for tonight?”

“Can I hit a gay club? I’ve always wanted to see one!”

“Yes, Magnus, you can hit as many as you’d like.”

“Yesssss. Wait, I don’t have the right clothes for that! I’ll never pass as gay in these!”

“Why on Earth would you need to pass as gay?”

“I’m still not sure that’s how it works anyway.”

“I’m going  _ undercover _ of course!”

“But why?!”

“When else will I get a chance to rock sequins and pleather?”

 

It had taken forever but finally they were on the move. Magnus and Mahdi had went their separate ways and Jonas wanted to go with Isak. Isak was kind of relieved to have someone with him so he let him. Jonas looked at his phone. They had planned a route on Google Maps, from club to club.

“Thank you”, Isak said to Jonas.

“For what?”

“For being my best friend.”

Jonas grinned.

“Best friends are for girls.”

“Well so are boyfriends and look at me now.”

That banter withered and died peacefully. Sometimes they didn’t hit off, and it was okay. They were comfortable enough with each other to not keep beating on a dead horse.

“I have been wondering”, Jonas said, keeping his eyes on his screen. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Isak blushed. He knew what Jonas was talking about. He didn’t have an answer for him, not one he could give.

“I mean. You have been like this for a while, right? It’s not something that just happened when you kissed Even? Unless he’s some fairy tale prince with a power to turn people gay by kissing them?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I was. I’m still not a hundred percent sure if I am gay or not but the more I think about it the more comfortable the idea feels. And uncomfortable, because..you know.”

Jonas nodded. He knew. He knew his parents.

“It’s just that. Please don’t be mad, but I kind of thought you’re maybe at least bi like ages ago.”

Isak stopped dead on his tracks.

“What?”

Jonas stopped too. He looked at Isak now, his eyes slightly pained.

“I might be wrong. But like. There was this time when I thought I noticed that you might have had some. Or, like, a thing. For me.”

Isak couldn’t help it. His eyes were filled with tears, and when he tried to blink them out they just ran down his cheeks. Fuck. He wanted to deny it so bad but that ship had sailed now.

“I did.”

“And then it stopped. What happened?”

Isak looked at his chance of confessing. Of telling Jonas, his best friend and brother from another mother, of finally letting him know about all his pain. Telling Even had been so good, it had made it so easy for him to breathe.

Then he let that chance slip away.

“I don’t know, it just passed I guess? Crushes come and go, you know.”

“I guess they do.”

Isak wiped his face.

“Why didn’t you say anything then?”

“I don’t know. It’s not something you say to your bro, is it? That hey, I think you might fancy me? Plus I didn’t want to reject you. Because I’m not gay. Or bi or anything. Ladies only.”

“I can’t believe you have the guts to use a plural form.” Isak was grinning. Jonas stared at him in shock and then laughed. Isak listened to the laugh, let it fill his ears and his lungs, and then let it out as his own.

“So. Shall we continue?” Jonas asked when they had stopped laughing. Isak nodded.

“We shall. Let’s go find him.”

They hit three clubs together. They talked with the staff and the people attending them, showed Even’s picture but nobody either knew anything or lied about not knowing. Isak remembered the girl at KB, the one who thought he had been one of Even’s many conquests, a lovesick stalker. And how he had now become one. No. He hadn’t. He just wanted to know Even was safe, he was half convinced now that he was having an episode, that’s why he was bringing those people home. He wasn’t healthy.

“Mahdi reports no results as well”, Jonas said to Isak when they were walking back to Even’s apartment after leaving club number three empty handed. “He’s going home from there. I’m going to give you some money to get some fast food or something tomorrow, but after school Mahdi’s coming over to cook for you.”

Isak had to protest.

“I have rehearsal tomorrow. He can’t just be there by himself if Even returns.”

“Good point.” Jonas sent a message to Mahdi. He got a response right away. “He says he’s just going to cook home then and deliver the food to you after rehearsal. Is that okay?”

Isak sighed. He knew Mahdi, and that if he was determined to feed him then that would happen whether he liked it or not. Plus he was sick of canned shit.

“Fine. I’ll let him know when I’m back.”

“That’s settled”, Jonas said after letting Mahdi know and getting his response. “You’re getting food tomorrow. You have to take care of yourself if you don’t want to end up back in the hospital.”

Isak nodded.

“I know, I know. I just. I got carried away. I’ve been dealing with my shit alone for so long that I don’t remember that I could get help too.”

“Someday I’m going to sit you down and we’re going to talk about all that shit and you dealing with it, you know.”

Isak sighed again. He was too tired to argue.

“Maybe. No promises.”

“I’ll take a maybe over a no anytime.”

Jonas threw his arm around Isak’s shoulders. Isak leaned his head against Jonas and let him walk him home.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit short, I might do a double update today.

It was a small victory, but Isak took it with enthusiasm. He was feeling in control again. In control of his life, his actions and thoughts. He stood in the bathroom without a shirt on, looking into the mirror. Four vertical lines and one horizontal, five nights alone, without Even, without anyone. Even was still missing, but he wasn’t alone anymore. He didn’t need to keep a record about his failures on his body now that he wasn’t the only one failing: if Isak would have to keep doing this, so would Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi, and that was out of the question. It was a wobbly logic, but it was enough for him to keep the blade in the cabinet.

He also probably had to quit soon anyway. He had kept his promise and contacted the shelter, and now he was about to go meet their representor - not Eskild, he had specified, definitely not him - for a short interview about his current situation. Isak really didn’t feel like it, but he had no choice. He wouldn’t feel like it later, either. He had tried to think of things to say, what to tell so that he would qualify for the work program but not for accommodation, but cheating was hard when you didn’t know the rules.

Even was still missing. Apart from that life was starting to be kind of okay again. Isak had been sleeping better, Mahdi had made him huge casseroles full of delicious food and he was back on track with both school and rehearsals. He was keeping himself busy while he wasn’t looking for Even. He felt bad about it, but a part of him knew. He knew that Even didn’t want to be found. He was still determined to find him, but the urgency was gone.

The need to be close to Even was still there, the longing, but it was quieter. Isak could hear his thoughts over it now. He had been walking like under water for days, but now he had finally emerged. The world looked clearer. Sharper. Isak boarded the tram and looked out the window, looked at the city preparing to say farewell to summer. He actually saw it, and it was beautiful.

“Hello, Isak”, the guy he had met in the kitchen said. “I’m Lukas.”

Isak grabbed the hand Lukas was reaching out and shook it. His hand must’ve felt cold and lifeless, Lukas had such warm hands. And kind eyes. He was around his thirties perhaps, dark hair neatly cut and a dark dense stubble framed his face nicely with its sharp edges. He had a nice smile, too. Isak was certain that all the residents into guys were drooling over Lukas. Not because he was a hunk - he wasn’t, just a regular looking guy - but because his kindness made him so alluring. Isak found himself imagining how it would feel like to press his skin against Lukas’ warmth, basking in him. He shook his head quickly to focus again.

“Hi.” Isak sat down in an armchair opposite to Lukas. There was no desk between them and that felt a bit awkward. Isak wasn’t comfortable with being on the same level with a man so obviously better than himself.

“So. Would you like to tell me about yourself a bit?”

“No?” Isak tried to chuckle but it was a pathetic attempt. He shrugged. “My parents kicked me out for stealing. But I think that was the best thing that’s ever happened to me, despite everything.” It had brought him a lot of pain and made his life really fucking complicated, but he didn’t have to hide all the time anymore. “They hate gay people. I don’t, I think they’re just people, but I could never..I never thought, I  _ couldn’t _ think that I was..that I might be. You know.”

“Gay?”

Isak nodded, blushing. Why was he blushing?

“It still feels weird. The thought, that I might be. That I am. Well. Gay.” Not just gay for Even, not gay for a play. Actually, really gay. Isak Valtersen was gay. “At the same time it feels like I want to climb on a rooftop and scream it out, you know?”

Lukas pressed his warm fingertips against each other and nodded. He didn’t say anything. He was waiting for Isak to continue. So he did. He told Lukas about his current housing situation and about Even being missing, about his friends coming to the rescue. He didn’t mention Eskild’s part in the events. Mad as he was, Eskild did help a lot of kids and he was needed here.

“So, basically, I can’t go to my parents anymore. I will die in that house. Either they will find out and kill me or I will hide it and kill myself. I need money, but I can’t go to the social services and. I’ve come to understand that you can maybe help me out here? I don’t want any handouts, no, I want to work.”

“Well, Isak, to me it sound like you have quite a bit going on already. With school, theatre and Even, on top of your own issues.” Lukas spoke softly, calmly but firmly. Isak wondered if that was how fathers were supposed to sound like. He opened his mouth to protest but Lukas raised his hand to silence him. “You can work on yourself. That’s something that nobody else can do for you. I’d like you to speak with our counselor at least a couple of times, and then we’ll figure out where to go from there. How does that sound?”

Isak laughed, dry and tight.

“Fucking horrible.”

Lukas nodded.

“You’ve survived this far, Isak. I can’t make everything okay just by snapping my fingers. I have been doing this for eight years now and I’ve never, not once, met anyone who made it on their own. You have your friends and it’s amazing that they are there to help you through this, but they have also their own problems and lives to deal with. You mentioned not wanting to be a burden, and I assure you, you are not one. But you will become one in time.”

Isak wanted to take back all the nice things he had thought about Lukas. Every single thing. Lukas was a fucking dick. And yet Isak knew he wasn’t, he wasn’t a dick, just right.

“I don’t want to.”

“These are your choices, really. Either you keep going as you are and see what will happen, or take charge of your life and responsibility of your actions. There is no magical third option where nothing changes and everything does.”

Killing the messenger felt really fucking tempting. Isak wanted to flip out at Lukas, to trash this fucking room in his rage, in his need to fight or run without running being on the table. His rage boiled inside him, it filled his lungs, it made his heart race and stumble and oh god, fuck, was he going to have another heart failure? Isak was gasping for air, but his lungs felt deflated, he tried to stand up but ended up on his knees on the floor instead. He heard Lukas say something. He didn’t understand his words. Lukas said them again and again, Isak tried really hard and finally he could make them out. “You’re not dying, keep breathing, you’re not dying. Keep breathing.” Isak was so scared. His eyes focused for a second and he saw Lucas’ knees on the floor in front of him, he bent down and pressed his forehead against them. He felt Lucas’ warm hands on his back, stroking him slowly, he kept telling Isak to breathe. He was not dying.

About fifteen long minutes later Isak was feeling his body calm down. His breathing settled first, then his heartbeat. His thoughts were the last to come around, but they did, as well. Isak stayed there, curled up into a ball on the floor, his head in Lukas’ lap. He was too ashamed to get up. He was so fucking weak that the mere idea of dealing with his problems had caused him a fucking panic attack.

“See? You didn’t die.” Lukas spoke softly, still stroking Isak’s back. Isak nodded against his knees. He didn’t die.

“Uh-uh”, he mumbled.

“Would you like to try to get up now?”

Isak shook his head. He didn’t want to, not yet. He didn’t want to face the world and Lukas just yet.

“Okay. I’m giving you two more minutes.”

Isak took them with gratitude. Two minutes curled up here, with Lukas stroking his back, collecting his thoughts and breathing back together. When the two minutes had passed Isak finally pulled himself up on his feet. He kept his eyes on the floor, holding his left elbow with his right hand, his left hand just hanging there useless.

“I’m sorry about that.”

“It wasn’t your fault. No need to be sorry.”

“I still am.”

“Very well. I forgive you. And I am booking you a meeting with the counselor, okay? Just meet with her and then if you don’t like it you can reconsider your options.”

Isak sighed. He didn’t raise his eyes but he nodded. Fine. Maybe a person who forgot how to breathe and keep their heart beating normally at the thought of counseling was in fact in dire need of it. And who knew, maybe it might help. Isak needed to focus his energy back on finding Even, so he needed to get his own shit together as soon as possible.

“Good. Now, I’ll show you your room. The house rules are on the wall, we expect all residents to follow them. They’re for everyone’s safety.”

A couple of minutes later Isak was in his room. There were posters on the walls, sceneries and motivational quotes mostly, and the bedspread was red. A warm shade, cozy and inviting. A desk, a chair, a closet. And the rules, posted on the door. Isak stopped to read them. Pretty basic stuff about cleanliness and not disturbing others, but also some important pointers - no greeting the other residents outside the shelter, no unpermitted visitors, no alcohol, drugs or unprescribed medication, no self harming or violent outbursts. Then the worst one. He had a fucking curfew. At midnight. He could not search for Even like that. He couldn’t stay. He didn’t want to leave. He had to call Jonas.

Jonas called him back immediately after Isak had let the phone alarm twice and hung up. Isak explained him his problem and he spent a long time reassuring Isak that it was for the best if Isak stayed at the shelter and obeyed the rules and took the counseling. That his boys would keep up with the search and keep him posted at all times. Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi didn’t have anything like Isak’s rehearsals so they could sleep after school and wander around Oslo at night, for now.

After the call Isak felt like someone had beaten him up. He was tired and empty, deflated. He fell on his back on the bed. He dug his worn out script from his bag. He needed a break from being Isak for a while.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tags: Minor Violence, Suicide Attempt
> 
> There was no tag for contemplating suicide, so I used attempt. It's a fine line anyway.

Isak felt really fucking bad about it, but he was a bit relieved that this Even business was out of his hands. The constant humiliation of the thought of Even, his boyfriend, not wanting him to know where he was had been so fucking hard to bear. If Isak had been even half smart he would’ve taken the hint and given up on Even altogether, accept he had been dumped and that’s that. He wasn’t half smart, he was a full on idiot. But now that he had an option, that not being with Even didn’t mean Eskild’s basement or sleeping under a bridge somewhere, it was in the realm of possible. He might have been dumped, and all that would mean was a broken heart, not total poverty and homelessness.

A broken heart was still a huge load to bear. Isak had done wrong by telling Eskild about Even’s endeavours, Eskild had shamed Even in front of his pretty blonde sub, and Even couldn’t forgive that. It was understandable. Even had his insecurities and self hatred under all his swagger sluttiness, and Eskild had probably told him off thoroughly. It was likely that Even had left Isak for good. He had an ex boyfriend now. He was sort of willing to accept that, but he needed to know that Even was okay and safe.

But still. Isak had been at the shelter for a few days and it had already started to feel like home. He had met the counselor and talked with her, mostly about his days at home with mom and dad, and it had kind of helped a little. It had made Isak feel just a bit lighter. He slept through his nights, he was eating regularly and being responsible of his actions to someone did him good. He felt safe.

The guys kept looking. And they kept Isak in the loop, especially Magnus. He had been sending Isak dozens of messages, just checking in on him or telling him about something silly or cool he had seen. And emojis. Hundreds of emojis, and Isak had noticed that they’d started to migrate to a more flirtatious direction day by day. At school he noticed Magnus watching him when he thought he wasn’t looking. He remembered his own looks at Jonas, and now it was painfully obvious to him. Of course Jonas had noticed.

Isak still couldn’t be sure. It was Magnus, and Magnus was unfiltered and goofy and it was possible he was actually just worried about Isak, and keeping an eye on him in case he’d start spiraling again. Magnus had issues with recognising boundaries and a strong tendency to mother his friends. It was probably just that. Isak was so lovesick that he saw things that weren’t there.

So when Magnus sent him a message Saturday morning to come over Isak didn’t think twice. He was in the mood for some company, and a change of scenery. He took his bag with him, he’d go to the rehearsal from Magnus’ place. He let Lukas know where he was going. He didn’t have to but he liked it, it made him feel like someone cared about his whereabouts. Half an hour later he was at Magnus’ front door and rang the bell. Magnus came to let him in and he looked really, super weird. Isak couldn’t pin it on at first but then he realized what was wrong. Magnus was deadpan serious. There wasn’t a hint of a smile even in his eyes.

“What’s going on?” Isak asked as soon as they reached Magnus’ room. “Is it your mom?”

“What? No! Mom’s shopping with her friends, everything’s good.”

Something was clearly going on. Magnus was fidgety, nervous and squirming. He sat down on his bed and got up immediately, then he sat down on the chair and spun around with it before getting up again.

“Magnus! You need to tell me what’s going on, you’re freaking me out.”

Magnus looked at him. His face looked pained. He was struggling. Then that struggle ended, Isak didn’t know which side had won.

“I found him.”

Isak jumped up.

“What! Where is he? Is he okay?”

Magnus grimaced, with his hand at the back of his neck.

“Isak there’s something you should know.”

“I KNOW. Where is he?!” He really, really needed to know where Even was. “Tell me everything! Now!” He was getting pissed, actually. Why was Magnus not telling him? He was holding back vital information! Isak had thought he had been over Even when he was missing but now that he had been found it all came rushing back in like a fucking tide. He needed Even. He needed him now.

“We kissed!” Magnus sounded like someone had just smacked him, it was a loud, whimpering yelp. Isak stared at him. He couldn’t feel his legs.

“What?”

Magnus was in tears and panic. He was shaking.

“I was almost as drunk as he was. The club was so loud and I had to lean close to him so he could hear me and then he kissed me!”

“He did not!”

“I kissed him back! I’m a horrible friend.”

Isak agreed wholeheartedly. He wanted to punch that stupid tear striped face.

“WHERE IS HE NOW?”

“He said I can’t tell you. Isak I’m so sorry but he doesn’t want to see you ever again.”

Isak felt the muscles at his shoulder fill with explosive energy. He felt his arm pull back and he felt his fist hit Magnus on the cheek. He saw Magnus stumble on the floor at his feet. He still couldn’t feel his own, lucky for Magnus, because he might have kicked him too.

“Liar! You fucking lying faggot!” Isak heard his voice, it was so cold and filled with white rage. “I know! I know you’re in love with me and if you think this story of yours will make me leave Even for you you’re fucking mistaken!”

Magnus was wailing on the floor. Isak looked at him and felt nothing but contempt. He spit at his feet.

“Never show your face to me again, asshole.” Isak spun around and marched out. When he reached the street he started to run. He ran as fast as he could, burning the rage, the fuel, he needed to get rid of it before he exploded. So he ran, blind and without direction, a blunt ache throbbing on his knuckles.

Isak kept running until he couldn’t take another step. He looked around and noticed he was close to Even’s apartment. Of course. Where else would his legs take him blind but here? He had the keys in his bag. He knew he had to go check. Also, he remembered suddenly, his blade was still in the mirror cabinet. He forced his exhausted feet to start running again.

His hands shook so much it took him forever to get the key into the lock. Finally the door opened. Just as he entered the apartment his phone rang. It was Jonas calling. Isak ignored the call and turned his phone off. He had no time for that now, he didn’t want to think about what had happened with Magnus, there wasn’t room in his heart for that pain now. His mind was filled with images of Even lying on the bathroom floor bleeding. He had to see.

The apartment was empty. Isak checked the mirror cabinet and there it was. His blade, waiting for him. Even was alive. He was safe. He never wanted to see Isak again. Isak grabbed the blade and stumbled into the shower floor with it. Now he had time to understand what he had done. He had time to understand how Magnus had sounded like on the floor at his feet.

Now that he was alone in the bathroom, with his blade in his hand, he knew that Magnus had told him the truth. He also knew that he was out of the squad now, for good. He had done the undoable, the unthinkable. He had fucking punched Magnus in the face. Magnus. Of all the people in the world he had chosen the nicest and most innocent one and punched him in the face because of his own fucking shortcomings. Isak squeezed the pencil the blade was taped on. He wanted to fucking stab himself in the eye.

It felt so unfair. Everything had just started to roll again. He was starting to be kind of okay, or at least on the way of being okay, and then this. Even happened, again. No, Isak thought, still squeezing the pencil. It was all on him. He hadn’t been able to handle it, that Even hated him now, that he never wanted to see him again, and he had taken it out on the sweetest guy he had ever known. Whose only crime was to have a crush on him. And kiss Even, but he had been drunk and Isak knew perfectly well how compelling Even’s kisses could be. God he missed those kisses.

Isak took his phone and turned it on again. As soon as it got reception it started blinking and vibrating, in the bombardment of messages. Isak didn’t read any of them. He wrote a message to Magnus and sent it. “I’m sorry”, it said. “It’s not your fault.” Then he turned his phone off again and pushed it into his pocket. He rolled his sleeve up.

The pulse was easily located. His heart was pounding so hard, so loud. Isak ran his fingertip along the artery. He felt like a fucking quitter. But he had tried! He had tried so hard, he had tried to be a proper son and a proper person and then he had tried being gay and a boyfriend and he had failed at fucking everything. It was time to understand and come to terms with it - Isak Valtersen was a failure, and that was all there was to it. All he ever did was cause other people heartache and pain. That had to stop. That had to stop now.

Isak took a deep breath through his nose. He held it. He squeezed his fingers into a fist and brought the blade on his arm. His hands were perfectly steady. His heart was beating loud but in rhythm. It was decided. It was time.

Keys rattled in the door. Someone entered the apartment.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three updates in one day! Lucky you!

Isak sat on the floor, frozen. He listened to the door close and the shoes be taken off and then the footsteps approaching. He had left the bathroom door open and the steps were almost there. Even appeared. He was drunk. He was pale and tired and he had lost weight, significantly, he was wobblier than ever and looked like shit. He was the most beautiful thing Isak had ever seen in his life.

Even turned. He saw Isak and jumped, startled. He looked at him, sitting on the shower floor, his sleeve rolled up and holding a blade above his wrist.

“You have got to be kidding me”, Even said. Isak had missed his voice so much.

“I promise I’ll bleed into the sewer. Just give me a couple of minutes and I’m gone forever.”

“Put that thing away immediately. I mean it.”

Isak’s hand was shaking now. He was so fucking ashamed. He had seen Even at his best, and in return he was now showing him himself at his worst. He had thought he had hit rock bottom, repeatedly, but he had managed to find new depths over and over again. This was it. He had been explicitly told to stay away from Even’s life and what had he done? He had come to his fucking apartment to slash his wrists. What the fuck?

Isak sniffled. He pulled the blade away from his wrist and threw it on the floor. It clattered behind the toilet seat.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry! I came here looking for you and I --”

“I thought I made it clear that I don’t want to see you again.”

Isak felt tears run down his cheeks. He tried to stand up but he couldn’t.

“But why! What have I done? I can do better, I promise! I don’t mind you bringing people home or going clubbing, it’s okay! I know I’m not enough for you.” Saying it out loud hurt. He was not enough for Even, but it was time he confessed it too. Owned it.

Even shook his head and chuckled darkly. He didn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Well, to be honest, you’re fucking insane and I don’t need that in my life right now. I took you in because I felt bad for you and I fucked you because you were hot and here, but I had no idea you’ve been running around Oslo stalking me and telling everyone I’m your boyfriend.”

Isak covered his mouth with his hands. He was breathing heavily, long heaving breaths. Even was right. He knew Even was right, he had always known it, in his heart. Under all that fluttering, flickering hope had been a black cold stone of the truth. Even was not his boyfriend. He never had been.

“But.” Isak had to explain. At least try to. “You said I was. At the hospital you said I was your boyfriend.”

“What?” Even shook his head again, laughing. “I said that so they’d tell me what was happening! And that didn’t even work!”

Isak shook his head, in tiny fast movements back and forth. No, no, no, no, no. It wasn’t true. But it was. It was true, Even was not his boyfriend. He never had been. He wasn’t Isak’s ex, they had never been in a relationship. He had made everything up. Just like Even said, he was insane.

“God, Isak. Why won’t you just take no for an answer? You just keep coming back like you have no idea what’s good for you.”

Isak covered his face with his hands. He wanted to cry but nothing came out. He was hollow and empty, Even’s words echoed inside him endlessly. Then he heard it. Good for you. He peeked at Even through his fingers.

“What do you mean good for me?”

“Basically the opposite of me! Fuck, Isak, you need someone stable who takes care of you and doesn’t take advantage of your endless need for love like some motherfucking abuser.”

There it was again. Isak could hear it, it was hidden deep but it was there. The pain in Even’s voice. Isak lowered his hands on his lap and rested them there.

“Even”, he said quietly. “I never felt used with you.”

“You fucking should have.”

“Why?” Isak tilted his head slightly and looked at Even. Seeing him was so incredibly great. He had been so worried, and obviously for a reason. But there he was now, standing at the bathroom door. Barely standing.

“Because I used you?”

Isak squinted his eyes. He thought back, at his days with Even, with his alleged boyfriend. He touched at his inner thigh.

“That sounds like something Eskild would have said.” Like something who hadn’t been here would have said. Someone who hadn’t felt the connection between them.

“Whoever said it doesn’t make it less true.”

“Do you have any sedatives with you?”

Even blinked, confused.

“Uh. A couple? Why?”

“I have a feeling that both of us could use one right now.” Isak had been about to kill himself, and Even had found him like that in his apartment unexpected. Some serenity was called for.

Even rummaged his bag and took out a strip of pills. It had three left. Isak pulled himself up on his feet and dragged himself to Even. He pressed two pills on his palm and gave he other one to Even. They both let them melt on their tongues, eyes locked into each other’s.

“You need to eat something”, Isak said. “I think I froze some of Mahdi’s food. Let’s nuke that up and put some coffee on.”

It was almost absurd. Sitting at the kitchen table with Even, eating microwaved leftovers and drinking coffee, after everything that had happened. And still it felt like the most natural thing in the world. Isak was at home with Even. There was no other way to describe it. He was at home. Even was his person. He had been a wreck without him, and now that he was there again everything felt tolerable once more.

Isak dropped his fork on his plate. It made a loud cling.

“Fuck!”

Even looked up at him.

“What is it?”

“Oh shit fuck shit shit shit I sent a suicide note to Magnus.” Isak dug out his phone and turned it on. Those were the longest seconds of his life, but finally it turned on. He deleted all conversations without reading them, he couldn’t cope, but he sent a message to all of the guys at once. He said he was sorry, that he was okay, and that he would be getting help. That he wasn’t alone. Then he had to turn off his phone again. His heart was throbbing, his breathing shallow, he was so scared.

Even took his hand.

“Isak. Look at me.”

Isak looked into his eyes, timid. They were so fucking blue.

“It will get better. We’re getting help. Both of us. Okay?”

Isak nodded. Okay. Yes. They were both going to get help. They both needed it. Even had told about his adventures when they were eating, about the neverending drunken and drugged up days and nights fucking anyone who agreed to. He had not been safe. He had been mugged twice and he had had sex he had remembered absolutely nothing about afterwards. Multiple times. Isak’s heart ached to think about it, Even waking up somewhere without knowing what had happened. Repeatedly.

After eating Isak decided that they needed a nap. And Even needed a shower. While he was taking it Isak changed the sheets on the bed. He hadn’t done that since Even had disappeared, he didn’t want to lose Even’s scent. But now Even was here, he would lie next to him, he could breathe him in all he wanted.

Isak flinched when he saw Even’s bare chest. It was covered in bruises and scratches and marks that looked like they were lashed with a whip. He walked to Even and ran his fingertips on the marks.

“Oh, Even”, he sighed. “I’m so sorry.”

“Your turn”, Even said quietly. He raised his hand and stroked at Isak’s cheek lightly. “Please.”

Isak nodded. Even had shown him his. It was time for Isak to do the same. He pulled his hoodie off and showed the new scars to Even. Even ran his thumb under the five cuts under Isak’s collarbone.

“What did you count?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m done counting.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

Isak nodded. He took Even’s hand and walked him to the bed. They laid down together. Isak was the big spoon. He buried his face into Even’s hair and inhaled him, in deep breaths. He had earned this. He had earned a fucking break.

Isak woke up before Even did. The room had gotten almost dark. They had slept for hours. Isak looked at the back of Even’s neck in the dim light. It looked so thin. Isak could imagine feeling his shoulder blades against his chest and his ribs under his arm. But it was just imagination, Even had lost weight, visibly, but he was not a walking skeleton. He was so happy that they had interrupted each other.

“I’ve missed this”, Isak whispered, very quietly. He brushed his lips against the back of Even’s neck. “I’ve missed you.”

Even yawned and pressed back, closer to him.

“I missed you too”, he mumbled, half asleep.

Isak twirled Even’s hair in his fingertips. It was still a bit damp.

“I’m not sure if I know what love is. But I really think I love you.”

Even let out a tiny chuckle. He shook his head.

“No you don’t.”

“I think you should stop telling me how I feel about things.”

Even was silent for a while.

“You’re right.” Even turned slowly on his back and looked at Isak. “I should.”

Isak nodded, solemnly.

“I think I love you”, he repeated himself. “But we shouldn’t be boyfriends yet.”

Even nodded too. He was also very serious.

“You’re right again.”

“Can I stay the night here?”

“Don’t you dare try to leave.”

Isak smiled a little. When Even’s lips touched his he smiled more, then he tasted them. He crawled on top of Even, skin on skin, scars on scars, and kissed him over and over again.

He had missed this so much. Missed Even’s body against his, his lips on his lips, his hands on his skin. Isak felt how hard Even was against his hip, his own dick was hard and dripping. He opened his mouth a bit and Even slipped his tongue inside his mouth. Isak moaned and closed his lips around it, sucked at it gently, let Even fuck his mouth with his tongue.

“Please”, Isak whispered when he had to gasp for air. He pressed his forehead against Even’s. “Even, please.” Isak thought he loved Even, Even didn’t know even that much, but Isak knew one thing: love could be made.

“Yes”, Even whispered. He grabbed Isak and flipped them over. Isak wrapped his legs around his waist and arms around his back, he pulled him tighter against himself. Even kissed him again, he tongue-fucked his mouth, Isak was shaking with heat and need. He was torn. He wanted this to last for hours, or forever, but at the same time he couldn’t wait to get Even inside him, to come with his dick deep inside his ass, whimpering his name.

Isak couldn’t hold back anymore. He pushed his hands between their bodies and undid Even’s jeans. He pulled them down over his ass with his underwear and grabbed those round cheeks with both hands. He squeezed them, rhythmically, Even rocked his hips in that rhythm and Isak could feel the wet tip of his dick rub against his stomach. Ffffuck.

“Even please”, he mewed. He needed this, he needed it now. He looked up at Even with feverish eyes, lips parted, panting lightly. He could see from Even’s face how much Even liked what he saw.

“Please what?” There was a hint of a smirk in Even’s smile. It made Isak giggle a bit. What a horrible man.

“Please fuck me. Take me. I’m yours.”

“Well, alright”, Even murmured and kissed him. He moved his wonderful dick away from Isak’s stomach and opened his jeans with one hand. Isak pulled them off, squirmed out of his underwear and kicked them into the curtains. He tensed up when Even stroked at the scars on his inner thigh with his thumb.

“These look different now”, Even whispered. Isak bit his lip.

“Later?”

“Okay.” Even nodded. He let his fingers slide past the scars and wrapped them around Isak’s dick. Finally. Oh yes, fucking finally. Isak squeezed his eyes shut when Even moved his hand up and down, when he rubbed the wet tip with his fingers and palm. Isak was trembling in his grip, shuddering and shaking and moaning.

“Could you pass the lube, beautiful?” Even asked. Isak blushed. Even thought he was beautiful. It felt incredible. It was really weird, how willing Isak was to believe him, to take him for his word. He was beautiful, because Even said so. He reached for the nightstand and found the lube. He gave it to Even, licking his lips. He was so ready for this.

Even was so beautiful. There was something almost eerie about him, in the near dark bedroom, with his skin full of battle scars. His own soldier, back from the field, Isak thought, he had been waiting at the homefront fighting his own battles and there he now was, his man. He was breathing heavier now, he pulled his legs open for Even who was spreading lube on his finger torturingly slowly. Come on, soldier, conquer this land.

Isak moaned softly when he felt Even’s slippery finger slide into him. He had missed this so much, being touched by Even, his long lean fingers, he could reach places inside him he never could himself. His dick twitched when Even pushed past his sweet spot. It made him arch his back and push his hips against Even’s hand. He reached up, touched Even’s shoulder, grasped at his upper arm and pulled towards him. Come here, come down.

He got what he wanted. Even laid down against him, straddling his leg with his, his dick rubbing against Isak’s upper thigh and hip. They kissed again, open sloppy kisses, Even moved his finger in and out of him, taking him with it. Isak moaned into Even’s mouth, repeatedly, high pitched sharp little sounds. Even moved his mouth at the side of his neck, and when he pressed his lips tight against the thin skin and sucked and nibbled at it with his teeth Isak moaned longer and louder. Yes, oh yes my soldier and commander, mark me as yours.

While making the hickey Even pushed another finger into Isak. He gasped sharply, grabbing Even’s hair.

“More lube”, he whispered, he needed more. Even pulled his hand back and when it returned it was slippery again. The two fingers entered him and he was gasping again. Out of pleasure this time, pure pleasure and lust and want. Isak rocked his hips against the hand, he pulled Even’s lips back down on his skin. Make more, he pleaded, in a hoarse whisper, and Even did what he asked. He embroidered Isak’s skin with his lips and teeth, all the while letting him ride his long lovely fingers.

“I want you to fuck me”, Isak said. He couldn’t take it anymore, he had three of Even’s fingers inside him and he wanted more, he needed more. “Please, fuck me now.”

Even pulled his hand back and looked into Isak’s eyes. He smiled, both with his eyes and his lips, and reached over to the nightstand. He opened the drawer and felt around, frowning.

“Hm”, Even said and crawled over Isak.

“What is it?”

“I seem to be out of condoms.”

Isak laughed, surprised.

“Since when have we used condoms?” They never had. Not once.

“Since I have had unprotected sex with half the city in the last couple of weeks?”

“But..weren’t you uh..slutty before?”

“I always used protection. Except with you, I was your first and only partner, right?”

Isak blushed. And nodded. He had never even thought about using protection, it wasn’t like either of them would get pregnant. He felt so childish and stupid.

“I’m not going to risk giving you anything. So we’ll use condoms until I’ve been thoroughly tested. Twice. Okay?”

Isak nodded, biting his lip. Okay.

“But..you said you’re out now and..” He really, really wanted to have sex with Even now. He needed it so bad. “I’m sure one time won’t be --”

“No, Isak. Absolutely not. But I have something I could try. I don’t mind if you say no.” Even reached under the bed and pulled out a box. Out of the box he took a plastic cock. Isak stared at it eyes wide. It looked..big. Thick and long, it was bigger than Even’s.

“What do you think?”

Isak licked his lips. Then he shook his head. No. He wanted Even inside him now, not a piece of plastic.

“Maybe some other time. Can I..can I ride your fingers again?” They had done that once, Isak had straddled Even’s waist and rubbed their dicks together while riding Even’s fingers, it had been fucking intense.

Even shook his head.

“No dick on dick contact either. But I could fuck you with my fingers all night.”

Isak smiled and laid back down, spreading his legs.

“Get on with it, then. Make me come so fucking hard.”

Even was happy to oblige. He added some lube on his fingers and pushed three inside Isak all at once. Isak whimpered and moaned when Even made them dance inside him, pushing and spreading and bending and rubbing absolutely everywhere.

“Touch yourself for me”, Even whispered. Isak could hear Even was jerking off himself and his hand flew on his dick. When he started wanking Even’s fingers focused their full attention on that place inside him, that spot that made him make those high pitched moans again. He jerked off faster, Even rubbed him harder, and then he came, he came so fucking hard, all over his stomach. In his rush of pleasure he heard Even come too. It wasn’t perfect but it was fucking amazing.

Even came to wash his hands when Isak went to take a shower. Isak looked at him in the flat fluorescent lamp light, his nudity filled with marks. His heart fluttered a bit, but it kept beating, it was beating like a war drum. Defiant, brave and secretly the tiniest bit scared.


	24. Chapter 24

Isak stared at his phone. He knew he had to let the guys know he was still okay. He also knew he would have to face them at some point. Monday morning he would have to go to school, for example. But he didn’t want to have that possibly thundering first encounter there. He knew what he had to do, the problem was that he didn’t want to do it. At all.

Isak turned his phone on. He deleted all conversations again, but he did write two messages. One for all of the guys, stating he was still alive and well and still going to get help. The second one he sent to Magnus. He asked if he could come over to talk. Isak blocked Mahdi and Jonas after sending the messages and waited for Magnus to respond.

“He won’t do it”, Isak sighed. “He hates me now. Or is fucking scared of me, or both.”

“How long have you guys been friends again?” Even asked over his shoulder. He was making them breakfast. He had been to the corner store first thing in the morning, to get breakfast supplies and three packets of condoms. Isak had laughed so hard at them, at the sheer amount of them, but Even had reminded him that sometimes they would break, and it was good to have spare ones.

“Years”, Isak sighed. “But I punched him in the face, called him a faggot and spit on him.”

“You really should work on your anger management skills.”

“Not funny.”

“I know.”

Isak frowned. Was Even being serious? He was, at least, correct. Isak had issues with all kinds of emotions and handling them, and anger was definitely one of the toughest.

“Magnus is the one I talked with, right?”

Isak blushed fiercely. He had to nod though.

“He’s a great kisser.”

Isak glared at Even.

“Are you trying to give me anger to manage? It’s working.”

“I thought he would have a heart attack after the kiss. He was so horrified and upset. It took me ten minutes to calm him down enough that he could form actual sentences.”

That did sound like something Magnus would do. Isak stared at the surface of the kitchen table. He saw it in his head again, Magnus at his feet. He remembered the hot white flame consuming him. Even kept talking.

“When he had calmed down and managed to tell me you’re looking for me I told him to tell you to keep the hell away. And then I tried to hook up with him. Very, very assertively and persistently.”

Isak looked up at Even. He was talking to the eggs he was cooking. Isak could see the back of his neck, the red patch. Magnus had not mentioned anything about hooking up with Even, but maybe he hadn’t had time to.

“Did you?”

“No. Not thanks to me. I think I might have groped him as well? I’m not completely sure, I was so fucking drunk. I remember pinning him down in the booth..I guess? Or maybe I just considered that?”

Isak licked his lips. The idea, the thought of Even pinning Magnus down in a booth in a nightclub, was titillating and aggravating at the same time. Even using his height in his advantage, pressing Magnus on the couch, pushing his tongue into his mouth, maybe trying to shove his hand into his pants. In his mental image Magnus didn’t resist all that hard.

“Are you trying to make me punch him again?”

“I’m trying to tell you  _ I’m _ the one you should punch. If anyone. Magnus got your back, unlike me.”

“Keep talking like that and I just might.”

“I’m just saying that I have hazy memories of not really listening to him saying no because I was convinced he’s just saying that out of obligation to you. Do what you wish with that information.”

Isak pressed his palms against the table and pushed himself up so fast the chair fell down behind him.

“What the fuck Even? Are you telling me you’re a fucking  _ rapist _ ?”

Isak couldn’t help thinking about the first time he came with Even. It hadn’t been rape. But it hadn’t been fully not-rape either. He shivered, he was freezing from the inside.

Even turned the stove off and lifted the pan away to cool. He was not looking at Isak.

“I’m telling you I am reckless, unhealthily confident and possibly dangerous, in addition to having serious substance abuse issues. I have done some really fucked up shit before. Or so I have been told. You see, I don’t remember it myself. I was so drunk or high or both, sometimes days on end. I have black holes in my memory and I have filled them in with second hand information and that information does not paint a pretty picture. Eskild was right about me. He was the first one ever to actually say it to my face like that and..” Even shook his head, chuckling darkly. “I tried to hit on him as well. He shook me off my game and I was so fucking scared and desperate to get back on I actually told him he could join us. That..didn’t end well.”

Isak stared at Even, his hands clenched into fists. Even was right. He was the one Isak should’ve punched. But he didn’t. What good would it have done?

“I should go now”, Isak said. “I missed my curfew. I have some explaining to do.”

“Will you come back?”

“Should I?”

Even shook his head. Isak saw tears run down his cheeks, just two of them. He still wanted to punch Even. And kiss him and sweep him up and carry him somewhere far away with him.

“Please unblock my number.”

“I have a new phone now. I got mugged, remember?”

“Right. Twice.” Isak sighed. Even had been punished already, hadn’t he? All the things he had done had been a part of that punishment, hadn’t them? Even gave him his new number and he called it so Even could get his.

“I’m going now. Please don’t..please be safe, okay?”

“No promises.”

“I won’t have it. Promise me.”

“I can’t make you that promise and be certain I’ll keep it.”

“Fuck you! Yes you can!”

“You don’t get to tell me what I can and cannot do!”

Isak couldn’t see properly through his tears. He was so fucking angry and even more fucking scared. Even was there now but he could disappear any second, be gone, just like that.

“I can’t leave if you don’t promise me! And I can’t stay here listening to you talking shit about yourself!”

Even turned to face him. Was he crying too? Isak couldn’t see properly.

“All that shit is TRUE!”

“Shut the fuck up or I’ll make you!” And Isak did just that. He pounced Even, grabbed his face and kissed him, hard. He couldn’t think of anything else to do, he didn’t want to do anything else. Fucking asshole Even fuck fucking fucker.

“I love you, asshole”, Isak whispered, still holding Even’s face in his hands. Then he kissed him again. “Don’t you dare deny me that.”

Even allowed those kisses. He received them, responded to them, he placed his hands on Isak’s hips. Isak remembered the make up sex, the bruises on Even’s knees. That made his own knees buckle. Fuck. He really, really wanted to have sex with Even right then and there. Even wanted that too, Isak could feel it in the way he was holding his hips. They hadn’t done it on the kitchen table yet, had they?

“Promise me”, Isak whispered, pulling back from the kisses. He looked Even in the eye, refusing to let his gaze go. “Promise me you will be safe. Go fuck anyone you want to but do it sober, use fucking protection and take no for an answer. Can you promise me that?”

Even nodded. Kind of. He moved his head and it looked like a nod. That was as much of a promise Isak could get out of him right now.

“I really have to go now. I have to visit the shelter and apologize and then I have practice. Then Magnus has hopefully responded to my message somehow. I’ll let you know when I can come over, okay? Can I come over?”

“I might have someone here.”

“I’m leaving my keys here. For now. Just send me a message to not come tonight if you hook up with someone, okay?” Isak’s heart was aching when he heard him say those things. That it was okay for Even to hook up with someone. But if that was the price he had to pay to know Even was being safe..so be it. Love required sacrifices.

“Okay.”

Isak kissed Even briefly once more and then went to put his shoes on. He was leaving now. He took the key out of his keyring and placed it on the side table.

“Keep me posted”, Isak said and closed the door.

Magnus had finally replied him during rehearsal. Isak was so not ready for that. He had first been told off by Lukas at the shelter - Lukas had agreed, thank God, to take him back in and get him psychiatric help first thing Monday morning - and then by the director at the theatre. Now he was supposed to go and be told off for a third time? Fuck. But Magnus had agreed to see him, and he had asked if it was going to be just the two of them, and Magnus had said it would. Isak still couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t walk into another intervention, but he didn’t have much choice. So Isak took a deep breath and rang the doorbell.

He had made a bruise on Magnus’ face. He gasped at the sight of it, eyes wide, holy fucking shit.

“I’m so sorry!”

They blinked. They had said it at exactly the same time, both equally panicked and earnest. Neither of them dared to speak again, in fear of interrupting the other. They stood like that at the door for quite a while until Isak finally opened his mouth again.

“Even told me what happened. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Magnus blushed. He looked fucking adorable. If Isak only had fallen for him instead of Even, things could be so much better now. But he hadn’t, and they weren’t.

“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been drinking on the mission and I sure as hell shouldn’t have kissed him like that.”

“Can I come inside? I promise I won’t hurt you again.”

Magnus shrugged with one shoulder and let Isak in. They went to his room. Isak’s stomach curled up into a knot. He had punched Magnus in the face.

“You found Even?”

Isak nodded.

“Sort of. He found me. I’m so fucking sorry about that message Magnus, I wasn’t..I was wrong to send it. I really did want to end it all but then Even came home.”

Magnus looked mortified. He was pale as a ghost.

“We were so worried about you! I don’t think any of us slept a wink all night. We tried calling the cops but because we didn’t know where you were and your phone was off they couldn’t help us.”

Isak closed his eyes. Fuck. Fucking shit fuck, he had been such an asshole. Jonas must have been worried sick.

“I’m so sorry. I couldn’t..I was a fucking mess. I still am. But I’m going to get help first thing Monday morning.”

Magnus nodded.

“That’s good. We tried to help you but we can’t.”

“Magnus”, Isak said quietly. He wanted to change the subject. “Could you tell me what happened with Even?”

Magnus blushed. Intensely. He pulled his teddy bear - he still had that thing, he had gotten it when he was six - into his lap and hugged it.

“I was at the club. I had been offered some drinks at the previous place I had hit and I was drunk. And dressed slutty too. It really was no wonder Even thought I wanted to hook up with him, he must have seen the way I looked at him.” Magnus pressed his face between the teddy bear’s ears. His ears and neck were scarlet red.

“It’s okay”, Isak said. He did his best to sound reassuring. “I’m not mad at you.”

“You should be! I loved kissing him and I really wanted to do it again and when he asked if I wanted to take him home I almost said yes.” Magnus was crying now, his voice a muddled shaky mess, his shoulders shuddering. He squeezed that fucking teddy bear like his life depended on it. “I almost said yes, Isak. I wanted to say yes. You were right to hit me.”

“But you said no. And Even didn’t listen to you. He did wrong, Magnus, not you.”

Magnus looked up at Isak, wet eyes wide.

“What?”

“Even told me what happened. That you tried to say no and he didn’t listen to you. It wasn’t your fault.”

Magnus wiped his eyes. He looked confused.

“I never said no to him.”

Suddenly Isak felt cold. He wasn’t sure why.

“But did you..resist? Or something? Because Even told me he tried to practically rape you.”

“What? That’s not..that’s not how it went at all!”

Isak’s head was spinning. The images were flashing through his brain again, Magnus kissing Even willingly and eagerly, Even pinning him down, hands diving inside clothes. He felt sick to his stomach. And the slightest bit turned on. Because he was insane.

“Magnus. Please. Tell me exactly how it went. Please.”

“Like I said, we kissed. I really liked kissing him, I’m so sorry, but I did. And then I panicked because I’m your friend and I’m not supposed to like kissing your boyfriend and then Even was so nice to me, he held my hand and helped me calm down. And then I told him you were looking for him and he said..he said he wasn’t your boyfriend. That he had heard you have been looking for him for a while and wanted me to tell you that you should just back off. He sounded really convincing! I thought that maybe because he is so, so, so pretty you kind of..I don’t know, you hadn’t been well lately, not at all.”

Magnus took a breath. Isak felt so many words swirl on his tongue but he didn’t let them out. Not yet. He had to let Magnus finish the story.

“I told him I’d tell you that he doesn’t want you to look for him anymore. Then he told me I’m. I’ve never been told that I’m. Well. Pretty.” Magnus blushed, from his hairline to his chest. “He said I was a pretty little thing and he wanted to come home with me. And I almost said yes, Isak. I’m sorry!”

Isak had to take a long, deep breath. He had to stay calm. He did not want to hit Magnus again.

“But you didn’t.”

“I didn’t! I told him I needed to go to the bathroom and I ran away.”

Isak blinked, confused. Even had been so sure. He had been so remorseful. But nothing had actually happened? Except the kisses?

“Even told me he kind of remembered not listening to you saying no to him.”

“Oh! That did happen!”

“You just said it didn’t!”

“I wasn’t saying no to that! I was saying no to telling you to back off. I wanted him to tell you himself but he absolutely refused to.”

Isak blinked slowly. So. Even hadn’t..he thought he was..but he wasn’t. He didn’t.

“I have to call Even now”, Isak said, hastily. Even didn’t pick up, so he sent a message to him. He told him he had talked to Magnus and that Even had not forced himself onto him, and that Even should call him when he got this message.

“Isak I’m so sorry I kissed your boyfriend.”

Isak sighed. Magnus looked so devastated. It wasn’t right. He took his hand and gave it a soft squeeze.

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

It was the first time he said it out loud to someone else. It made him squeeze Magnus’ hand a little harder. He squeezed back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo this will def be closer to 30 chapters than 25.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A double update! Rejoice!
> 
> And please, please leave a comment if you feel like it at all. <3

Maybe it was because Magnus was so kind. Or maybe it just was time for Isak to finally get it all out of him. But he told Magnus everything about himself and Even. How they had met, about the scene and the seven kisses, how he had been kicked out from home. About Even’s ultimatum and how it really wasn’t one after all. He fast forwarded past their first time and all the sex, because Magnus was blushing so much at the kissing stories that Isak didn’t think his skin could hold all that blood in it if he heard about something more. He just said that there was sex, that he liked it really much and then he got to the hard part. The part with Even bringing people home.

“I think that’s when his episode started. Or maybe earlier. He barely knew me and just took me in to live with him, for free, for indefinite time. From what I’ve read that kind of impulsiveness is typical for bipolarity.”

Magnus nodded.

“It can be.”

“You know about bipolarity?”

Magnus nodded again. He shrugged, still holding his bear in his lap.

“My mom’s bipolar.”

“Really?” Isak had no idea. He never knew. But, then again, he had never asked. “Do the guys know?”

“I don’t know. We don’t talk about parents much, do we?”

Isak chuckled. No, they did not. He didn’t talk about his for obvious reasons, and otherwise parents were not an interesting topic anyway. Their rules and how to get around them, yes, but the people themselves, not so much.

“I suppose. But..you’re always so happy?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Isak shrugged.

“I don’t know. My mom’s batshit crazy and it really gets to me.”

“My mom’s not crazy. She’s bipolar. And awesome.”

Blood rushed on Isak’s cheeks. He had just, inadvertently, dissed his bro’s mother. One more item on his long list of things shitty friends do.

“She is. But Even is not. Or yes he is, he’s fucking amazing, but he’s also not healthy and I’m really, really worried about him.”

“If he’s having an episode and he’s out there drinking and clubbing and fucking then you have reason to be worried about him.” Magnus blushed when he said ‘fucking’ and it was somehow. Adorable? No, Isak, back off immediately. It’s Magnus, not some pet or a doll to play with. Focus.

“I know! But what can I do?”

“Not much. Talk to him? The thing is, if he’s being hypomanic, he doesn’t..his reality is not the real one. It’s distorted and it makes him make bad choices, and adding alcohol and pills to that mix is not good news.”

“He told me he’s blacked out. Like, a lot.”

“That has to stop. Is he going to get treatment?”

Isak nodded.

“Yes. We both are. Monday morning, first thing.”

“That’s very good.” Magnus sounded super relieved. Such a high contrast to how Isak was feeling. Even hadn’t called or messaged him. Then again, it also meant that Even hadn’t brought anyone home. For now.

“I guess. I just. I wish so much that this all would just go away and we’d be happy and together and not in this hell all the time.”

“To me it sounds like all that shit is what brought you two together. And. Uh. I mean, isn’t it better now, still? Not being home and being openly. You know. Gay.” It was hard for Magnus to use that word. Isak smiled at him, just a little.

“It is. Much better. I told Jonas first and. Oh god, that backfired so bad, but it was a misunderstanding and long story short, being out is so fucking much better than not.” Isak looked at Magnus. Intently. Intensively. He did not let him break the stare. It was time, Magsie.

Magnus blushed. He couldn’t look away. Isak could tell he wanted to. He smiled just a little at him.

“Go on. I’m listening.”

“I. There’s nothing to listen to. I don’t know what I am.”

“But you really liked kissing Even. I know he’s beautiful but he is still unmistakably a dude.”

Magnus hid his face behind his teddy bear. Isak nudged at his shoulder.

“You know I used to have this mega intense crush on Jonas?”

Magnus looked up, eyes wide.

“You did not! You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

Isak laughed.

“Nope! It’s true. He was my first gay crush. I was so done for! And fucking terrified. It was Jonas, for God’s sake! My brother!”

Magnus nodded. Very very small and timid, but Isak saw it.

“What happened?”

“It passed.” That was a lie, but he sure as hell was not going to recommend Magnus the scrape your crush away with a sharp metal edge -method. Never. “Like crushes do. You know what’s the worst part?”

Magnus shook his head. Fuck, his eyes were so huge.

“Jonas knew about it. I didn’t know he knew but he did, all that time. He knew and he let me have my crush on him at peace.”

Magnus gasped. He covered his mouth with his hand. It hit home, yes. Isak smiled at him encouragingly, go ahead.

“So you’re saying that Mahdi knows about my crush on him?”

Waitaminute. The disc scratched inside Isak’s head, bringing everything to a halt.

“What?”

“You said Jonas knew!”

“Yes, yes I did, but, what? Mahdi? You don’t have a crush on me?”

Magnus stared at him in disbelief.

“On you? Why would I have a crush on you?”

“You said I’m almost a nine!”

“The rating system is objective! I don’t make up the rules.”

“You have been staring at me all the time. And touching me.”

“I touch everyone! Except Mahdi. For obvious reasons. I’ve been watching you to see if there was a way to tell if someone is having gay feelings just by looking at them.”

“If you see him making out with a guy then yes.”

Magnus blushed intensely. Isak didn’t know what to think. Even less he knew what to do. He wasn’t Magnus’ crush, and coming to terms with the fact that that made him a bit jealous was quite difficult.

“I’ll just wait for it to pass. It is almost over anyhow, I think it’s just that he’s there. And nice to me. I think that. When Even kissed me, a fucking nine and a half kissed me, I’ve started to believe that. I have hope.”

“How long have you. You know?”

Magnus shrugged.

“A couple of weeks. A bit before we had your intervention. But I’ve known from the start it won’t happen. He’s Mahdi. And catholic, and our bro, and. It’s not happening. I’m not sure if I actually want anything to happen, either, you know?”

Isak nodded. He knew. His feverish fantasies of Jonas had never been about being boyfriends with him. He didn’t want anything to change, other than doing some naughty things with him. Some very, very naughty things, and Isak had to shake the thought out of his head when he realized that Magnus thought like that about Mahdi. For now.

“I know. But I don’t think Mahdi knows, though. He just has no eye for this kind of stuff.”

Magnus giggled.

“You’re right. He’s so clueless.”

“So. You think you’re gay or..?”

“I don’t know.” Magnus sighed and finally put the teddy bear away. “I like girls. I love tits. But something about the thought - and now, thanks to Even, the experience - of kissing a guy is. It’s hot. I guess?”

“Even is pansexual.”

“Why did you tell me that! It’s none of my business!” Magnus whacked Isak with the teddy bear. Twice.

“Ow! He’s okay with it! He’s out and proud.”

“But what does that have to do with me?”

“You don’t know what that means?” Isak himself wasn’t too sure, either, but he had some idea. He hadn’t had the guts to ask Even for specifics. “I think it’s like. You know how gays like their own sex and straight people like the opposite sex, and bisexuals like both? Well, these days we know that there are more than two sexes, and pansexuals like them all. I guess?”

“Uh...huh.” Magnus nodded slowly. “I think I’m not that.”

“You don’t have to know what you are. It’s also okay, I’ve been told by those in the know.”

“Do you know?”

Isak nodded.

“Yeah. I’m gay. Through and through. Can’t help it, I love cock.”

“You’re horrible!” Magnus howled and whacked him again with the stuffed toy. Isak grabbed Magnus’ pillow to defend himself, and after a heated and dusty battle they were both red faced and out of breath from laughing so much. They looked at eachother and Magnus stopped laughing first. Isak stopped too. The silence stretched. Isak knew what he had to do. He leaned in and gave Magnus a little peck on the lips with his, then pulled back.

“Thank you. For not disowning me.”

Magnus smiled.

“I couldn’t do that to you. You’re my friend.”

“Exactly. And you’re mine.” Isak leaned in again, this time to give Magnus a hug. It was a purebred bro hug, no pelvic contact, short and sweet, ended with two pats on the back. “Love you man.”

“Love you too.”

Isak turned to face Magnus one more time at the door. He was leaving, Even hadn’t sent a message so he assumed there would be no extra people there. He would stop by to see him, maybe get some nice hot kisses or a condom protected blowjob and then be at the shelter in time before curfew. That was the plan.

“If you ever want to. I don’t know, go clubbing or something, I’d be honored to be your wingman.”

Magnus laughed.

“Do you have any idea how magnificently we would crash and burn if we did that?”

Isak smirked.

“I suppose. But remember that I’m your bro, no matter what. You can always call me or whatever.”

“You too. But no more suicide notes! Don’t you ever do that to me again!”

Isak lowered his gaze. He was so ashamed of it. Magnus panicked immediately and grabbed his shoulder.

“I mean I know it’s not about me! Please get help! And if it helps send me all the suicide notes you can think of but please please please don’t turn off your phone like that again okay?”

Isak gave Magnus a little pat on the hand. There there.

“I promise. I won’t..I don’t know what that was. I was just so done. But now I have things to do again.”

“A nine and a half?”

Isak grinned.

“Among other things. See you tomorrow at school.”

“I’ll let the guys know we’re cool.”

“Thank you.”

Isak left. He tried to call Even on the way but he didn’t pick up. He sent him a message, but never got a reply. He really tried not to worry, but the closer to Even’s apartment he got, the harder it was.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep reading, keep breathing. Trust me.

Isak was almost there when it hit him. The thought ran into him with such force that he stopped mid-step, mid-breath, immobile and frozen. He remembered the blade that he had held above his wrist. He remembered he had thrown it away and then forgotten about it. It was still behind the toilet seat. In the same apartment as Even who thought he had forced himself on Magnus and didn’t answer his calls.

“Holy fuck no”, Isak gasped. He started running, as fast as he could. He kept his phone on his ear, calling Even’s number over and over again. He almost got hit by a car when he was rushing across the street in his blind panic. Isak knew how easy it was. How simple, all it took was the right state of mind and everything would lose all meaning. Isak remembered so vividly how fucking convinced he had been that everyone would be better off without him. It had been so blatantly obvious, at that one crystal clear moment of complete clarity. It had not been true, but it had been obvious.

Isak was fighting for breath when he finally reached Even’s door. He rang the doorbell, in a panicked frenzy, over and over again. He banged on the door. He pressed his ear against it and called Even’s name. He heard his phone ring inside the apartment, holy shit fuck no. Why the fuck had he left his key in there?! How could he have forgotten about the blade?

He kept ringing the doorbell and banging at the door. Like it would somehow summon Even back to life, like the sheer power of his panic would draw the blood back into his veins and make his heart beat again. Isak jumped back and screamed when the door opened. It was Even. He was okay.

Isak noticed that other apartment doors were cracked and heard someone mention calling the police. Even told them it was okay, grabbed Isak’s arm and pulled him inside his apartment. Isak couldn’t feel his body at all. He felt light headed, on the brink of a panic attack, he saw Even’s lips move but he didn’t hear what he was saying.

Even took his face between his hands. He wiped his tears with his thumbs. He repeated what he had said, he maybe..did he ask if Isak was okay?

“I thought you were dead!” Of course he wasn’t okay! He was so far from okay he’d need a visa to visit okay.

“What?” Even looked drowsy. Oh god had he overdosed on pills?

“Even please what did you take? How many? I’m calling an ambulance.”

Even grabbed Isak’s wrist before he could dial the number. He took the phone away from him.

“I took one sedative so I could sleep. I haven’t slept properly in days.”

Isak stared at Even. At his hair all over the place, at the pillow imprint on his cheek. Oh god. He had been just sleeping. In a drug enhanced sleep, not hearing his phone. Isak had to grab Even so he didn’t fall over when his legs just kind of gave in.

“The blade. I thought. I thought that..”

Even pulled Isak tight against his chest. Isak heard his heart beat under his ear. It was the most wonderful sound in the world.

“I have a kitchen full of knives, Isak.”

Isak’s legs gave in again. Even was luckily already holding him. Holding him standing, holding him together. He felt so relieved and so stupid and so scared all at the same time. He now knew what he had done to Magnus, and Mahdi and Jonas. Oh god. Oh fucking god. He could never make that up for them, not ever.

“Come on. Let’s get you to bed. I can’t hold you upright forever.”

Isak let Even walk him into the bedroom. He let Even take off his hoodie and shoes and guide him down on the bed. This time Even was the big spoon. Isak hugged his arm and fidgeted with his long beautiful fingers. He felt Even’s breath in his hair and at the back of his neck. It was warm.

“Now”, Even whispered, “tell me how it went today.”

Isak tensed up. Oh god, Magnus. He had to tell Even about Magnus right away. He turned over, to face Even, he rested his hand on Even’s neck and jawline.

“You did not force yourself on Magnus. You just kissed.”

Even looked at Isak. His drowsiness was shed away now, his eyes were sharp and focused. There was a hint of something cold in them, too, maybe? And pain, definitely pain and shame.

“You shouldn’t make up stories to try make me feel better about myself. I need to understand what I have done.”

Isak pressed his fingers firmer against Even’s skin.

“That’s what I’m trying to accomplish here. Magnus told me what happened. He said you kissed him, he kissed you back, you told him to tell me to fuck off. And that’s what he was saying no to, Even, not your advances.”

Isak held his breath. Please, Even, please believe him.

“That doesn’t sound like me. At all.”

Isak flinched at the anger in Even’s eyes. The hatred, the deep dark pools of hatred for himself and what he had done. He had a kitchen full of knives, Isak thought, without really understanding why.

“How about me, then?” Isak whispered. Even looked puzzled. “You say you used me. But I haven’t been used by you. Not once.”

Even scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Yes you have.”

“No. I have not. You have been nothing but kind to me all along. It was me who made things up and turned you into something you’re not.” It still stung a bit to admit. But it was necessary. For both their sake. Isak had made it all up himself.

“I used your vulnerable state, Isak. You had nowhere else to go and I knew it.”

“Would you really have kicked me out if we hadn’t fucked?”

Even laid silent for a long time. Isak could see the surface of those dark pools glimmer. They looked so deep.

“I honestly don’t know.”

Isak closed his eyes. No. Even was wrong. Isak knew it, he was wrong, he kept telling Isak he was dangerous and reckless and Isak had never once experienced it himself with Even.

“You refused to fuck me yesterday. I would have let you, I practically begged you to, and you didn’t.”

“I’m not giving you HIV!”

“If you have something you might have given them to all the people you have slept with unprotected. What makes me special?”

“First of all I wasn’t drunk out of my mind.”

“You were pretty drunk when you came home.”

“You scared me sober.”

Isak sighed. He opened his eyes again and looked at Even.

“You are going to get help tomorrow, right?”

Even didn’t answer him. Isak pressed his fingertips into his hair.

“Right?”

“I’m not sick. I’m reckless.”

“Even. You must go see a doctor. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

“I’m not doing anything to  _ myself _ Isak.”

“I disagree.” Isak sighed. He dropped his fingers down on Even’s collarbone and stroked it softly. “You look like shit. You’re not taking care of yourself at all, and you’re constantly telling yourself how much you suck. Does that sound familiar to you?” Isak had been there. He still was, but not all the time anymore.

Even shrugged.

“I couldn’t reach you for a couple of hours and I was convinced you had killed yourself.”

“That’s not on me, that’s your overactive imagination.”

“Fuck you. Asshole. Fuck!” Isak pushed Even away and sat up. He pressed his fingertips into the corners of his eyes. Fucking Even. How did his friends tolerate him, was he as shitty as Even was? Probably worse. “I should just go.”

“I’m not stopping you.”

Isak was shaking. Out of rage, out of fear, out of powerlessness. He didn’t know what to do. Even needed to get help, and he was the only one around to convince him of that.

“We had a pact. That we would both get help tomorrow morning. First thing.”

“I just need to get some sleep and I’m good as new.”

“No, Even! You won’t! You’re having an episode and it has to fucking stop before something happens.” Isak turned to look at Even again. He was on his back, staring at the ceiling, looking..bored?

“Are you listening to me?”

“Are you still here? I thought you were leaving a while ago.”

“I can’t do this now.” Isak just couldn’t. He was shaking, he was enraged, he was empty. He got up, put his hoodie on and went to the bathroom. He fished the blade out from behind the toilet seat. He thought about confiscating the knives from the kitchen. He had to get out of here, there was something in the air of this apartment now. Something toxic. He had to put his own oxygen mask on first, before he could help Even. Isak shoved the blade into his bag, took the spare key from the side table and left.

When Isak arrived at the shelter he started by searching Lukas into his hands. Lukas seemed pleased to see him arrive well before curfew, but when he saw Isak’s face he got serious.

“I have something I want to give to you”, Isak said, gripping the strap of his bag with both hands. Lukas nodded, expectantly. Isak opened his bag and took the blade out. He made sure to hold it between his thumb and index finger, and the blade facing towards himself. He placed it on the table and stepped back away from it.

“Isak. You cannot have something like this in here.”

“I know! I had to take it from Even and I. I couldn’t just throw it in the trash, could I? Someone might cut themselves!”

Lukas took the blade from the table. He was very, very solemn.

“Bringing this here is technically your second strike, Isak. But, considering the circumstances, I’m letting it slide. This time. You have run out of free passes, do you understand? You’re a decent kid, but I have many other kids to look after as well, and it’s not fair for them to succumb them to risky behaviour.”

Isak wanted to ask the blade back. He didn’t. He was out of free passes and he’d need to keep an eye on his bullshit.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

“I’m happy to hear you know it yourself.”

Lukas took an apple from the fruit bowl on the table and pushed the blade into it. He held the apple on his palm. Now that the sharp edge was out of sight Isak could look at something else again. But looking at Lukas was so much harder.

“I can’t wait for tomorrow. I can’t do this anymore. Not alone.”

“You’re not alone, Isak. But you do need to let people help you.”

Isak nodded. He knew that. He knew he had to unblock Jonas and Mahdi. He needed them, and. Isak blinked. Wait. Waaaait.

“I have to go”, Isak whispered and rushed into his room. His battery was almost out but he put his phone on the charger and opened his messenger. He looked up Elias. He stared at the screen for a long time. Even would hate him for this, like he had hated Eskild. He still was a bit pissed off by him, but. Eskild had done him right. Love required sacrifices.

Isak Valtersen  
Do you have Even’s new number?

Elias Bakkoush  
He got a new number?

Isak Valtersen  
Yes. Here. Please call him as soon as you can. He’s having an episode and he’s not safe.

Elias Bakkoush  
Wtf??  
Gonna call him now  
Thx

Isak closed the messenger. It was done. He had done it. Even would hate him now, but at least he would be safe. He had his own squad. And now Isak needed his. He curled up on his side on the bed and started unblocking. Jonas first. Then Mahdi. Then he scrolled down to the W.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tags: Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Depression

Quitting the play had been even harder than Isak had imagined it would be. He felt like he had let everyone down, and for a fucking reason. But his understudy had been rehearsing when he had skipped practice and the director - who hadn’t been very nice to him but came around when Isak had been reduced to tears in front of everyone - convinced him that the group would make it, and that when Isak was better again he could take part in some other play, in a minor role first. Saying goodbye to everyone had hurt, but saying goodbye to Adam had hurt the most. He had given Isak so much, and without him Isak possibly wouldn’t have been even alive anymore.

Still, Isak had agreed with his therapist that now was not the time for him to focus on Adam’s life. He had his own life to take care of. And that was plenty for him to handle. The medication and therapy helped, as well as the routines at the shelter. They gave his days structure which was vital, especially after he stopped going to his rehearsals. He hung out with his friends, he studied harder and smiled more than in a long time. He and Magnus kept messaging regularly and a lot, Magnus asking him about being gay - he wasn’t of much use there, unfortunately, but he could listen to Magnus ponder on things - and Isak asking Magnus about bipolarity. They both were happy that Magnus’ crush for Mahdi had passed. Now he was interested in some guy he had been seeing at the club he’d been visiting. Magnus had tried to persuade Isak to go with him some night, but Isak had his curfew, and he really didn’t want to run into Even at some club.

Isak sent Even messages every night. He told him about his day, and about his thoughts, what he had talked about in therapy, how much he missed Even. To his relief and surprise Even hadn’t blocked his number. And he read every single message. He never responded to any of them, but it didn’t matter. He read them. They had a connection, and when Isak put his phone away and said goodnight he also whispered it into the darkness, hoping Even could somehow hear it.

He had forgiven Eskild. It made living at the shelter easier, because Eskild was there often, for his volunteer work. They weren’t exactly close or friends yet, but on friendly terms, and they could be in the same room and taking part in the same conversations without difficulty. Isak had talked with Lukas about starting to work some day soon, in one of the working programs for the shelter residents. To finally start giving back something.

Isak had talked with his therapist twice a week, and mostly about Even. He knew he was supposed to talk about himself, but he couldn’t focus over his worrying, and his therapist had made a deal with him. He could spend twenty minutes each session talking about Even and then focus on himself for the rest of the time, no exceptions. He never remembered much about those sessions afterwards, except the twenty minutes each time. He thought about Even a lot. He had tried to milk some information from Elias a couple of times, but he had shot him down, saying that they had done this before and Even was in good hands with the Balloon Squad. There wasn’t much Isak could do. Except keep sending Even messages to read.

Then Even sent him one. Isak didn’t notice it at first, he had been in the kitchen without his phone and didn’t check it immediately after returning to his room, but when he did his mouth felt dry and his head was spinning.

Even  
You need to get tested. I have chlamydia.

Isak read the message over and over again. Then he had to fucking google chlamydia, and he learned that it didn’t necessarily have any noticeable symptoms and that it was highly contagious. Fuck. Fucking great. He might have it too and not know it.

Isak  
I need to see you. Please.

Even must have been so ashamed, Isak thought. He had an sti. Isak might have one too, and he was scared and ashamed at the possibility, so he could only imagine how Even was feeling about spreading it. Even who had to inform all the hookups he could remember. Isak wondered how long that list was by now.

Even  
You should stop messaging me.

Then Even stopped responding. Isak sent him multiple messages but he just read them, didn’t reply. Isak threw his phone on the bed frustrated. Fucking idiot Even. Why didn’t he let Isak help him? Why didn’t he let him close?

Isak had talked about that with Magnus in the past weeks. Mags had referred some books to him, about people with bipolar disorder telling their stories, and like Magnus had said, it was very typical that during an episode the reality seemed different. Isak was more and more convinced that Even’s idea of what had been going on during his adventures was seriously distorted. He needed to talk about that with Even, he just had to. He had been waiting for a reason to intrude Even’s life and now he had one.

This was wrong, Isak thought, standing behind Even’s door. He had rang the doorbell twice. He pushed his hand into his jacket’s pocket, fondling the key in there. He kept staring at the keyhole. This was wrong. He shouldn’t have. Maybe Even had changed the locks? If he hadn’t, didn’t that mean he didn’t want to keep Isak out? Yes, it did, Isak decided. He pushed the key into the lock. It turned.

Isak cracked the door and peeked inside. No strange shoes on the floor.

“Even? It’s me.”

“Go away”, Even answered from the bedroom. Isak stepped inside and closed the door.

“No. I need to see you.” He knew it wasn’t wise. He knew he shouldn’t. He knew he was supposed to let Even be and focus on his own healing, but he just couldn’t. He needed Even. He had no right to him, but he was still fucked up enough to ignore that with ease.

“Do I have to call the cops on you?”

Isak walked further in.

“Yes.” If Even wanted to get rid of him now, he would have to be removed by force. He was on a mission, and he had to do this. He had to talk with Even. He had to see him, actually see him and not just a small icon telling him Even had read his messages.

He peeked into the bedroom. Even was lying on the bed, fully clothed, diagonally. He had his phone next to his head on the pillow, but he didn’t grab it to call the police. For now, at least.

Isak walked to the bed, took off his shoes and jacket and crawled next to Even. He settled on his side, facing Even, looking him in the eyes.

“Hey”, he whispered.

“Just leave”, Even muttered. He didn’t sound too convincing. It was more like he was reading lines than actually speaking.

“Never. Sorry.” Isak reached out his hand and touched Even’s hair. It felt dirty. Greasy. He didn’t mind it. Even closed his eyes but didn’t push Isak’s hand away. Isak looked at him, closely and intently. He looked so tired. And fragile. Isak could see the phone blink at the corner of his eye, it was on silent mode but from what it looked like it was receiving a lot of messages from many people. Isak swallowed when he realized what the messages must have been about. He took the phone and pushed it under the corner of the blanket. Leave Even be, people, it was too late to do anything about it anymore anyway.

“I’m not mad at you”, Isak whispered. “I’m getting tested tomorrow. Have you started your treatment yet?”

Even nodded, his eyes still closed. Isak nodded too. Even couldn’t see it but he probably could feel the movement. He looked so tired, Isak thought again. It was wrenching his heart, to see the bubbly, vibrant, sexy Even reduced to this shell. But this was to be expected, Isak knew, from Magnus and all the books he had been reading. After the hypomania came the crash, and the exhausted, depressive season. A significant part of Isak was so happy that the fast days were over. Long live the Balloon Squad.

“Have you set an alarm or something? I read it’s important to take your antibiotics at the same time every day.”

Even shrugged. Isak took that as a no. He grabbed the hem of Even’s hoodie with his free hand and just held it in his fingers. He held on to Even so he couldn’t slip away. With both hands.

“Do you remember when you took them?”

Even shrugged again. Isak felt worry splash inside him. But maybe one slip up wouldn’t make his chlamydia immune to the antibiotics. Isak saw Even’s eyelashes shiver against his cheek. Was he holding back tears? Isak really wished Even knew he didn’t need to. Not in front of him.

“Why won’t you just leave me alone?” Even asked. “I am nothing but bad news to anyone.”

Isak shook his head. It was not true, he was certain of it. Even had made him so happy, so many times. And so devastated, that too, but Even was definitely more than just bad news.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me”, Isak said. He spoke quietly, Even was so close to him. “You saved my life. Or at least made me realize it needed to be saved.” He had done a lot of that saving himself, it was still a work in progress, but it would never have started without Even.

Even grunted. His eyes were closed but Isak could tell he was rolling them. He pushed his fingers further into Even’s hair. He really meant it. Sure, after meeting Even his life had been going to hell in a fucking handbasket and a death spiral, but he had made it through, was making it through, and for the first time in his life he wasn’t constantly either in pain or scared.

“I have a theory and I want you to hear it. Okay?”

Even didn’t say anything. Isak waited for a minute or two, but Even just opened his eyes, nothing else. Okay.

“I’m not. I’m far from an expert on this. But I want you to think about this. If it could be true. Or possible, or something.” Isak licked his lips slowly. He had missed Even so much and he was so close to him, their lips only centimeters apart. “I mean. Could you tell me what you usually remember about the times you’ve blacked out?”

Even just looked at him. Isak waited. His heart was fluttering again, it was maybe hope, or something similar. He wished, he hoped, he wanted to be right so much. He just knew Even, he knew, in his heart, he knew that he was right. But his heart had lied to him before. He needed to hear this from the source. From Even.

“Shame”, Even said. His voice was low and hoarse from not being used in a while. “I remember mostly shame. And that I haven’t respected someone’s boundaries.”

Isak nodded. Slowly. His theory was still valid. His heart had stopped fluttering and started to ache. Oh Even, beautiful broken Even.

“Could it”, Isak whispered, very silently. He kept twirling Even’s hair. “Could it be possible that that someone was you?”

Even stopped. He hadn’t been doing anything this far, but he became super still and very quiet. Isak was holding his breath. Please, his aching, fluttering heart was whispering, oh please.

Even took a long, raspy breath. Isak wrapped his arms around him and pressed his body close. When Even started shaking he closed his eyes and swore to him he wouldn’t leave him, ever.


	28. Chapter 28

It took a long time, but finally Even sort of calmed down. His pillowcase was soaking wet, as was Isak’s shoulder. He didn’t mind one bit. He just held Even close, and when he felt him pull a bit back he let him.

“Speak to me”, Isak whispered, looking into Even’s eyes. “Please.”

“I don’t know what -- fuck.” Even closed his eyes tight, biting his lip. He was shaking again. Isak grabbed his shoulder lightly but firmly, grounding him.

“Tell me anything.”

“It’s like. Watching a movie.” Even spoke softly, timidly, not opening his eyes. “Or trying to remember the movie you’ve seen years ago.”

Isak pressed his lips at Even’s hairline. Hush, my love. It’s okay.

“It’s just that. Everything I have ever seen you do, actually witnessed it, has been kind and caring. Not something that an abuser would do.”

“I shouldn’t have used you like I did.”

Isak sighed. Yes, Even was partially right. But.

“You never hurt me on purpose, did you? I came to you, Even. I kept throwing myself at you, I made things up and I created my own hell. It’s not on you.” He had talked about this with his therapist a lot. He was to blame, only he, and that was okay. It was over now and he was healing.

Even considered. Isak could tell he was trying to find counterarguments, trying to think of something that would make Isak wrong. But he couldn’t. Isak had been with him when he had been sober, not blacking out, and he knew what had happened.

“And”, Isak continued, still quietly. Even was so close to him. “I believe Magnus. And if you have never done anything bad to me, or Magnus, and when we were looking for you nobody, absolutely nobody in all those clubs, had anything bad to say about you..don’t you think it’s possible that you’re not as bad as you think you are?”

Even didn’t say anything. But that meant he didn’t say no, either. He finally opened his eyes again. Isak had already missed looking into them.

“I can ask my therapist if they know someone who could help you. Someone with experience on dissociative stuff.” Isak licked his lips tentatively. He was nervous, it was such a big and scary word. Dissociative. Like, textbook batshit crazy stuff, the scary kind. But the more he had thought about it the more convinced he had been that Even was having similar issues.

“I don’t know”, Even said. “Can’t we just. Lay here for a while?”

Isak nodded. Yes, yes they could.

“I would like that very much. But.” There was a but, and it had to be said. “There is no magical third option, Even. Where everything changes while nothing does. I need you to participate in making you better. I need you to do most of the work.”

Even closed his eyes. Shaking his head.

“I can’t”, he whispered. Isak pressed his forehead against Even’s.

“Yes you can. I know you can. You’re the strongest soldier I’ve ever seen, and you just need to find the right battle. You can win.” Isak moved his hand, he touched Even’s cheek. Stroked it with his thumb, encouraging, look at me my love. Open your eyes. Even did. He was so close that Isak couldn’t see the colour of his eyes. He knew it by heart.

“I love you. I will be here for you. I’m strong enough now. I can breathe again.” He had his mask on. He had his meds, his therapist, the shelter, Lukas, his squad. He could do this. He wasn’t alone. “And you don’t have just me to fall on. You have friends.”

Even didn’t say anything. But Isak could see he was listening. Maybe even believing. If only just a bit. Isak pulled back, so he could look Even properly in the eyes. He took Even’s hand and brought it on his chest. Isak pressed his own hand against Even’s chest, on his heart.

“Listen to me. Remember this. You are good. You are right. You are worthy.”

Even listened. Isak couldn’t force him to believe it, not any of it, he knew it from experience. But he also knew how much more true words like that rang when someone said them out loud. So he said them again. And again. In low, silent whispers, Even’s pulse under his palm, Isak kept telling him that he was good, right and worthy. He was telling it as much to himself, too.

After a long, long time Even moved his hand and placed it on Isak’s cheek.

“I don’t understand why you’re there”, Even said.

Isak tried to smile but couldn’t.

“Why wouldn’t I be? I love you.”

“I don’t understand that, either. You’re the..I’ve turned my back once too many times to everyone else.”

Isak frowned. Did Even really think he was actually alone in this? It wasn’t true, Isak had seen how worried Elias had been about Even.

“You have the Balloon Squad, don’t you? And your family?”

Even shrugged. He looked so small and sad that Isak’s heart ached.

“It’s only a matter of time before they get tired of my bullshit for good. I haven’t been in touch with anyone I haven’t been fucking in months.”

“I punched Magnus in the face, called him a faggot and spit on him. He loves me to bits.” It still stung to think about it, to remember how Magnus had looked and sounded like at his feet. But he had forgiven Isak, just like that. “If I can be forgiven for that, you can be forgiven for being out of touch.”

“I’ve done worse than be out of touch.”

“Like what?”

“I’ve. Well, for starters, I haven’t told my parents I’ve dropped out of school. They’re supporting me because I’m supposed to be studying.”

Shit. Okay. That was bad. But Isak was aware that not all parents were like his.

“Okay. What do you think they’d do if they found out?”

Even squeezed his eyes shut. Isak could see he was holding his tears back again.

“They’d be so worried. They have been so fucking worried about me since I was fourteen, I can’t. I don’t. It’s not right. Sons are supposed to make their parents proud.”

“Fuck you, Even.”

Even opened his eyes, startled. Isak looked into them.

“You’re telling me you have parents who actually support, accept and love you, and you’re not keeping in touch with them because you’re embarrassed? That’s just bullshit, and for that, fuck you very much.”

Isak wrapped his arms around Even and pulled him tight against himself.

“You’re an idiot. But I love you. And you can do this. I’m not letting you not do this, do you understand me?”

Even didn’t say anything. At least he didn’t say no. Isak took a deep breath to calm himself down. He continued talking to Even, at Even and with Even, until it was all out. His alienation with the Balloon Squad - he had hooked up with more girlfriends than one - and his shortcomings as a son and as a friend in general. Isak was relieved to hear that Elias had indeed called Even, and went to see him and dragged him to a doctor to fix his medication. It had finally cut off the episode. When they were done talking Even could barely keep his eyes open.

“Now, Even”, Isak whispered, as gently as he possibly could. “You will sleep. And tomorrow I will get that recommendation of a good therapist for you and you will make an appointment with them. You will keep making those appointments, and I will keep going to mine, and in time we will be stable enough to be boyfriends. For real this time. How does that sound?”

“I’ve never had a real boyfriend.”

“Me neither. But I would very much like to. And I’d like it to be you”

Even nodded. Isak could see the tiniest hint of a smile on the left corner of his lips.

“I think I’d like it too.”

 

Isak had been about to take off into flight any second for a couple of hours. He just couldn’t hold still. He had changed his outfit three times, then changed back into the original one. He had turned his snapback around dozens of times, and he had gotten himself a cup of coffee, then forgotten about it until it was cold, only to go heat it up in the microwave because he was disgusting, take one sip and forget about it again to repeat the process. He was just so nervous.

“Isak, sweetie, you need to chill.”

Isak stopped his wandering around the apartment to look at Even who was stepping out of the bedroom. The sight made his knees buckle a bit. Even was so handsome in his blazer. Isak felt immediately like a troll and turned his snapback around to hide his face under the peak. Even walked to him and turned it backwards again.

“Better.” Even nodded confidently. He wrapped his arms around Isak who totally allowed him to do so. “I should just blow you so you’d be able to relax for a bit.”

Isak laughed.

“Tempting. But there’s no way you’d settle for just that and I don’t want to be late. I have to be on my seat before the curtain is raised.”

Even pouted a bit.

“I’m sure the play will suck without you in it.”

Isak pushed Even away from him. Softly. Just a bit reluctantly. They had been back living together for only a week now but it still felt like Isak had never left. His home had never been anywhere else but here.

“Stop talking about sucking or I won’t be able to restrain myself and we’ll be late!”

“So? We’ll just go see it next time.”

“This is the last show, Even. Invitation only, and I’m not going to embarrass myself in front of the people I’m desperate to impress enough so they’d let me back in the group. They’ll  _ know _ if I’m not there. Plus I really want to see the play, it’s amazing.”

Isak felt bittersweet. The play had been well received, he had tried to get tickets to it but it was sold out. Then he had gotten the invitation. He almost didn’t want to go, because it hurt so much. Adam was supposed to be his. But he knew that his understudy would do him great justice. He owed it to Adam, too, to go see his story. He had made such a big impact on Isak’s.

Even’s phone beeped. He checked the message and smiled.

“Mom wants to know if you’re coming with me for Christmas.”

“What? It’s barely November!”

Even shrugged, still smiling.

“I’m surprised she waited this long. What shall I tell her?”

“Of course I’m coming! I wouldn’t miss your mom’s cooking for anything.”

“I did learn from the best”, Even hummed and typed a reply. “Are we still seeing the guys after the show?”

“Yes! I’m not missing Magnus’ coming out party. But you can blow me during the intermission if you seriously can’t wait for it.”

“Well, I  _ am _ a notorious slut..”

Isak couldn’t stop smiling. It was true, Even was almost impossibly insatiable, but he had been faithful to Isak for months. They had made it work. Isak had no need for complaining, he had never been so happy with his sex life. Or his life in general. It had taken a lot of work, from them both, but Isak and Even had figured each other out. Even was slutty by nature, he had a high libido and no shame, and Isak loved it. Especially now when he knew it was really him, not some high flying alter ego.

Isak jumped up and wrapped his legs around Even’s waist. Even caught him.

“Ten minutes”, Isak whispered, and kissed Even. Even smiled against his lips and carried him into the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END
> 
> The story itself ends here. I have written an epilogue which I first published separately because it works as a standalone piece, and am now adding here so subscribers will be notified as well.
> 
> Did I miss anything? Did this end too soon - by the logic of the story, not by you wanting more? Please let me know!
> 
> Also please, please, please let me know what you think of this story. I love getting comments and have been known to wake up in the middle of the night to just check if I've gotten any. I'm pathetic.
> 
> PS. I'm going to write at least one more spin-off story in this verse, in Mags' pov.


	29. The Toast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an epilogue, which I have published separate as well. Feel free to comment on either posting!
> 
> I will add the Magnus POV spin-off here as well, once I've written it.

“I had always thought, that every man - and woman, equal opportunities you know - is the director of their own life. They are creating their own story, casting every person they ever interacted with in their appropriate roles. Antagonists, lovers, companions, sidekicks, the background people giving scenes lifelikeness - everyone has their part to play. But Isak Valtersen absolutely refused to be cast as anyone but The One. Some people might say his behaviour was unhealthy and stalkery and at least irresponsible, and those people are sort of right, but they do not know half of it.

“I tried. I tried to protect Isak, from me, from the evil that was Even Bech Næsheim. I was well aware of all the hearts I have broken just by being careless and carefree. I have known that I am bad news to all who shine even a glimmer of innocence, and Isak Valtersen was basically a ball of innocence wrapped in complicated layers of neediness and pain. I might have told myself otherwise but I knew, from the first meeting, that Isak would fall for me, and bad.

“So I told him, repeatedly. I told Isak that I was a slut. A notorious one! I also lived up to that reputation. I directed our relationship towards the physical. I even made an ultimatum, telling Isak he shouldn’t come back until he was ready to fuck. I hoped that Isak would come back. Because I was weak. Because despite all my orders against myself I had started to get very, very invested in that boy.

“I do not believe in destiny. I believe in action and reaction, and cause and consequence, and in circumstance, but not destiny. When Isak finally came to surrender his body to me, that lovely, lovely body of his, and when his heart just couldn’t take it, I knew. I knew that powers larger than my understanding were telling me to leave the boy alone. So I did. I really, really tried to. But Isak had nowhere else to go, and I couldn’t just kick him out. I should have, but I could not. It was easy to not do anything about Isak though, all I had to think about was the boy’s fluttering heart, and take pity in it. I was all about easy.

“Isak would not have it easy. He remained an unfinished business, bothering at the back of my head, whispering into my dreams. I tried to keep it cool, I was starting to feel the familiar itch, the velocity my mind was reaching for more and more regularly. I knew I was at the brink, at the edge of a hypomanic episode, and for Isak’s sake I tried to hold on. I really imagined that this time I could.

“As you know it, that backfired splendidly.

“For some reason, Isak stayed. I did not know it then, but he had already chosen the part he was going to play in my life. I tried to get out, to push him away, I did everything and everyone I could to protect him, to protect that magnificent, innocent boy. Little did I know, that he had already survived far worse than what I could ever throw at him. That he was still surviving it, constantly, relentlessly, just  _ surviving _ so powerfully that nothing could hinder that. I have never in my life met anyone as strong, or as brave, as Isak. Or as bold! He had the nerve to first get his friend give me telling off of my life - sorry mom, you have  _ nothing _ on Eskild on that front - and then get my own friend stop me from dying as the consequence, and because  _ that _ was not enough he broke into my home and refused to leave before I promised to survive with him. And this was after I had given him chlamydia.”

“Okay that’s it, stop.”

Even looked up from his papers, at Elias sitting across him at the kitchen table.

“You cannot talk about giving Isak chlamydia at the reception!”

“Huh. I suppose you’re right. That’d inspire grandma to tell about her wild days at the ports. I still have trauma from when she decided to show us kids her scars.”

“I’d also leave out the bits about you being a slut and giving Isak a heart attack by fucking him.”

“That’s not what I said!”

Elias shrugged and grinned.

“That’s how I remember it. And, dude, are you sure you want to make this toast a speech about you two being mentally unstable?”

“We  _ are _ mentally unstable! Just very well medicated!”

Elias didn’t budge. He kept repeating that detailed descriptions of a history of reckless behaviour caused by mental illnesses were not something to bring up at your gay wedding reception, when you’re marrying someone you’ve known for a bit over a year. Even rummaged through his stack of papers where he had written his toast speech, his Ode to All Things Isak.

“How about the part where I tell how I have never actually tried to be faithful to anyone before Isak and how simple I noticed it to be, not least thanks to Isak’s enthusiastic approach to experimenting in the bedroom?”

Elias just stared at him. He rolled the page into a ball and threw it away.

“I have a paragraph here about him saving me right back?”

Elias nodded.

“Let’s hear it.”

“My favourite love story was Pretty Woman. In that masterpiece of cinematography and screenwriting, a wealthy man buys the company of a broke prostitute for a week, falls for her and saves her. Just like --”

“Are you about to compare Isak to a prostitute, Even?” Elias interrupted.

“It’s a reverence, not a reference!”

“Dude. No. Don’t make me quit as your best man on your wedding day.”

“Fiiiiine. What should I say, then? I can’t go just with ‘I love you’ and if I’m left to improvise it will not work out well.”

“You’ve been working on this for a week and it’s not working out either, you know.”

Even leaned back on his chair and pouted. He had worked really hard on his speech and he was sure Isak’s was going to rock his world. He just wanted everyone to know how incredible it was. That they were both here, and alive, and together, and how much of it was owed to Isak.

“Let me take a look”, Elias said. “Of the whole thing. I’ll mark the good parts and we’ll cut and glue you a toast speech, okay?”

Even sighed. And handed the stack of paper to Elias.

“Have you read this through out loud? How long did it take?”

“About forty five minutes, give or take five, depending on how long people laugh at my jokes.”

“Okay we’re scratching this thing altogether. Sorry. Read it to Isak on your first morning as a married couple, if he’s willing to marry you I’m sure that’ll drop his panties like nothing else.”

“Is he actually going to wear lingerie for the wedding?!”

Elias looked a bit shocked. The he shook the mental image off.

“Don’t know, don’t care. Please tell me you’re not.”

“Lace chafes my delicate areas. I’m not walking down the aisle scratching my balls.”

“Oh, the blessings of small things.”

“They are  _ not _ small.”

“Just get the pen and paper ready, please. We have about half an hour before we must go.”

A bit over half an hour later Even was standing on his place, nervous. He had taken half a pill just so he wouldn’t flip out mid-ceremony. He might have needed a whole one but he didn’t want to risk not remembering the whole thing, either. Though he was sure all he would remember was how nervous he was feeling and how much he loved Isak. Elias grabbed his shoulder and leaned in to whisper, asking if he was okay. He nodded. He was okay. He asked if Elias had the rings. He did. They were ready. He was ready. He was so, so ready. He was going to marry the shit out of Isak..maybe it was good that he had written his speech together with Elias, after all.

The doors opened. Even fixed his posture, pulling his shoulders back and all. He was waiting. He was ready, anxious, he was still half convinced that this was either a dream or about to go wrong in a variety of ways. When he saw Eskild and Magnus in full flower girl gear, white poofy dresses and all, throwing pink and gold fake petals from their baskets, he knew that one, he was totally marrying the right man, two, his husband to be had an excellent taste in friends and three, Isak was the sweetest thing ever to share his spotlight with others. Grandma seemed to agree, mom had to scold her for trying to use her cane to lift up Magnus’ skirt to see his legs better. Luckily Magnus didn’t seem to notice or mind.

Then he saw Isak and his head stopped working. He became all heart, and he was lucky that he couldn’t feel his legs either, because he would have run to Isak immediately. But he couldn’t, and he didn’t, he stood still and waited in awe, when the most amazing person in the universe walked towards him, his chin a bit pressed down, his smile a mixture of pure light and shyness. He looked amazing in his suit. If he had wanted to wear a dress, or Even to wear a dress, it would’ve been totally fine by Even, but he was not the least disappointed in seeing Isak in that suit. Especially in those pants. He looked so..grown up. He looked like the man he was supposed to become. He was beautiful.

They had talked about if someone would walk Isak down the aisle. Lukas was mentioned frequently, and he probably would have been honoured to, but finally Isak had decided that he’d walk on his own. “Nobody’s delivering me. I’m giving myself to you, and that’s that”, he had said and Even had been so ridiculously happy that he would have agreed to anything.

“Hi”, Isak whispered when he reached Even. Even offered him his arm and he took it.

“Hi.”

Even didn’t remember anything about the ceremony. He only remembered that he loved Isak so very much and that Isak was beautiful. And that his hands shook when they exchanged rings, but he didn’t drop anything.

After the Kiss Isak pressed his forehead against Even’s.

“We’re husbands now”, he whispered, exhilarated. He was so happy that it could be heard in a whisper. Even had to laugh silently, he just had to, there was no other choice.

It took a while to get past the sea of congratulations and hugs and love, and pack all of that into the cars, but finally they were all at the reception and it was time to make the toasts. Even’s father made one first, telling them to take care of each other and remember that a relationship was a labour of love. It was a great speech, and Even had to dry his eyes a bit when it was over. He sort of missed Elias’ speech, because he was suddenly so nervous about giving his own. It fit on one piece of paper, the size of a playing card, and he had carried it in his pocket and was now hiding it in his palm, reading it over and over again in his head. People around him laughed and Isak kissed his cheek, Elias must have cracked a good joke. He was a funny guy. And the best best man he could have asked for.

When Elias was done Even was about to stand up but Isak beat him to it. He got up and Even looked up to him. He was so beautiful.

“I tried to make a speech”, Isak said, just a bit too quietly for speech giving purposes. “But I’m not a writer. Or a talker, really.” Everyone chuckled. Jonas was so proud of Isak, he was beaming, Even could see it from the corner of his eye. Then Isak looked into his eyes and everything else disappeared. “I love you, Even. People keep saying that love is hard or it takes work, but loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life. And it feels strange that for something so easy I’m given such a great reward as you are.”

Isak’s voice cracked and he sat down, wiping his eyes. Even kissed him, everyone cheered. He held Isak’s face between his hands and kissed him again. He stood up, it was his turn, he looked at the card in his hand. He showed it to everyone and threw it over his shoulder.

“I love him. Thank you.”

He sat down to kiss Isak one more time. And one more. Then one for the road. And the last one. Then the final one. Through all those kisses he could hear the music start playing. He grabbed his husband and pulled him with him to the dance floor, for their first dance. After the first verse and chorus he felt someone tap his shoulder. It was Jonas, who had come to steal him from Isak. His mother had appeared on Isak’s side and took him to dance with her.

“Nice speech”, Jonas grinned. Even shook his head.

“I couldn’t have topped his, ever.” He was leading. Jonas was following surprisingly well. “Thank you. For keeping him around for me.”

They both looked at Isak who was struggling a bit, trying to lead his mother in law. They had only practiced dancing so that Even was leading and Isak following him.

“If you dare even think about making him hurt --”

“I promise you. I won’t. Ever.”

Jonas nodded. Even directed him with his palm and made him do a little twirl for him. People laughed and applauded when he pulled Jonas back to him.

“Seriously. If you ever need anything, anything at all, I’ve got your back.”

“Just make sure you’ve got his.”

The song ended, they all took a bow, and after the round of applause the DJ dropped the beat and the dance floor was filled with people. Even made his way to Isak.

“I hope mom didn’t give you a hard time.”

“Not half as hard as I suppose Jonas gave you.”

They laughed. They kissed. They were married now. It had been a whirlwind of a year, with all the good and all the absolutely shitty and terrifying, but it had been theirs. And now all of the remaining years would be theirs as well. It was a dizzying thought, and so, so easy. With Isak, everything was easy. They were wearing matching rings and had signed the documents and been officially wed, but their true bond had formed over a year ago. It had formed when a really scared boy had gone to a very lost one, and done something incredibly brave.


End file.
